Marriage and Holy Week: Cleaning House

     God’s temple stood as a symbol of hope and healing for the nations.  A place that beckoned everyone to come to know God.  A place of worship and community, forgiveness and grace.

     It was Monday. As Jesus walked past the temple, he knew what it was supposed to be.  He saw what it had become; a marketplace.  A place to make a profit off of those least likely to be able to afford it.  A shortcut from one side of the city to the other.  A place to live in an existence cut off from God while in the shadow of God’s temple.  In short, it had become a mockery of what it was supposed to be.  The sacrifices still went on, the priest still did their duties, and the ritual was in place, but the people and things surrounding the temple had lost their way.  The bright light of the temple was dulled and tarnished.  And Jesus couldn’t take it any longer.

     Zeal for the Lord’s temple consumed Jesus, and Jesus cleaned house.  He turned over the money-changers’ tables, drove out those selling animals and profiting off of visitors, and cracked a whip at those who couldn’t see God even though God’s Mercy Seat was just yards away.  For the holy to abide, the clutter could not reside.

     Marriage is a holy, covenant union.  Christian marriage is meant to be something more than just two people living together and generally getting along.  It is meant to be a light, a symbol, something that calls others to God.  Within their relationship, a husband and wife and how they treat each other, are to show God’s love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, and goodness to the world.

     But if we’re not careful our marriages can become tainted—cluttered with distractions, short cuts, and selfishness, rather than glowing with the light of God’s presence.

     Often, the distractions are not something a couple intends, but life happens.  Work picks up, children’s schedules run rampant, distractions fill our world, and it becomes easier to take care of one’s self than to tend to your spouse.

     If left to its own ends, the distractions and lack of proper focus will eventually create distance between husband and wife.  Communication will break down, emotions will run too hot or too cold, and the marriage will take a back seat to “what I want” and “what I need.”

     When that happens, it’s time for a house cleaning.  It’s time to get radical, to get zealous for your marriage, and to get rid of the clutter that is keeping your marriage from fulfilling its Kingdom-purpose.  Whether it is something you have to do individually (listening better, being more helpful around the house, cutting out pornography or other addictive behaviors, becoming financially responsible, or whatever else), or whether it is something you have to do as a couple (start praying together again, surrender yourselves to each other, allow yourself to be transparent and authentic, talk more, be friends again, put the marriage before other relationships (including other family), etc.), clean house so that your marriage will continually point you and others toward Christ.

Marriage and Holy Week: Celebrate!

          It was Sunday—the beginning of a week-long celebration leading up to Passover.  Anticipation was high.  As Jesus entered Jerusalem, people lined the streets.  Shouts of “Hosanna!” rang out.  Palm branches and coats covered the road way.  When detractors tried to shut it down, they were told that nothing will stop the anticipation and the celebration—and if they try, the stones will cry out in praise.

     Anticipation is a powerful force.  Do you remember the giddy, excited feeling you would get as a child waiting for the Easter Bunny to come visit?  Or looking forward to a birthday party, or finally getting your driver’s license?  Do you remember the anticipation you felt as your wedding date drew nearer?  Maybe you have felt the excitement of a spouse returning from a tour of duty overseas, or signs of improvement after a long illness.  Big or small, anticipation can be a powerful, positive driving force in a relationship.  And anticipation often leads to celebration.

     Relationships aren’t perfect.  Sometimes, when there is conflict in the past or difficulty on the horizon, it is tough to find joy in anticipation and celebrate the goodness of the present.  But every couple needs times of celebration in their marriage.  In spite of the good feelings of the moment and the powerful accolades from the crowd, Jesus wasn’t oblivious to the fact that his week would take him to the cross.  But that was Friday, and on Sunday he lived in the moment and relished the celebration going on around him.  He saw God’s presence, and he saw how his participation blessed others. 

     I don’t know what’s going on in your marriage.  I sincerely hope you are enjoying a season of peace and goodness.  But even if you are not, look for the positive moments you can celebrate with your spouse.  Celebrate the good things, no matter how short-lived or how long, that remind you of your covenant love for each other.  Celebrate because darker days may be ahead, but so is hope.

Ground Hog's Day and Marriage...

