Shout it from the mountaintops!

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

     Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” 

     So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 

     In this brief passage from Luke 2:8-18, the single most important announcement in history is delivered—in the person of Jesus Christ, God has come into the world!  The shepherds receive the good news and are told specifically what signs to look for as they search out God among us.

     Although we are not heavenly beings like the angels on high, in Christian marriage, we are called by God to carry the same commission—to announce the presence of God in the world.  While we do not announce the birth of a baby, we do announce the presence of a King.  And just as the angels told the shepherds what to look for, there are definitive signs that will validate our announcement.

     When you love your spouse, when you seek his/her well-being above your own, when you forgive, when you speak words of blessing and encouragement into your mate’s life, when you provide a place of safety and goodness, when grace and mercy flow freely, when God reigns in your hearts and in your home, when you live out your faith first-and-foremost with your spouse—in those moments, you loudly and powerfully proclaim that Jesus Christ, the Lord and Messiah, has come into this world and is living among us.

     Please, let your marriage “shout it from the mountaintops” —the good news that will cause great joy for all the people—Jesus is here.

Change is coming! The 10th Axiom of Marriage

     Aren’t you glad that you and your spouse are exactly like you were when you married.  Isn’t it great that you still both look exactly the same, think exactly the same, act and react exactly the same, and that life hasn’t thrown you any circumstances that have radically reoriented your marriage relationship.  I sure am glad that is the case for Lisa and me.

     Obviously, I’m being a bit facetious and sarcastic.  Whether you’ve been married less than a month or over 60 years, as you and your covenant lover go through life together, the only guarantee that you have is the 10^th Axiom of Marriage: In marriage, THINGS WILL CHANGE, and your relationship will be dependent on how you and your spouse navigate changes.  Everything—physical health, communication, intimacy, family relationships, (possibly) mental health, social relationships, spirituality—will change.  Sometimes change comes slowly and sometimes change comes quickly.  However it happens, you have to expect change.

     The key question is how will you respond when change happens?  Remember, no matter what stage you are at in your marriage, Satan will always be working to destroy your covenant relationship, either through neglect or through more aggressive means.  When your spouse doesn’t look like she used to, do you begin comparing her unfavorably to others?  When your sex life changes, do you seek intimate connections elsewhere?  When your mate’s spiritual beliefs change, do you condemn him or recognize that you are both on a spiritual journey and he may be at a different place?  When age or illness causes physical disabilities, do you see helping her as a burden or as a blessing?  When he has a hard time relating to your adult children, do you talk negatively about him in front of the kids, or help him through that difficult transition?  Remember, Satan is always looking for changes in your marriage relationship that can be exploited to drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

     Obviously, every couple is different and is living out their own unique story.  However, here are some general thoughts for navigating change:

• Keep your relationship anchored in Christ.  It is always easy to let your marriage become directed by the world, but your love for God is always evidenced by how you love your spouse.  Pray with each other always.
• Remind yourself of your marriage covenant on a regular basis.  Whether it’s re-watching your marriage video, renewing your vows, or just reflecting daily on the blessings your spouse brings to your life, continually reinforce a positive perspective of your marriage relationship.
• Express your love both in word and in deed often.  Your mate needs to hear and see your love on a regular basis so that there is never any doubt in his/her mind.
• How you communicate might change, but don’t let communication die or the relationship will die with it.  Without communication spouses become isolated and lose connection with each other.  Healthy, regular communication is necessary for any relationship to work.
• Consistently revisit your expectations (personally, for each other, and for the marriage).  Do this especially when changes occur.  When life takes you in a different direction, it is too easy to assume your mate will know what you think, feel, or need, and then to become upset or offended when he/she doesn’t respond accordingly.
• Handle conflict in a timely manner.  If conflict is not addressed, walls will build up between you and your spouse.
•  Practice forgiveness on an ongoing basis.  Forgive your mate and forgive yourself.  Don’t let the poisonous root of anger, resentment, and guilt kill your marriage.
• Continually guard each other’s hearts and minds.  Proverbs 4:23 reminds us that it is the well-spring of life; your own personal spiritual life and the life of your marriage.
• How you express intimacy may have to change, but don’t let intimacy slip away.  Showing intimacy—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and spiritually—is always necessary for a healthy connection.
• Recognize the power and necessity of acceptance.  Your spouse won’t always look the same.  Your spouse may not always think about things exactly the same.  You may face changes in your family structure.  When changes occur, it is critical to let your spouse know that you accept him/her for who he/she is. To bemoan what you cannot change is hurtful to your spouse and negatively impacts your marriage.
• Constantly check where you are spending your time and your resources because that is what you value.  Your resources always flow to your priorities, so at every stage, with every significant change, verify what is really important to you.
• Don’t wait until the elusive “later” to enjoy your time and do things with your mate.  It is always easy to wait for “a more convenient time,” but tomorrow doesn’t always come.  Live within your means, but don’t live with regrets over the simple pleasures in life that you were too busy to enjoy.
• Play together and laugh together often.  Few things can connect you to your mate as intimately and powerfully as playing together.  And, when the uncertainty of change looms darkly on the horizon, shared play and laughter can alleviate anxiety and worry better than anything else.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  There is no shame in needing help.  When different experiences of life present problems you’ve never encountered before, seek the counsel of other godly couples who have walked that road ahead of you.
• And most importantly, use your marriage in God’s kingdom at every step.  The list of ways you can use your marriage to serve God’s Kingdom is endless.  And what you are able to do at one stage of life might be different from what you are able to do at another.  Just be intentional to do something together to serve God’s Kingdom at every step of the way.

