The Marriage Blog

Thursday, May 9, 2013

I LOVE YOU in 140 Characters or Less

In our tech savvy culture, communication in marriage is rapidly changing. In a world of instant messaging, tweets, and facebook posts, there is a generation that has learned to communicate in rapid bursts of 140 characters or less. So, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Well, the answer is both yes and no.

On the positive side:

Instant availability. It is comforting to know that you can reach your spouse almost instantaneously if you want to share a thought, or if there is a crisis, or if he is on a long trip, or she is driving home in dangerous weather. Before cell phones were common, there were days-long stretches that Lisa and I would barely see each other when she was working nights and I was working days. Texting would have been a real blessing then.
Silent communication when needed. One couple I know texted each other across the living room, not because they didn’t want to talk, but because they didn’t want to wake up their newborn baby. And when kids get older, sometimes parents need to communicate without alerting the children to certain things.
Visible reminders. If Lisa gives me the grocery list over the phone, there’s a high probability I’ll forget most of it by the time I get to the store. When she texts me the list, I have it readily available when I get there.

Of course there are many more advantages, but tech certainly can enhance a couple’s communication in certain circumstances.

On the negative side:

What are YOU thinking? We normally read texts/tweets based on our own current disposition, not necessarily the sender’s intent. A lot of what we express—love, fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, joy—is communicated as much through tone and body language as the actual words. There are often nuances of communication that electronic mediums cannot accurately convey. Even with capital letters and lots of exclamation points, it’s difficult to express real emotions (and the causes behind them) with emoticons.
Brevity. At times, brevity in communication is good, but often conversations between spouses require much more than short answers. Electronic communications can force quick decisions that are not nearly as well thought out as they would be if the couple talked to each other.
Tech overload. It is easy to become dependent on tech for communication to the point that we develop tech overload and forget how to honestly communicate otherwise.

A few things to remember in a tech-dependent world:

Don’t be lazy in your communication. If you find yourself texting when it would be just as easy to call and speak or (better yet) you can wait until you can speak face-to-face, then you need to reconsider your use of tech.
The power of a hand-written note. The time and effort put into thinking through and hand-writing a love note to your spouse means something. It is far more powerful and intimate than a typed text.
Where you spend your time indicates your priorities. Texting your spouse, while often convenient and necessary, is not the same as spending time with him/her in meaningful conversation.

Without communication a relationship will die. The culture will not slow down, and I don’t believe it is helpful to try and fight progress. It is helpful, however, to discern how to use the changing face of communication to benefit a couple, and to place appropriate boundaries on how spouses use communication tech in their relationship. Often, tech is a blessing for wives and husbands, but don’t let it become a crutch for avoiding real face-to-face interaction with your mate. Every now and again, agree with your spouse to have a “technology fast.” Put down the cell phones, laptops, and other electronics—look into each other’s eyes, hold hands, and just talk.

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Is your church doing everything it can to help facilitate healthy marriages? Are you sure? The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking. Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com

If you are in the Middle Tennessee area, I will be presenting a session based on The Marriage-Friendly Church at the Caring Connections Conference, Friday, May 10, 2013 from 10:15 to 11:30 a.m. Go to agapenashville.org for more info and to register. Be sure to mention that you heard about the conference here on The Marriage Blog.

Top photo image credit: <a href='http://www.123rf.com/photo_7308993_couple-texting-with-their-cell-phones.html'>tomasfoto / 123RF Stock Photo</a>

Friday, April 26, 2013

Back to the Basics

Any good coach knows that in any sport you must master the basics before you can move on to more advanced skills. And it is not simply a matter of learning the fundamental skills once and then moving on. The basic skills have to be practiced over and over until they are an automatic mental and physical response. A coach also knows that even the most accomplished players have to constantly go back to the basics, reviewing and reminding themselves, because those basic skills are foundational to everything else that is built upon them. If the basic skills begin to lapse, everything else will crumble around them.

In marriage, the same thing applies. If we do not continually remind ourselves of the basic things that lead to healthy, godly relationships, then the relationship will suffer. Sometimes we just need to be reminded about:

clear, encouraging communication
constructive ways of handling conflict
forgiveness
the importance of being playful and having fun together
being selfless rather than selfish toward our spouses
the necessity of proactively avoiding temptations and being aware of the devil’s schemes to disrupt your marriage covenant
building real, lasting intimacy
and most importantly, making marriage a powerful witness to the goodness of God

Remember, if the basic components of a godly, healthy marriage are neglected, then the relationship can’t progress toward God’s calling for you and your spouse.

What are some of the basics that you need to be revisiting to improve your relationship with your mate?

