What do I have to be thankful for?

     “What do I have to be thankful for?”  It is easy to come up with cliché reasons to be thankful, and I believe there really is a place for recognizing the often-overlooked, simple blessings of life in general, and the blessings of marriage in particular.  But the reality is we live in a fallen world.  Sometimes life doesn’t go at all like we want or expect.  Sometimes life hurts—either through our circumstances or through our relationships.  And marriage is certainly not immune to this reality.

     So, how do you find a place of thanksgiving if your year has been punctuated with pain?  How are you thankful when you’ve lost your job unjustly?  How do you celebrate when you and your spouse have had serious, marriage-threatening conflict?  How do you praise God when you’re worrying about your children?  Where is the joy when someone you love won’t be sitting at the Thanksgiving table for the first time…or the twentieth time?  How do you go through another year defined by strife, or arguing, or loss—a year filled with things that stands against what a family holiday is supposed to be?

     There is no easy answer.  No magic bullet that will make all the pain and confusion go away.  But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t hope.  As you observe Thanksgiving this year, consider the following:

• Let Thanksgiving be a time-out to rest.  You might not be able to fix your problems, but be intentional about setting them aside at least for a day.
• If your pain is not due to an issue with your spouse, don’t shut your spouse out.  Let him/her be a safe harbor for you as you process whatever is plaguing you.  Remember, if you are hurting or stressed, it’s very likely your spouse is too, and he/she needs you just as much as you need him/her.
• If your pain is due to an issue with your spouse, begin the journey toward forgiveness.  Forgiveness isn’t easy, and restoration of trust takes time, but let Thanksgiving Day be the day you make the first move in that direction.
• Set your mind on things above.  Seek God in your current circumstances.  What is he teaching you about yourself?  About how you relate to your spouse and others?  Most significantly, where is your relationship with him?  How can you love God and love your neighbor (and remember, your spouse is always your closest most intimate neighbor)?  How can you treat others the way you want to be treated?
• And finally, if you are in a healthy, blessed place, be sure to pay attention to those who are not.  It is easy to overlook those who are hurting when we are not.  Use your marriage to bring goodness into someone else's life.

     I pray that you are in a blessed and joyful place personally, in your marriage, and in your life.  If not, I pray that you will find clarity, discernment, humility, reconciliation, or whatever it is that you need so that your marriage will be blessed as we move through the holidays.  No matter what your Thanksgiving will look like, be thankful.  God is still on his throne ruling, and he always loves you.  What do you have to be thankful for?  A whole lot more than you might be able to clearly see right now.

_____________________

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Turn off the commentary...

     You don’t have to say everything you think.  I am certainly not advocating keeping secrets or not sharing your feelings with your spouse.  But in our world of instantaneous communication, soundbites, and rapid-fire social media, we have been trained to believe that we have the right to comment on everything.  Some people are even under the delusion that it is not only their right, but it is their obligation to tell other people what they think...about everything!

     In marriage, there is an important balance.  Without communication, a relationship will die.  So it is critical that husbands and wives share what they are thinking and feeling with each other.  But does that mean that we have to verbally express every thought? 

     Here are some thoughts on how to determine if you are participating in conversation or just providing commentary:

• If you have an incessant need to get the last word.  Sometimes conversations don’t end because one spouse feels unheard, and is trying desperately to get the other’s attention.  But sometimes the desire for the last word is born from a self-centered, self-importance that assumes you deserve to have the final authority on all matters.
• You operate under the false assumption that the only way someone hears you is if they agree with you.  Spouses can (and at times should) disagree.  Having our beliefs and worldviews challenged is how we grow and mature.  Noisy commentary comes when we feel threatened by a different perspective, so we keep pounding the same points over and over.
• While humor is important in any relationship, an unending stream of sarcasm or flippant comments can indicate that the commentary needs to be muted.  This is particularly true if the commentary is beginning to hurt your spouse’s feelings, or make him/her feel unappreciated or demeaned in any way.

     Conversation is necessary, but not all commentary is beneficial.  To achieve the balance, acknowledge to each other how you best communicate.  In many relationships, one spouse may be more verbal than the other.  There are also some people who process decisions and circumstances by talking through it out loud.  If you mate knows how you communicate, it is easier to understand each other and discern between information that gives life and health to the relationship and noisy chatter.