     Change is often confusing and trying.  We are resistant to change because it is frequently accompanied by the unknown, and that can be scary.  The blessed promise of a Christ-centered marriage is that God has given us someone with whom we can face the challenges of life.  Whether we are singing praises to God on a mountain top or walking through the valley of the shadow of death, we know God is with us because our spouse is with us.

     Together, embrace the joys and blessings that come with each stage of life.  Together, love each other through the hardships and pain.  Together, use your marriage powerfully in God’s Kingdom.  Be the very presence of Christ for your mate in every way possible—in love, in forgiveness, in grace, in mercy, in selflessness, and in goodness.  When you do that, change will still happen…but it will be a whole lot less disorienting.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 8^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 9^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

What's Really Important? The 9th Axiom of Marriage

     You can tell me all day long what is important to you and your spouse,  individually or as a couple.  But if I can see your checkbook register and your daily schedule, I’ll tell you what’s really important to you.  The 9^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Your resources always flow to your priorities.  Where you spend your time and your money indicates where your priorities lie within a marriage.”  This is an inescapable truth.  Your time and your money will always go to your priorities.  And in a marriage relationship, it will be the strongest mirror of what is important to each spouse individually, and the main indicator of whether or not you and your spouse are on the same page about what is really important to you as a couple.

     When a couple agrees on how to spend time and finances, you are bringing your priorities together.  All of your relational priorities—spiritual, emotional, social, intellectual, and intimate—are revealed in the physical realities of how you use your two greatest resources.  While you may not always be in 100% agreement, you and your spouse need equal input on how you manage your money and time.  In marriage you are one, not two living in the same household.    The way you use your time and money is a gauge—it is a gauge of your love, respect, and honor for your spouse.  Equal input builds up those qualities, while giving you a deeper understanding of what is important to each of you individually and what is really important to you together as a couple.

     For some couples, there is a real temptation to say, “Our time and money don’t say much about our priorities, because we don’t have enough of either to say anything.”  But the reality is, that is when it says the most about what you and your mate value.  When hard choices and sacrifices have to be made, that is when our strongest priorities rise to the surface.  It is in times of want that you best see you and your mate’s core convictions, desires, and drives.

     Whether you are living in a time of plenty or a time of need, a busy season of life or a time of relaxation—I would challenge you to sit down with your spouse and take an honest look at where your money and time are going.  Compare your calendars and see where you are spending time, both individually and together.  Look at your finances.  As your priorities come to light, ask yourself some questions.

"According to where we spend our time and money..."

• ...what do I value most?
• ...what does my spouse value most?
• ...how aware are we of each other’s priorities (actual priorities as reflected by the daily schedules and bank statements, not just what we wish for or proclaim)?
• ...are our values in line with each other, or in contrast to each other?
• ...do I try to hide or distract my mate from where I am spending time or money?
• ...what do our priorities say about marriage, children, family, and having appropriate boundaries?
• ...most importantly, what does the flow of our resources say about our spirituality and how we use our marriage within the Kingdom of God?

