What
dessert or treat do you and your spouse most enjoy sharing together? For some, there’s nothing better than a dozen
fresh, hot Krispy Kreme donuts. When the
neon “hot” sign is lit up and you watch the freshly baked delicacy move down
the conveyer through the waterfall of glaze, it’s like an irresistible impulse
draws you in. Those donuts just simply melt in your mouth! A dozen fresh Krispy Kremes don’t last long, and
sometimes they might not even last through the drive home. Is there a dessert or treat that you and your
mate simply can’t resist?
The
Song of Songs celebrates the sexual relationship. Both the Lover and the Beloved describe sex
as a delicacy they anxiously desire to share with each other. “Your lips drop sweetness
as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue…Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may
spread everywhere. Let my beloved come
into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” (Song
of Songs 4:11, 16)
When was the last time you thanked God for
your sex life? When was the last time you and your spouse together
thanked God for your sex life? For some people, this is a really, really
weird question. After many years of premarital counseling, I’ve noticed
that often couples who grew up with a strong church background are the ones
most reluctant to see sex as a spiritual blessing.
God created sex, and sex is good. I certainly
don’t mean that in a flippant way.
Scripture tells us that everything God made is good, and Genesis 1:27-28
tells us that God made them male and female and God told them to reproduce
(have sex) and fill the earth. God
created sex, and sex is good. And God
didn’t just create the act of sex. He
created humanity to be sexual beings, giving us marriage as a holy relationship
for sexual expression.
Sex is meant to be a monogamous
relationship between one man and one woman and kept within the context of
marriage for the purpose of procreation and recreation. But sex is also
very powerful. Sex, if abused and taken
out of the context God intended, can harm a marriage and destroy any true sense
of intimacy and goodness. Sex can be
used to coerce, demean, or belittle one’s mate as easily as it can be used to
bring pleasure and intimate connection to a marriage. Because sex is so powerful, God (who knows
infinitely more than us) provides boundaries for sexual expression between a
husband and wife. Those boundaries protect us and enhance intimacy and
spiritual growth.
So what
are the boundaries God gives us for the sexual relationship? While the Bible does have a lot to say about
marriage and the sexual relationship, there is not a single specific passage
that puts it all in one place. When we
look at scripture holistically, this is what we find:
A
husband and wife are free to engage each other sexually,
provided it is
monogamous (Hebrews 13:4),
mutually consensual (1 Corinthians 7:3-5),
and
doesn’t dehumanize or harm you or your spouse physically, emotionally, or
spiritually (Genesis 1:27-28)
First, the
sexual relationship must remain monogamous.
Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage
should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge
the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” God wants a husband and wife to enjoy and
grow in intimacy toward each other without anyone else interfering with that
relationship. If physical intimacy is
compromised, then emotional, social, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy are
likewise affected.
“Keeping the marriage bed pure” means both
physically and mentally. Whether it is
through the use of pornography or through inappropriate fantasies of someone
(real or imagined) other than your spouse, bringing someone else into the
marriage bed diminishes your relationship with your spouse.
Second,
the sexual relationship must be mutually consensual. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 reads, “The husband should
fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have
authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the
husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other
except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote
yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you
because of your lack of self-control.” Yielding authority over your body to your
mate does not give either partner the right to be selfish or demanding in the
sexual relationship. It does mean that
you find mutually enjoyable ways to satisfy each other sexually.
However, the premise of mutually
consensual acts does not supersede the third boundary. The sexual relationship must not dehumanize
or harm either spouse physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Genesis 1:27-28 makes it clear that we are
made in the image of God, and it is imperative that you always regard and treat
your spouse as an image-bearer of God. Being
an image-bearer of God means there is something unique about humanity. Because men and women are created in the
image of God, we are endowed by God with an intellect, a moral compass, and a
desire for community that reflects the relationship of Father, Son, and Spirit,
and God’s desire for community with us.
Being made in the image of God elevates sex from a purely physical, animalistic
act to a holy participation in God’s loving and creative work in this world.
When we keep the sexual relationship
within the boundaries God provides, we protect our mates’ hearts and
minds. We give our spouses a framework
for intimacy that draws us closer to them and closer to God.
You can’t base a marriage on sex alone,
but the sexual relationship also should not be minimized or separated from your
Christian life. When you got married,
you desired each other sexually, and sex was an important and regular part of
your relationship. As you grow older and
mature as a couple, some aspects of the sexual relationship may have to change,
but don’t let change become an excuse for depriving your mate. In Scripture, the spiritual and the physical
are tied together. Depriving your mate
breaks a deeply meaningful and intimate connection that should be shared only between
the two of you. Sex is one of the most powerful
elements of human relationships. It can
be used destructively in a relationship to manipulate, coerce, humiliate, or demean
your spouse. It can also be used to
bring glory and honor to God as a husband and wife share in the wonderful gift
and ultimate physical expression of intimacy that God has given to humanity. Pay attention to your sexual relationship,
enjoy this wonderful way of engaging each other that God has given to you and
your spouse (and the two of you alone) to enjoy together, and thank God when
“the hot light” is on.
_______________________
What does God want from my
marriage?
A Weekend
Marriage Enrichment Retreat
Friday-Sunday, March 7-9, 2014
Edgewater at the Aquarium Hotel and Conference Center
Gatlinburg, TN
Gatlinburg, TN
Limited to 30 couples
Email
dfcamp@gmail.com for more info
__________________________________
Is your church doing everything it can to help facilitate healthy marriages? Are you sure? The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking. Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com
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