    Well, Punxsutawney Phil, the nation’s unofficial official groundhog, has made his appearance for 2019. The ultimate question that he has to answer every year is, “Is winter almost over, or is there more bad weather to come?”  Now, if you live in a climate that is warm year round, then you probably don’t care.  But if you live in a place that has been slammed by snow and ice, you’re probably looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.  You’ve survived, but you are tired, isolated, and ready for something better.

     Have you ever been at that point in your marriage?  Marriage is always a challenge, because you are bringing together two imperfect people who will make mistakes from time to time.  Any marriage will have times of joy, excitement, and life, but it will also have times of sadness, stress, and lifeless broken-heartedness.  When we are walking through the dark valleys of pain and loneliness, we want to know when it will finally be over and we will see the sun again.  “The car repair will cost how much?”  “Are you sure that is the diagnosis?”  “Our child was caught doing what?”  “My job is being ‘phased out’ how soon?”  “How much longer does my sister have?”  “Why is our church in such an uproar?”  “Where will we find the time to take care of that?”

     When the days come, and your marriage feels the strain of your seemingly never ending "winter of discontent," here are a few things that can make the long nights easier.

     First, do your best to maintain a healthy environment for your marriage.  Encourage each other.  Show gratitude.  Give compliments. As you are able, take on tasks the other one normally does.  Speak your love and show your love, even if the emotion is not present at the moment.  This is not always easy, especially if you feel like lately all you do is argue, but it is so important during these times to do everything you can to cultivate a good environment.

     Second, pray together often.  Pray during times of conflict.  Pray honestly.  Pray humbly.  Give God thanks as much as you pray for things you need.  Pray for each other.  Especially pray with each other.

     Third, don’t isolate yourself.  It is easy to feel alone during stressful times.  Sometimes a spouse doesn’t know what to say to his/her mate, but the mistake we make is withdrawing if we don’t know what to say.  If you mate is hurting, just be present for him/her.  One of the greatest blessings of marriage is that you have someone to walk with you through the dark valley. 

     Fourth, forgive.  Your spouse will make mistakes, but you will too.  If you both keep score of offenses, you will be locked in a downward spiral.  Failure to forgive is poison to a marriage relationship.

     Fifth, find hope.  During stressful times, it is easy to see everything through a dark filter.  Celebrate every victory, no matter how seemingly insignificant, and keep your hope alive.  If a dark shadow is hovering over your relationship, look for any place that a sunbeam can break through.  Our perception becomes our reality, and hope creates a positive perspective that will help a couple survive.

     In case you didn’t hear, Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow this morning.  If you believe large rodents can predict the weather, we are in for an early spring.  Spring is coming! Even if the shadows of your current circumstances mean prolonged or even permanent changes in your relationship, find your hope in God and your strength in each other.  Spring is just around the corner.

A Valentine's Day gift the keeps on giving...

     Valentine’s Day is fast approaching.  I want to share a suggestion for a gift for your spouse that won’t cost you much and can keep on giving for weeks, months, and even years beyond the holiday.  (This isn’t just tied to Valentine’s Day.  It can be done anytime of the year.)

     First, make a list of one hundred things you love about your spouse.  Yes, one hundred.  They can be big things, little things, daily things, special things, intimate things, ways your spouse blesses your life—whatever you can think of.  Just be specific so that there's no question about what you're referring to and why that reason makes you love your spouse more.

     Then, buy 100 blank business cards and a business card holder that can hold 100 cards.  You can get these supplies at Wal-Mart, Target, or any office supply store, and your total investment should be about $20 or less.

     Next, print the reasons you love your spouse on the cards, one reason per card, and be sure to number the cards 1 of 100, 2 of 100, etc.

     Then, hide all of the cards (except the first one) around the house in places that match the reason you’re stating for loving your spouse.  For instance, if you have a card that says, “I love you because you always fix great meals,” you could put that card in the pantry.

If you have a card that says, “I love you because you’re a great kisser,” you might place that card where she keeps her lipstick

If you have a card that says, “I love you because I always have clean clothes,” you could leave that one with the laundry supplies.

Or if you have a card that says, “I love you because you always pray with me,” you might tuck that card in his Bible. 

And where you hide the cards can be as creative as under the pillow, to your mate's underwear drawer, to the steering wheel of his/her car, to the bathroom mirror, to taping it to the ceiling above your spouse's spot in the bed.  You get the idea.