     Honestly evaluating one’s self and together honestly evaluating the marriage relationship can be a sobering undertaking.  But knowing your priorities, knowing your spouse’s priorities, and knowing where your priorities line up and where they diverge will open up new conversations—conversations that will lead to a healthier marriage and a better understanding of each other.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 8^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

God created sex, and sex is good! The 8th Axiom of Marriage

     When was the last time you thanked God for your sex life?  When was the last time you and your spouse together thanked God for your sex life?  For some people, this is a really, really weird question.  After many years of premarital counseling, I’ve noticed that often couples who grew up with a strong church background are the ones most reluctant to embrace sex as a spiritual blessing.  The 8^th Axiom of Marriage says, “God created sex and sex is good, but it is only a part of a holistic intimacy (that includes other forms of physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, social intimacy, and spiritual intimacy)”

     God created sex, and sex is good.  I certainly don’t mean that in a flippant way.  Scripture tells us that everything God made is good, and Genesis 1:27-28 tells us that God made them male and female and God told them to reproduce (have sex) and fill the earth.  And God didn’t just create the act of sex.  He created humanity to be sexual beings, giving us marriage as a holy relationship for sexual expression.  In 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, Paul reminds couples to not just have sex, but to have sex often so that a husband and a wife can please each other in a holy and righteous way, and not be tempted to dishonor God through reckless, misplaced sexual behaviors.  The Song of Songs celebrates the sexual relationship.  Both the Lover and the Beloved describe sex as a delicacy they anxiously desire to share with each other.  “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue…Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere.  Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” (Song of Songs 4:11,16)

     God created sex, and sex is good.  Sex is meant to be a monogamous relationship between one man and one woman and kept within the context of marriage for the purpose of procreation and recreation.  But sex is also very powerful.  Sex, if abused and taken out of the context God intended, can harm a marriage and destroy any true sense of intimacy and goodness.  Sex can be used to coerce, demean, or belittle one’s mate as easily as it can be used to bring pleasure and intimate connection to a marriage.  Because sex is so powerful, God (who knows infinitely more than us) provides boundaries for sexual expression between a husband and wife.  Those boundaries protect us and enhance intimacy and spiritual growth (for more on the boundaries God gives us for sexual expression, click here).

     But you can’t base a marriage on sex alone.  While the sexual relationship should not be minimized or separated from your Christian life, if the sexual act is your only means of expressing intimacy it will eventually become a selfish, performance-driven act rather than an holy expression of joy and celebration that blesses you and your mate.  Using your physical presence to make your spouse feel safe, comforted, and connected, caring about what your mate thinks, truly hearing your lover’s heart in both joy and pain, connecting into your spouse’s world through his/her daily interactions, and protecting your covenant lover’s soul and spirit as you serve God’s Kingdom together—all of these are ways we connect intimately with our mates.  And when we deepen our intimate connections in all areas, it can’t help but to enhance and bless your sex life as well.

     Pay attention to your sexual relationship.  Enjoy this wonderful way of engaging each other that God has given to you and your spouse alone to enjoy and share together.  Connect intimately with your spouse in multiple ways.  Cherish the intimate connections you have with your spouse, knowing that God created sex, and sex is good.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

Controlling the Environment: The 7th Axiom of Marriage

     My wife’s internal thermostat is broken.  At least that’s what I tell her, because whenever I am hot, she is cold, and when I am cold, she is hot.  This leads to the house thermostat being adjusted up and down, the ceiling fan being turned on and off, and covers being pulled up and kicked off all night.  We both want to be comfortable, so we do the best we can to control our environment.

     Just like in a house, there is an environment that exists within a marriage relationship.  It can be suffocatingly hot or a refreshingly cool breeze.  It can be pleasant or hostile.  It can bring consistent laughter and joy or cause constant pain and discomfort.

     Conflict is inevitable in any healthy relationship.  Because God created us as unique individuals with differing perspectives, in a relationship as close and intimate as marriage there will always be some level of disagreement.  Sometimes that disagreement is minor, and sometimes it is major.  There are multiple methods couples can utilize to handle conflict in a healthy and productive way, but one that is often overlooked is being very intentional about cultivating and controlling the environment prior to the conflict.

