The 8th Axiom...God created sex, and sex is good!

     When was the last time you thanked God for your sex life?  When was the last time you and your spouse together thanked God for your sex life?  For some people, this is a really, really weird question.  After many years of premarital counseling, I’ve noticed that often couples who grew up with a strong church background are the ones most reluctant to embrace sex as a spiritual blessing.  The 8^th Axiom of Marriage says, “God created sex and sex is good, but it is only a part of a holistic intimacy (that includes other forms of physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, social intimacy, and spiritual intimacy)”

     God created sex, and sex is good.  I certainly don’t mean that in a flippant way.  Scripture tells us that everything God made is good, and Genesis 1:27-28 tells us that God made them male and female and God told them to reproduce (have sex) and fill the earth.  And God didn’t just create the act of sex.  He created humanity to be sexual beings, giving us marriage as a holy relationship for sexual expression.  In 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, Paul reminds couples to not just have sex, but to have sex often so that a husband and a wife can please each other in a holy and righteous way, and not be tempted to dishonor God through reckless, misplaced sexual behaviors.  The Song of Songs celebrates the sexual relationship.  Both the Lover and the Beloved describe sex as a delicacy they anxiously desire to share with each other.  “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue…Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere.  Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” (Song of Songs 4:11, 16)

     God created sex, and sex is good.  Sex is meant to be a monogamous relationship between one man and one woman and kept within the context of marriage for the purpose of procreation and recreation.  But sex is also very powerful.  Sex, if abused and taken out of the context God intended, can harm a marriage and destroy any true sense of intimacy and goodness.  Sex can be used to coerce, demean, or belittle one’s mate as easily as it can be used to bring pleasure and intimate connection to a marriage.  Because sex is so powerful, God (who knows infinitely more than us) provides boundaries for sexual expression between a husband and wife.  Those boundaries protect us and enhance intimacy and spiritual growth (for more on the boundaries God gives us for sexual expression, click here).

     But you can’t base a marriage on sex alone.  While the sexual relationship should not be minimized or separated from your Christian life, if the sexual act is your only means of expressing intimacy it will eventually become a selfish, performance-driven act rather than an holy expression of joy and celebration that blesses you and your mate.  Using your physical presence to make your spouse feel safe, comforted, and connected, caring about what your mate thinks, truly hearing your lover’s heart in both joy and pain, connecting into your spouse’s world through his/her daily interactions, and protecting your covenant lover’s soul and spirit as you serve God’s Kingdom together—all of these are ways we connect intimately with our mates.  And when we deepen our intimate connections in all areas, it can’t help but to enhance and bless your sex life as well.

     Pay attention to your sexual relationship.  Enjoy this wonderful way of engaging each other that God has given to you and your spouse alone to enjoy and share together.  Connect intimately with your spouse in multiple ways.  Cherish the intimate connections you have with your spouse, knowing that God created sex, and sex is good.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7th Axiom of Marriage: Controlling the Environment

     My wife’s internal thermostat is broken.  At least that’s what I tell her, because whenever I am hot, she is cold, and when I am cold, she is hot.  This leads to the house thermostat being adjusted up and down, the ceiling fan being turned on and off, and covers being pulled up and kicked off all night.  We both want to be comfortable, so we do the best we can to control our environment.

     Just like in a house, there is an environment that exists within a marriage relationship.  It can be suffocatingly hot or a refreshingly cool breeze.  It can be pleasant or hostile.  It can bring consistent laughter and joy or cause constant pain and discomfort.

     Conflict is inevitable in any healthy relationship.  Because God created us as unique individuals with differing perspectives, in a relationship as close and intimate as marriage there will always be some level of disagreement.  Sometimes that disagreement is minor, and sometimes it is major.  There are multiple methods couples can utilize to handle conflict in a healthy and productive way, but one that is often overlooked is being very intentional about cultivating and controlling the environment prior to the conflict.

     The 7^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Controlling a healthy environment (this is NOT the same as trying to control your mate) is the best way to manage conflict.”  What environment are you cultivating and controlling in your marriage?  Undoubtedly, during a conflict it will get heated, but what about on a day-to-day basis?  Do you show kindness to your spouse regularly, without any thought of what you’ll get in return?  Are you patient when he/she takes longer to do something than it takes you?  Does your mate hear positive and encouraging words from you every day?  Do you play together and laugh together often?  When you give up something you want to do to help your lover, do you do so with joy?  Does your spouse know he/she can count on your word?  When mistakes happen, does your spouse know he/she can be honest with you even when it might hurt to do so?  Do you verbalize and show your love for your mate?  If you regularly live in an environment of forgiveness, encouragement, selflessness, care, and integrity before a conflict occurs, then when conflict happens it becomes a much easier road to travel, because you know you are traveling it together.  The pain of the moment is not the normal environment you exist within, so you and your spouse do whatever you can to return to your normal loving, peaceful, healthy way of being.