     Finally, give your spouse the card holder with the first card already in it.  Let your spouse know you really love him/her and that over the next several days or weeks (or however long it takes) he/she will be reminded of those reasons as new cards are discovered.  (The “x of 100” numbering on the cards will let your spouse know how many total cards he/she is looking for, and help track how many cards are still out there to be discovered.)  Eventually, your mate will have a card holder full of expressions of your love for him/her.  This will be something your spouse can continually go back to, to remind him/her of your adoration and your commitment to your marriage covenant. 

     Encouragement is a powerful tool for keeping a marriage strong and keeping intimacy alive.  For just a couple of hours of time and effort, you can say something positive to your mate for years to come.

Fight the Fizzle...

Something interesting happens at the YMCA for the first couple of weeks of January every year.  Every year in January, a whole bunch of new faces show up at the Y; people who’ve made it their new year’s resolution to lose weight, or get fit, or whatever.  These folks come in gung ho, ready to change their lives for the better.

     And then, it gets to about this time in January.  At the end of the month, the majority of those new faces are gone.  The determination has waned, the sacrifice necessary for change has proved too painful, or too inconvenient, or too costly.  So, they quit.  They fizzle out.

     Many promise themselves they will start up again soon.  They may even show up for an hour every couple of weeks, and then every month, and then every three months, and then…nothing.  For whatever reason, the end result that they dreamed of obtaining is no longer worth the journey it will take to get there.

     Did you and your spouse make resolutions together for your marriage for the new year (and together is the key word here!)?  Did you decide on things that you can do to bring you closer to each other as you draw nearer to God?  Did you talk about what your joint ministry and mission will be for 2019?  Did you talk about what you need to do as a couple to bring hope and encouragement to each other, to make each other feel safe, to bless each other’s lives, and to center your marriage in Christ?  If not, start those conversations now.

     If you have started doing these things, be on your guard against fizzling out.  There will always be excuses to not do something.

“There’s not enough time.”

“I’m too tired.”

“Is my spouse really noticing anyway?”

“I’m not really seeing any benefit in doing this.”

“It’s just a little break.  I'm sure I'll get back to it soon.” 

The devil will provide ample excuses to quit.  Don’t let him draw you away from your resolve to use your marriage to bless each other and to work together in the Kingdom of God.  We all get tired.  We all ask questions.  We all have set backs.  And from time to time, we all want to quit.  But when those times come, fight through the fizzle.

     You might not always be able to see it in the moment, but the end result is worth the cost of the journey.

Shout it from the mountaintops!

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

     Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” 

     So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 

     In this brief passage from Luke 2:8-18, the single most important announcement in history is delivered—in the person of Jesus Christ, God has come into the world!  The shepherds receive the good news and are told specifically what signs to look for as they search out God among us.

     Although we are not heavenly beings like the angels on high, in Christian marriage, we are called by God to carry the same commission—to announce the presence of God in the world.  While we do not announce the birth of a baby, we do announce the presence of a King.  And just as the angels told the shepherds what to look for, there are definitive signs that will validate our announcement.

     When you love your spouse, when you seek his/her well-being above your own, when you forgive, when you speak words of blessing and encouragement into your mate’s life, when you provide a place of safety and goodness, when grace and mercy flow freely, when God reigns in your hearts and in your home, when you live out your faith first-and-foremost with your spouse—in those moments, you loudly and powerfully proclaim that Jesus Christ, the Lord and Messiah, has come into this world and is living among us.

     Please, let your marriage “shout it from the mountaintops” —the good news that will cause great joy for all the people—Jesus is here.

Change is coming! The 10th Axiom of Marriage

     Aren’t you glad that you and your spouse are exactly like you were when you married.  Isn’t it great that you still both look exactly the same, think exactly the same, act and react exactly the same, and that life hasn’t thrown you any circumstances that have radically reoriented your marriage relationship.  I sure am glad that is the case for Lisa and me.

     Obviously, I’m being a bit facetious and sarcastic.  Whether you’ve been married less than a month or over 60 years, as you and your covenant lover go through life together, the only guarantee that you have is the 10^th Axiom of Marriage: In marriage, THINGS WILL CHANGE, and your relationship will be dependent on how you and your spouse navigate changes.  Everything—physical health, communication, intimacy, family relationships, (possibly) mental health, social relationships, spirituality—will change.  Sometimes change comes slowly and sometimes change comes quickly.  However it happens, you have to expect change.