     The 7^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Controlling a healthy environment (this is NOT the same as trying to control your mate) is the best way to manage conflict.”  What environment are you cultivating and controlling in your marriage?  Undoubtedly, during a conflict it will get heated, but what about on a day-to-day basis?  Do you show kindness to your spouse regularly, without any thought of what you’ll get in return?  Are you patient when he/she takes longer to do something than it takes you?  Does your mate hear positive and encouraging words from you every day?  Do you play together and laugh together often?  When you give up something you want to do to help your lover, do you do so with joy?  Does your spouse know he/she can count on your word?  When mistakes happen, does your spouse know he/she can be honest with you even when it might hurt to do so?  Do you verbalize and show your love for your mate?  If you regularly live in an environment of forgiveness, encouragement, selflessness, care, and integrity before a conflict occurs, then when conflict happens it becomes a much easier road to travel, because you know you are traveling it together.  The pain of the moment is not the normal environment you exist within, so you and your spouse do whatever you can to return to your normal loving, peaceful, healthy way of being.

     Again, controlling the environment in your home is NOT controlling your mate.  Cultivating a good environment cannot include manipulation, guilt, passive-aggressive games, or other forms of forced control.  Cultivating a good environment in your home means you recognize that you are responsible for your choices and how you live in relation to your spouse.  Are you proactively doing things to create a healthy climate for your marriage?  You cannot make you spouse say or do anything he/she doesn’t want to do.  And from time to time, your spouse will do things you don’t like.  But, if you both are committed to Christ, committed to each other, and committed to the marriage, then you will work together to create an ongoing environment that will bless both of you.

     Holding on to grudges, anger, pride, and selfishness will kill a marriage.  Recognize that you will both make mistakes from time to time, and decide now what you both need to do to cultivate and ongoing environment of forgiveness, encouragement, selflessness, care, and integrity.  Then when conflict does come, the heat won’t get turned up quite so quickly.  Are you doing your part to "control the thermostat" and create a healthy, God-honoring, Christ-centered environment together?

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

Conflict is good!?! The 6th Axiom of Marriage

     Do you and your spouse agree on everything?  Do you like the same restaurants?  The same TV shows?  The same movies?  Do you like to engage in the same hobbies and activities?  Are you in full agreement on how to raise your kids, especially how to discipline them?  Certainly, you have the same religious beliefs, right?  How about your feelings on family and in-laws?  Do you have the same thoughts about your sex life?  Are your priorities always the same?

     If you and your spouse agree on everything, something is wrong.  The 6^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Conflict is not abnormal and does not have to be destructive to a marriage.”  When I am counseling with a couple, I am actually more worried about a couple that reports no conflict than I am about a couple that reports constant conflict?  Why would I be worried about an absence of conflict?  Because God created us as unique individuals.  You and your spouse have different life experiences, different backgrounds, different perspectives, different emotional make-ups, different faith journeys, and different ways of engaging the world around you.  If a husband and a wife say they are in complete agreement on everything, all the time, then most likely one of them is being suppressed in some way and is afraid to express what he/she really thinks or believes.  In any intimate, authentic, transparent, Godly relationship, conflict will be present, and can be good.

     Now, don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.  On the whole, I am a conflict avoider.  I hate conflict.  I get mad.  I talk out loud.  I do physical activities to try and reduce my stress.  I cry out to God, sometimes internally, and sometimes out loud.  But when it comes to facing off with someone, I just don’t want to do it.  I’m a conflict avoider.  But conflict, IF HANDLED CORRECTLY, can be good for you and good for your marriage.*  Here’s a few ways how:

• Conflict causes you to refocus on your marriage.  Are the choices you’re making for the good of the marriage, or do they come from a place of selfishness, or pride, or anger?
• Conflict helps you to recognize you are not always in control.  Ultimately, you can only make choices for yourself.  You cannot make choices for your spouse.
• Conflict allows you to see other solutions to your problems.  Even in conflict, your spouse can open your eyes to other possibilities that you can't always see alone.
• Conflict keeps you humble.  Have you ever adamantly defended a position, only to later discover that you were wrong?  Humility will keep you connected to your spouse, if you both are accepting of your own and your spouse’s shortcomings.
• Conflict brings personal and spiritual growth.  If what you believe is never challenged in a significant way, you will stagnate.  Growth is essential for a healthy relationship with each other and in your relationship with God, both individually and as a couple.
• In conflict, you can more clearly hear your covenant lover’s heart.  Normally, we only argue about the things we are passionate about.  And whether he/she is right or wrong, in conflict you can more fully experience your mate’s feelings, desires, and fears.
• Conflict draws you closer to God.  In times of conflict, you are given a definitive opportunity to live out your faith with your spouse through love, forgiveness, patience, grace, mercy, and kindness—even when your emotions aren’t currently matching the actions God calls you to.