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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Not enough time

I really need to go gym and exercise this morning. Before that though, I need to help my wife get the kids ready for school because she’s got to get ready for her job too. When I finally get to the gym, I’m so rushed that I wonder if it was really worth coming. When I get to the office this morning, I’ll have 7 emails to respond to, 4 phone calls to make, and I’ll need to finish the report that I didn’t have time to finish yesterday afternoon. All of that needs to be done before my 9:00 staff meeting (that I’m leading and haven’t even begun to prepare for). By the end of the work day I will have been in 3 more meetings (two of which were planned, and one that just popped up but had to be taken care of). The lunch hour is split between a 2-month-delayed “catch up” time with a friend, and going to the bank, the post office, and two places to pay bills. A co-worker pops into my office in the late afternoon and asks for 5 minutes to get advice on a project, and before I know it, it is 45 minutes later. When I finally leave the office, my mind is in over-drive. How I will fit in the things that I had to table until tomorrow with the all the other things tomorrow will bring? As I pull into the driveway 30 minutes later than what I told my wife I’d be home, I notice the yard needs mowing, but that will have to wait because two kids have soccer practice at two different fields in half an hour. As I walk in the house the box with my daughter’s new dresser that needs to be put

together still lies on the floor unopened. After soccer practice and helping with homework, its bath and bed time for the kids. I feel guilty for rushing them to bed without a family devotional time, but I know I’ll feel worse doing it because they are tired and will fuss and fight through the whole thing. I try to help my wife with some house cleaning and packing the kids’ lunches for the next day, but I get side-tracked because the dog needs to be walked and fed. When my wife and I finally fall into bed, we watch a little TV, maybe share a few highlights of the day (if we don’t fall asleep first), and then we wake up the next morning to do it all again.

Sound familiar? One of the biggest complaints for many couples is a lack of time for each other. It happens in different ways at different phases of life, but work, children, caring for aging parents, personal obligations, church obligations, unplanned events like sickness or tragedy, going back to school, or any number of other obstacles can destroy a couple’s time together.

So, what do we do? Work has to be done, children have to be cared for, the house has to be cleaned, and people need us. We have so much to do, we can’t do it all, so we constantly feel exhausted and guilty. Occasional date nights or vacations with our spouses are nice, but the layers of fatigue and stress often can’t be peeled away in such a very, very short time.

Ultimately, it is up to each individual couple to decide how they will manage their time, but here are a few things every couple needs to remember:

Never forget that where you spend your time is one of two main indicators of your priorities (the other is where you spend your money, but that’s a post for another day). If your marriage is important to you, you will find a way to carve out meaningful time for your spouse. Finding time together may mean that other things have to be sacrificed, but growing your marriage is worth whatever you give up to do so.

Attend to the important first, not the urgent. There will always be some “voice” screaming for your time and attention. Most of us choose to live a frenetic, adrenaline-driven lifestyle. Let me say that again, "most of us choose..." Learn to say “no” occasionally, and if you have a hard time saying it, ask your mate to help you to say “no” when necessary.

Understand the necessity of a regular couple’s Sabbath time. God created us to need regular rest and recovery. We need it physically and we need it spiritually. Couples need to be proactive in using that time to come closer to each other as they come closer to God. It must be prioritized, put on the calendar, and protected zealously.

There will never be enough time to do everything you want to do. Remember what’s really important in the long run, and don’t let your marriage become a casualty of a lifestyle that devours godly, healthy relationships.

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Friday, April 5, 2013

It's still Easter in your marriage

Well, Easter has come and gone, but the holiday itself is just a reminder of the ongoing meaning. Easter is a continually call to embrace the new life we have in Christ. We remember that we are called to different kind of life—the resurrection life—that is radically different from the old life we put to death.

So what does that have to do with marriage? If marriage is a Kingdom calling (which I believe it is), we must continually ask the question, “How are you bringing ‘new life’ into your marriage on an ongoing basis so that the world can see Christ in you as a couple?”

I don’t know where you are in your marriage right now, but if your relationship is characterized by your selfish desires, demands, and expectations of your spouse (and all of us are that way at one time or another), then it’s time to put those things to death so that you can start moving toward a “new life” with your mate. That new life in your marriage will be characterized by

selflessly serving your mate
loving in action as well as word
forgiveness without any strings attached
embracing a renewed trust
a shared hope that can only come through Christ

We live in a world marred by darkness. The ongoing Easter call is for us, by the power of God, to continually drive out the world's darkness that tries to seep into our marriages, and replace it with the light of Christ. Often times, the first step to a “new life” in your marriage is being honest with yourself and your spouse about the things you need to change. Once you do that, you open up yourself and your marriage for God to do powerful things through you!

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