     The key question is how will you respond when change happens?  Remember, no matter what stage you are at in your marriage, Satan will always be working to destroy your covenant relationship, either through neglect or through more aggressive means.  When your spouse doesn’t look like she used to, do you begin comparing her unfavorably to others?  When your sex life changes, do you seek intimate connections elsewhere?  When your mate’s spiritual beliefs change, do you condemn him or recognize that you are both on a spiritual journey and he may be at a different place?  When age or illness causes physical disabilities, do you see helping her as a burden or as a blessing?  When he has a hard time relating to your adult children, do you talk negatively about him in front of the kids, or help him through that difficult transition?  Remember, Satan is always looking for changes in your marriage relationship that can be exploited to drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

     Obviously, every couple is different and is living out their own unique story.  However, here are some general thoughts for navigating change:

• Keep your relationship anchored in Christ.  It is always easy to let your marriage become directed by the world, but your love for God is always evidenced by how you love your spouse.  Pray with each other always.
• Remind yourself of your marriage covenant on a regular basis.  Whether it’s re-watching your marriage video, renewing your vows, or just reflecting daily on the blessings your spouse brings to your life, continually reinforce a positive perspective of your marriage relationship.
• Express your love both in word and in deed often.  Your mate needs to hear and see your love on a regular basis so that there is never any doubt in his/her mind.
• How you communicate might change, but don’t let communication die or the relationship will die with it.  Without communication spouses become isolated and lose connection with each other.  Healthy, regular communication is necessary for any relationship to work.
• Consistently revisit your expectations (personally, for each other, and for the marriage).  Do this especially when changes occur.  When life takes you in a different direction, it is too easy to assume your mate will know what you think, feel, or need, and then to become upset or offended when he/she doesn’t respond accordingly.
• Handle conflict in a timely manner.  If conflict is not addressed, walls will build up between you and your spouse.
•  Practice forgiveness on an ongoing basis.  Forgive your mate and forgive yourself.  Don’t let the poisonous root of anger, resentment, and guilt kill your marriage.
• Continually guard each other’s hearts and minds.  Proverbs 4:23 reminds us that it is the well-spring of life; your own personal spiritual life and the life of your marriage.
• How you express intimacy may have to change, but don’t let intimacy slip away.  Showing intimacy—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and spiritually—is always necessary for a healthy connection.
• Recognize the power and necessity of acceptance.  Your spouse won’t always look the same.  Your spouse may not always think about things exactly the same.  You may face changes in your family structure.  When changes occur, it is critical to let your spouse know that you accept him/her for who he/she is. To bemoan what you cannot change is hurtful to your spouse and negatively impacts your marriage.
• Constantly check where you are spending your time and your resources because that is what you value.  Your resources always flow to your priorities, so at every stage, with every significant change, verify what is really important to you.
• Don’t wait until the elusive “later” to enjoy your time and do things with your mate.  It is always easy to wait for “a more convenient time,” but tomorrow doesn’t always come.  Live within your means, but don’t live with regrets over the simple pleasures in life that you were too busy to enjoy.
• Play together and laugh together often.  Few things can connect you to your mate as intimately and powerfully as playing together.  And, when the uncertainty of change looms darkly on the horizon, shared play and laughter can alleviate anxiety and worry better than anything else.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  There is no shame in needing help.  When different experiences of life present problems you’ve never encountered before, seek the counsel of other godly couples who have walked that road ahead of you.
• And most importantly, use your marriage in God’s kingdom at every step.  The list of ways you can use your marriage to serve God’s Kingdom is endless.  And what you are able to do at one stage of life might be different from what you are able to do at another.  Just be intentional to do something together to serve God’s Kingdom at every step of the way.

     Change is often confusing and trying.  We are resistant to change because it is frequently accompanied by the unknown, and that can be scary.  The blessed promise of a Christ-centered marriage is that God has given us someone with whom we can face the challenges of life.  Whether we are singing praises to God on a mountain top or walking through the valley of the shadow of death, we know God is with us because our spouse is with us.

     Together, embrace the joys and blessings that come with each stage of life.  Together, love each other through the hardships and pain.  Together, use your marriage powerfully in God’s Kingdom.  Be the very presence of Christ for your mate in every way possible—in love, in forgiveness, in grace, in mercy, in selflessness, and in goodness.  When you do that, change will still happen…but it will be a whole lot less disorienting.

_________________________

To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 8^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 9^th Axiom of Marriage, click here