     Like I said, I’m a conflict avoider, but in conflict (or shortly after), I’m often led to appreciate Lisa more, and thank God for the blessing of a wife who lives for Christ, and loves me in spite of my faults.

*This post is not intended to address extreme addictions, abuse, or other forms of marital conflict that require professional clinical counseling.  If there is conflict in your relationship that presents danger to your well-being—physically, mentally, emotionally, or in any way—or if you live in a state of fear due to conflict, seek immediate professional and protective help.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

Say What!? The 5th Axiom of Marriage

     There is an art and a discipline to healthy communication.  Words can convey love, provide encouragement, offer hope, build intimacy, provoke life-improving discernment, flow with praise, express gratitude, sooth broken hearts, bring reconciliation, and draw spouses close together.  Words can also smack of hatred, bitterly discourage, smash dreams, tear down connectedness, enable destructive cycles, reek of criticism, cut deeply, drive a wedge, and reinforce painful isolation and loneliness.  Without a doubt, words have power.

     In Christian marriage, positive, godly, Christ-centered communication is one of the greatest gifts God has given us.  The 5^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Without communication, a relationship will die.”  There is no way around this truth.  Communication is essential to any relationship.  Healthy communication (which is not the same as agreeing with your mate on everything, or only talking about the good stuff) will bring about a healthy marriage.  Unhealthy communication will create an unhealthy marriage.  And constant unhealthy communication will often lead to no communication, which will ultimately kill a marriage relationship.

     Even in the best of circumstances, communication is tough.  It is important to remember that in every communication, three things happen:

• First, there is what is said. What are the actual words that are formed and spoken out loud?  Do they help the marriage or harm it?  Do they bring life or death to the relationship?  Do you speak out of love and concern for your spouse and the relationship, or do you speak out of anger, pride, or selfishness?
• Second, there is what is heard. What did you understand to be the actual words your mate spoke? Have you ever thought your spouse just said the craziest thing?  "What do you mean there's a ninja monkey in the front yard?" Sometimes we simply do not correctly understand the words spoken.  When that happens, do you give your mate the benefit of the doubt, or do you immediately assume the worst of your lover?
• Third, there is what is interpreted. What did your spouse mean to convey? Are you accurately understanding his/her intention? What does your tone of voice and body language communicate?  When you and your spouse talk, do you live in an environment of mistrust and animosity, or in an environment of God-centered, marriage-blessing communication?

     As you and your mate talk, are you talking with each other or are you talking at each other? Below are some tips for healthy communication.  Read through them, and honestly and carefully consider if you’re really communicating or just talking.

Reminder Tips for Clear, Healthy Communication

• Listen—Most people are tempted to zero in on one specific point brought up in conversation, rush to defend an action or position, or begin to formulate what he/she will say next.  Listen to your mate fully and carefully.
• Speak up—Say what you think.  If you mate says something you agree with, let him/her know, but also speak up if you disagree with something your spouse says.  You and your mate cannot read each other’s minds, and silence can be incorrectly interpreted as agreement or disagreement.  So, don’t leave it open for your mate to assume you mean, think, or feel something that you do not.  But remember, when you speak up, always speak in love (and always be mindful of your tone of voice).
• Speak for yourself only—Don’t presume you can answer for your mate.  Resist the temptation to say things like, “Oh, I know how you’ll answer that question,” or “It’s obvious that you think…”  Speak for yourself only.
• Be specific—If you only talk in generalities, you will tend to have lots of good intentions, but no real direction or solutions.  Also, avoid simple “yes” and “no” answers, or short answers that don’t really tell your mate anything.
• Ask clarifying questions—Take the time to ask if you don’t fully understand something your mate has shared with you.  Again, you cannot read your spouse’s mind, so make sure you truly understand what he/she is trying to communicate to you.
• Resist the impulse to lecture or give unwanted advice—Some people communicate from a “fix it” stand point (that is, they want to be problem solvers for their mate) and others communicate from a “vent it” stand point (that is, they know what to do, but they just want to share with their spouse).  Too much “fix it” can shut down communication, and too much “vent it” never leads to positive, marriage-improving action.  Share and find workable goals and solutions together.
• Don’t assume motivation—Unless it is clearly stated, you cannot presume to know someone’s motivation, or his/her thought process that led him/her to make a specific statement.
• Remember you are one flesh, not competitors—If some of your conversations involve different points of view, remember that you are covenant marriage partners, not bitter rivals.  Regrettably, in communication, some spouses are more determined to win the argument than they are to do what is best for the marriage.  Make sure you see your conversations as cooperative not competitive.