     Again, controlling the environment in your home is NOT controlling your mate.  Cultivating a good environment cannot include manipulation, guilt, passive-aggressive games, or other forms of forced control.  Cultivating a good environment in your home means you recognize that you are responsible for your choices and how you live in relation to your spouse.  Are you proactively doing things to create a healthy climate for your marriage?  You cannot make you spouse say or do anything he/she doesn’t want to do.  And from time to time, your spouse will do things you don’t like.  But, if you both are committed to Christ, committed to each other, and committed to the marriage, then you will work together to create an ongoing environment that will bless both of you.

     Holding on to grudges, anger, pride, and selfishness will kill a marriage.  Recognize that you will both make mistakes from time to time, and decide now what you both need to do to cultivate and ongoing environment of forgiveness, encouragement, selflessness, care, and integrity.  Then when conflict does come, the heat won’t get turned up quite so quickly.  Are you doing your part to "control the thermostat" and create a healthy, God-honoring, Christ-centered environment together?

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

Prayers for Charleston

"This is what the Lord says:

A voice is heard in Ramah,

mourning and great weeping,

Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted because they are no more."

(Jeremiah 31:15)

     I pray that I never have to experience the kind of pain the families at the Emmanuel AME church and others in Charleston, SC are facing right now.  Please pray for the families of these precious people; the husbands and wives who have lost their spouses, the parents who have lost their children, the children who have lost their parents and grandparents; brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors, who will be missed by so many.
     I don’t have any good, soothing answers for what happened.  Our world is broken and messed up. But what I can share with you is the hope that we have in Christ. The hope that Jesus is coming again, and that evil will be destroyed, pain and sadness and grief will end, and all things will be made new.

     I am amazed at the courage and faith of those families who extended forgiveness and mercy through their pain.  They did not use the distinctions of this world to divide, but rather the name of Christ to unite.  They are the face of Jesus that I hope I can be, that we all can be.

Lord God, we mourn as a nation and we mourn as individuals. We are deeply saddened. We are fearful. We are grieving for families we do not know. We are angry. But most of all, we are confused.  Please Father, be with these families and give them a peace that passes understanding.

In Christ, Amen.

The 6th Axiom of Marriage: Conflict is good

     Do you and your spouse agree on everything?  Do you like the same restaurants?  The same TV shows?  The same movies?  Do you like to engage in the same hobbies and activities?  Are you in full agreement on how to raise your kids, especially how to discipline them?  Certainly, you have the same religious beliefs, right?  How about your feelings on family and in-laws?  Do you have the same thoughts about your sex life?  Are your priorities always the same?

     If you and your spouse agree on everything, something is wrong.  The 6^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Conflict is not abnormal and does not have to be destructive to a marriage.”  When I am counseling with a couple, I am actually more worried about a couple that reports no conflict than I am about a couple that reports constant conflict?  Why would I be worried about an absence of conflict?  Because God created us as unique individuals.  You and your spouse have different life experiences, different backgrounds, different perspectives, different emotional make-ups, different faith journeys, and different ways of engaging the world around you.  If a husband and a wife say they are in complete agreement on everything, all the time, then most likely one of them is being suppressed in some way and is afraid to express what he/she really thinks or believes.  In any intimate, authentic, transparent, Godly relationship, conflict will be present, and can be good.

     Now, don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.  On the whole, I am a conflict avoider.  I hate conflict.  I get mad.  I talk out loud.  I do physical activities to try and reduce my stress.  I cry out to God, sometimes internally, and sometimes out loud.  But when it comes to facing off with someone, I just don’t want to do it.  I’m a conflict avoider.  But conflict, IF HANDLED CORRECTLY, can be good for you and good for your marriage.*  Here’s a few ways how:

• Conflict causes you to refocus on your marriage.  Are the choices you’re making for the good of the marriage, or do they come from a place of selfishness, or pride, or anger?
• Conflict helps you to recognize you are not always in control.  Ultimately, you can only make choices for yourself.  You cannot make choices for your spouse.
• Conflict allows you to see other solutions to your problems.  Even in conflict, your spouse can open your eyes to other possibilities that you can't always see alone.
• Conflict keeps you humble.  Have you ever adamantly defended a position, only to later discover that you were wrong?  Humility will keep you connected to your spouse, if you both are accepting of your own and your spouse’s shortcomings.
• Conflict brings personal and spiritual growth.  If what you believe is never challenged in a significant way, you will stagnate.  Growth is essential for a healthy relationship with each other and in your relationship with God, both individually and as a couple.
• In conflict, you can more clearly hear your covenant lover’s heart.  Normally, we only argue about the things we are passionate about.  And whether he/she is right or wrong, in conflict you can more fully experience your mate’s feelings, desires, and fears.
• Conflict draws you closer to God.  In times of conflict, you are given a definitive opportunity to live out your faith with your spouse through love, forgiveness, patience, grace, mercy, and kindness—even when your emotions aren’t currently matching the actions God calls you to.

     Like I said, I’m a conflict avoider, but in conflict (or shortly after), I’m often led to appreciate Lisa more, and thank God for the blessing of wife who lives for Christ, and loves me in spite of my faults.

*This post is not intended to address extreme addictions, abuse, or other forms of marital conflict that require professional clinical counseling.  If there is conflict in your relationship that presents danger to your well-being—physically, mentally, emotionally, or in any way—or if you live in a state of fear due to conflict, seek immediate professional and protective help.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here