     And most importantly, make sure your communication is speaking blessing into each other’s lives, and centering you and your relationship on Christ.

     Remember, without communication a relationship will die.  But sometimes we can say so much more, by saying less.

The positives list

     One of the most important things a couple can do is to keep a running list of positive interactions with their spouse and positive behaviors that they see in their spouse.  I’m not necessarily talking about monumental things like “We won the lottery,” or “We just had five straight days of mind-blowing sex,” (although those should both make the list).  Rather, I am referring to the daily things that make life good; the things that remind you of God’s presence in your covenant marriage relationship.  It might be things like “He put a sweet note in my lunch bag,” or “She saw that I was stressed and knew just what to say,” or “He prayed with me today,” or “She kept me laughing all night long.”

     You see, there is an inescapable principle in marriage.  Your perception will always become your reality.  If you see your marriage as a place of tension, or frustration, or sadness, you will look for things that reinforce that perception, and that perception will become the reality of your day-to-day life.  But if you see your marriage as a place of safety, and blessing, and goodness, and love, then you will notice the things that reinforce that perception, and that perception will become your daily reality.

     Our perceptions are always fueled by the messages we tell ourselves internally, and that we receive externally.  When you regularly speak blessings, and encouragement, and gratitude into your mate’s life, you shape his/her perception of the entire marriage.  And, the more positive the external messages from one’s spouse, the more likely that person is to tell herself/ himself positive messages internally about the relationship.  Hence, the power of a positives list.

     When keeping a positives list, write it down.  Whether pen-to-paper or typed into your phone, it becomes so much more concrete when you write it down, than if you try to keep up with a list in your head.

     Then, sit down with your spouse without distractions at least once a week and share the good you’ve seen in each other.  The positives list doesn’t mean much if it’s not shared with the one you love.  (Remember though, it is not a competition.  If she comes up with twenty-five things, but he only comes up with seven, that’s okay.  Appreciate the goodness you are speaking into each other’s lives.)

     If you and your spouse make a positives list a regular part of your week, you will see two powerful things happen.  First, when conflict does occur, you will have an anchor point to come back to, to keep your marriage rooted in the positive interactions.  And second, you will be able to more easily separate a negative incident from who you truly are as a couple.  An argument is something that happened, but the positive things you see in each other is who you are.

     Take the challenge, and for the next month, keep a positives list.  See how those messages shape your perception and shape your reality as husband and wife.

A dozen ways to bless your mate...

1. Figure out one specific thing that he/she needs in order to
   
   feel like he/she is the priority in your life.
2. Send a card, or text, or make a call to an in-law to let your mate’s family know how much your mate blesses your life.
3. Share information about your day without having to be prodded or asked.
4. Give a sincere compliment.
5. Take care of a chore your spouse normally does.
6. Let your spouse hear you praying for something specific that is important to her/him.
7. Ask his/her opinion about something, and really listen.
8. Be still long enough to hold each other for a moment.
9. Share something funny.
10. Lay aside all technology for an evening focused solely on each other.
11. Initiate an activity your mate enjoys doing, even if you don’t.
12. Pray for God to change you, especially during times of conflict.

Basic training...

     Any good coach knows that in any sport you must master

the basics before you can move on to more advanced skills.  And it is not simply a matter of learning the fundamental skills once and then moving on.  The basic skills have to be practiced over and over until they are an automatic mental and physical response.  A coach also knows that even the most accomplished players have to constantly go back to the basics, reviewing and reminding themselves, because those basic skills are foundational to everything else that is built upon them.  If the basic skills begin to lapse, everything else will crumble around them.

     In marriage, the same thing applies. If we do not continually remind ourselves of the basic things that lead to healthy, godly relationships, then the relationship will suffer. Sometimes we just need to be reminded about:

• clear, encouraging communication
• constructive ways of handling conflict
• forgiveness
• the importance of being playful and having fun together
• being selfless rather than selfish toward our spouses
• the necessity of proactively avoiding temptations and being aware of the devil’s schemes to disrupt your marriage covenant
• building real, lasting intimacy
• and most importantly, making marriage a powerful witness to the goodness of God

Remember, if the basic components of a godly, healthy marriage are neglected, then the relationship can’t progress toward God’s calling for you and your spouse.

     What are some of the basics that you need to be revisiting to improve your relationship with your mate?