     Above all else, remember to practice your Christian life first and foremost at home with your spouse.  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29) The art of healthy communication is to keep your conversation centered in Christ, always mindful of the relationship.  The discipline of healthy communication is to not become apathetic or lazy or jaded and let your communication die, because without communication, the relationship will die.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

Please Hear Me! The 4th Axiom of Marriage

     It hurts to be ignored.  To be dismissed.  To be disregarded.  Within all of us, there is a deep-seated need to feel heard.  When we feel heard, we know we matter.  When we do not feel heard, we feel rejected, discounted, as if we do not matter.  This is true of all relationships, and especially true in marriage.

     The 4th axiom of marriage is “We all have an innate need to feel heard.  When you have a voice, you have value.” In marriage, it is critical to let your spouse know he/she has a meaningful say in your relationship.  Healthy, respectful communication requires the courage and humility to realize and acknowledge that—whether it is what you want to hear or not—your spouse has worthwhile input.

     The problem for most, however, is the false belief that if someone does not agree with me, they have not heard me.  When someone cultivates that erroneous thinking, he/she will go to one of two extremes.  On the one side, you will repeat the same thing over and over, believing your mate is simply choosing to ignore you.  Or you might attempt to present your beliefs from various angles (though usually it is just rehashing the exact same thing).  Some immediately divert to yelling.  (I’ve never understood why anyone would believe their spouse would say, “You know, when you were speaking quietly and respectfully I thought you were wrong, but now that your screaming at me, I can see how right you are.”)  Whatever the method, it becomes an endless tirade of sameness as communication degrades into questioning the other person’s love, or his/her intelligence (after all wouldn’t an intelligent person agree with me?), or questioning his/her spiritual nature.

     On the other extreme, a person may shut down communication if his/her spouse disagrees.  “Why continue talking if my mate refuses to listen,” is a common thought process.  Once communication is shut down, isolation grows deeper and deeper, and animosity and hard-heartedness toward one’s mate increases.

     Regardless of the response, communication is destroyed.  Blame, anger, disappointment, and other negative feelings quickly surfaces.  If you’re goal in communication is to make sure that your spouse believes and understands everything exactly as you do, then you are not participating in a marriage relationship—you are simply seeking to control another individual.

     So what do we do?  Even in disagreement, lovingly, gently, and respectfully acknowledge that you really, truly have heard your mate and you are aware of his/her feelings and emotions.  Accept that you are not always right, and even if you are right, your mate may need to come to the same place in a different way or at a different time.  Recognize that you have changed over time—you have not always believed everything you now believe or thought about everything exactly like you think now.  And most significantly, reaffirm your love for your spouse and your commitment to the marriage.  Pray together and seek Christ’s will and especially Christ’s peace in your life.  Remember, you are one flesh, so listen and respond to your mate in the same way you would want someone to listen to and respond to you—EVEN IN DISAGREEMENT.

     We all have an innate need to be heard.  Actively listening to and hearing your mate is critical to a healthy marriage.  But don’t shut your mate out just because he/she doesn’t always see everything exactly like you do.  God made us unique for a reason.  Use you and your mate’s uniqueness to help each other grow and mature.  And above all else, listen.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3rd Axiom of Marriage: Your perception will become your reality

     When you look at your mate, are you more likely to think about his/her flaws, short-comings, and imperfections?  Or does your covenant partner bring a smile to your face and immediately fill your heart with thoughts of kind deeds, encouraging words, and joyful times spent together? The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage is “Guard your heart and mind, because your perception will become your reality.” So the real question is what perception do you bring to your marriage?

     Please understand that I am not naïve in asking this question. Just because you want to see rainbows and butterflies, that doesn't mean it's going to happen and that you will have a fairy tale marriage. Maintaining any relationship in a healthy and productive way is going to be a challenge, and because marriage is so intimate it can be especially challenging. (If a marriage relationship doesn't present any challenges, it is very likely that one partner is being repressed in some way.) But, we tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies. If you consistently focus on the things that can disrupt and destroy your marriage eventually that’s all you will see.  Those negative things will dominate and define your marriage.

     But you can also choose to see your marriage as a place that your love for God is lived out in your relationship with your spouse. You can focus on the promises of your covenant relationship, the times you laugh together and find joy in each other, and the all the other good things within your marriage relationship (no matter how big or small). You can continually see marriage as a place of blessing and experiencing the goodness of God. Then that outlook will become your default view for your relationship and for your mate.

     Guarding your heart and mind means that you are constantly checking your perspective.  Is Christ at the center of who you are as a couple?  Are you letting selfishness define the relationship?  Do you cherish your mate?  Do you freely give and receive forgiveness?  Do you look for ways to serve your spouse?  Do you guard what you allow yourself to see and hear?  It is not a matter of a living in fear of messing up, but rather making the choices that allow you to live in the freedom to love and be loved.

     Having a positive perception of your marriage and of your mate is not a cure for problems in your relationship, and it is not an excuse to overlook or minimize issues that need to be dealt with. It is, however, a powerful barometer of the path you are setting for the future of your marriage relationship.  Guard your heart and mind, because your perception will become your reality.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2nd Axiom of Marriage: We All Have Baggage

     There is no truer saying in the world than “When you marry someone, you marry his/her whole family.”  It doesn’t matter if your family was close or distant, if you get together every holiday or rarely see each other, or even if you love your family to excess or want nothing to do with your family ever again.  Your family is a part of who you are.  The things you say, the things you do, the way you think, what you believe, the way you treat people, your emotional responses—it is all influenced in some way by family.

     The second axiom of marriage says—You have baggage and your spouse has baggage, and you both bring that into the marriage.  A person’s experience of family often sets a deeply ingrained “default” in how we experience relationships.  While a multitude of things can contribute to our behaviors, it is essential that you look at your family of origin because the environment you grew up in—the family structure that (at least subconsciously) taught you what it means to be family—is always at work in your life.  It is virtually impossible to fully escape the influence of your family of origin.

     So, whether you are contemplating marriage, or have been married for over fifty years, it is incredible important to understand and be honest about your perception of the family you came from because you will do one of two things.  Either you will repeat what you’ve experienced or you will rebel against what you’ve experienced; and either one of those responses can be good or bad depending on what you are repeating or rebelling against.  To improve your own marriage, you can rebel against a bad behavior you saw modeled by one of your parents.  By the same token, you can repeat a pattern that has left generations of marriages in your family dysfunctional.  You must choose what you will do, but if you want to choose a path to a healthy, godly marriage you must be honest about the “family baggage” you are bringing into your own marriage.

     And amazingly, when we look at our family of origin, two things happen (and sometimes, paradoxically, they happen simultaneously).  First, we believe that our family experience is normative.  And second, we believe that our experience is entirely unique and no one else has ever experienced what we experienced.  As ironic as it sounds, it is not uncommon for someone who grew up with parents who yelled all the time to expect that is how families communicate (whether he wants that for his own marriage or not).  But at the same time, he might still say, “You just don’t understand.  You can’t know what it was like growing up with him as a father!”  We believe our situations to be completely unique, but we often have no other context from which to interpret other relationships, including our own marriages.

     So how do we process this?  First, be receptive to your spouse’s input.  Your spouse can recognize patterns which originate from your family that you might not recognize yourself.  Assuming that your mate is motivated by God's love and not by selfishness, he or she can help you identify behaviors that need to be maintained and behaviors that need to be eliminated for your marriage to be healthy.  Second, understand how incredibly difficult it really is to change an ingrained behavior, so continually practice forgiveness and grace and humility with your mate.  And third, never forget that in Christ, God can still work through us in spite of our messed up families to fulfill his divine purpose.  Just look at how screwed up Abraham’s family was, yet he is “the father of the faithful,” or David’s family, yet he was still “a man after God’s own heart.”

     We all have baggage, and we all bring that into our marriages.  But, in Christ, you can become, not just settle to be; and wouldn’t that make for an increasingly better marriage.

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To see all of the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To see a more detailed explanation of the first axiom of marriage, “At its heart, marriage is a theological relationship,”click here.

The 1st Axiom of Marriage: It's All About God!

     Healthy marriage is not a sociological or psychological pursuit.  At its heart it is a theological relationship.  Let me say that again.  Healthy marriage is not a sociological or psychological pursuit.  At its heart it is a theological relationship.

     Certainly sociology and psychology play a part in marriage.  They play a part in every human relationship.  It is legitimate to ask questions like, “How should I proceed in this relationship?  How does this benefit me? How does it harm me? What is my spouse’s role in this?”  But ultimately psychology-based or sociology-based models for marriage are individual-centric pursuits that, if left unchecked, will eventually lead toward a destructive, self-centered existence.  The questions then are no longer about my personal well-being for the sake of the relationship as a whole, but rather my personal well-being for the sake of my personal gratification.  The god of “self” rears its ugly head and everything in the relationship becomes about pleasing me, even at the expense of my mate.  The shared covenant relationship of Christian marriage is replaced by a parasitic relationship that seeks to use and devour the other partner, eventually killing the relationship.

     But healthy marriage is at its heart a theological pursuit.  All that simply means is Christian marriage should be centered in God and lived out in a way that points other toward God.  Marriage defined by God has both purpose and boundaries that bless the couple.  In God, marriage is a shared ministry that moves a couple’s focus beyond selfish interests and leads them to seek ways to actively bless each other as they participate together in the Kingdom of God.  The exact shape that takes will certainly differ from couple to couple, and will likely change multiple times throughout a couple’s lifetime.  But the common element is a shared purpose that is centered in God, allows the couple to look outside of just themselves, and ultimately points the world back toward God.

     In Genesis 2, the man and the woman are described as “one flesh.” Obviously, we live in a post-Garden-of-Eden world.  The Edenic paradise no longer exists.  The isolation and brokenness of this world is ever-present in all of our relationships, including (and often especially) marriage.  But through Christ, God still calls couples to a covenant relationship between husband, wife, and God.  God still calls spouses to find a purpose greater than selfish personal gratification.  God still provides boundaries for healthy marriage.  Only in Christ can spouses find a holy covenant relationship rather than the relationship-destroying parasite of selfishness.  At its heart, healthy Christian marriage is always a theological relationship.

Safe Marriage

     Safety is essential for healthy relationships. You can't thrive in a marriage unless both partners feel safe. The 10 Axioms of Marriage is a starting point from which couples can build real safety.  An axiom, if you're not familiar with the term, is a foundational truth, a place to be safe, to grow, to find strong roots that can withstand a storm.  I believe that if couples commit to knowing and understanding these 10 axioms, it will bless their marriage relationships, help center their marriages in Christ, and help them to see marriage as a powerful calling in the Kingdom of God .  The 10 Axioms of Marriage are:

1. At its heart, marriage is a theological relationship.
2. You have baggage and your spouse has baggage, and you both bring that into the marriage.
3. Guard your heart and mind, because your perception will become your reality.
4. We all have an innate need to feel heard.  When you have a voice, you have value.
5. Without communication, a relationship will die.
6. Conflict is not abnormal and does not have to be destructive to a marriage.
7. Controlling a healthy environment (this is NOT the same as trying to control your mate) is the best way to manage conflict.
8. God created sex and sex is good, but it is only a part of a holistic intimacy that also involves emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, social intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and non-sexual forms of physical intimacy.
9. Your resources always flow to your priorities.  Where you spend your time and your money indicates where your priorities lie within a marriage.
10. In marriage, THINGS WILL CHANGE, and your relationship will be dependent on how you and your spouse navigate changes.

Which of these axioms do you most relate to?  Which are you and your spouse doing well with?  Which are you struggling with?

     No two marriages are exactly alike, and context always determines how these axioms are experienced and lived out in a covenant Christian marriage relationship.  But these axioms are the structural skeleton —a necessary starting point— for deeper conversation and understanding with your mate.

     Over the next few days, I will expand on The 10 Axioms of Marriage and give some context to those 10 statements, but I would be interested in hearing, what are the axioms by which you and your spouse live? And more importantly, is what you're currently living by the axioms you want to define your marriage?