What comes out when you get squeezed?

     There is a crisis of integrity in our culture.  You don’t have to look too far to see a politicians lying to his constituents, a CEO misrepresenting her company’s profitability, or an employee fudging his hours worked on a time card.  It happens all around us—everything from cheating a store that gives too much change to encouraging a friend to do something dishonest to lying to a person in a position of authority.

     Sadly, the lack of integrity is not just relegated to people who are blatantly dishonest and worldly.  There is also a crisis of integrity among people who claim to be Christians, and certainly there can be a lack of integrity in Christian marriages.

     Integrity is an essential part of any godly, healthy relationship.  If you cannot trust your mate, you cannot communicate effectively, resolve conflict, share intimacy, grow spiritually, or otherwise progress as a couple.

     Secrets and lies that can compromise integrity in a marriage can range from manipulating money (secret credit cards, undisclosed debt, secretly keeping back part of a paycheck), to hidden addictions (shopaholic, pornography, alcohol and/or drugs), to being flirtatious with a co-worker, to a full blown affair (emotional or physical), to any number of other deceptions.

     Someone will be quick to say, "I know better than anyone how imperfect and sinful I am.  After all, we all mess up at various times; sometimes in small ways and sometimes in big ways.  Isn’t that what forgiveness and grace and mercy are all about?  Can anyone truly be a person of integrity?"  Certainly, these are legitimate questions.  What is the balance between being a person of integrity and being human?

     I know this is not a perfect illustration, but for me integrity is like a crème-filled donut.  When you squeeze it, what comes out?  You see, integrity is not evidenced by perfection.  If it is, then no one can ever hope to be a person of integrity.  Instead, integrity is evidenced by consistency; the way you normally are and the way you respond when pressure is applied.  When you squeeze the donut, you know what is going to come out.  It is your default setting—what you gravitate to because of who you are.

     And it goes without saying that what comes out of you is a direct result of what you put in.  What are you filling your life with?  Things that lead you to integrity in your marriage, or things that drive a wedge between you and your spouse?  How we live out our integrity day-to-day says something to our spouses.  If you are willing to lie to your boss, how truthful are you going to be with me?  If you are selfish in your relationship with your co-workers, should I expect you will be anything other than selfish with me?  If you let yourself be controlled by anger over someone cutting you off in traffic, should I expect you to explode when I do something you don’t like?  You get the point.

     If you are a person of integrity, do everything within your power to hold on to that.  If you are lacking in integrity, re-center your life and your marriage on Christ and begin building the trust that will make your marriage last a lifetime.  We all make mistakes.  We all hurt our spouses at one time or another.  We all need forgiveness and grace and mercy freely bestowed.  But what’s inside you?  What comes out when you get squeezed?

_______________________

What does God want from my marriage?

  A Weekend Marriage Enrichment Retreat

Friday-Sunday, September 13-15, 2013

Fall Creek Falls State Park Inn

Limited to 25 couples

Email dfcamp@gmail.com for more info

__________________________________

 

Is your church doing everything it can to help facilitate healthy marriages?  Are you sure?  The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking.  Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com

________________________________ 

If you are in the Rutherford/ Davidson/ Wilson County, TN area and are looking for a great marriage small group, A Blessed Promise will meet every Wednesday night in August, September, and October at 7 p.m. at the Smyrna Church of Christ.  This class will help couples see their marriage as a wonderful and unique participation in the Kingdom of God.  As couples study God’s Word they will see how His love, grace, forgiveness, and mercy are lived and taught within the context of marriage, and how a Christian couple’s marriage can be one of the most powerful witnesses of Christ to those around them.  The class will be made up of several discussion-based small groups with people who are either already married or looking toward marriage. (Childcare for all ages will be provided through the Wednesday night Bible class program.)

A safe harbor

     Do you know what the first thing the Bible says was NOT good? It was man’s loneliness (Genesis 2:18).  God created Adam and made him very special, sharing a relationship with God unlike anything else in all of creation. Yet Adam’s uniqueness was also his problem. God walked with him in the garden, but one was the creation and the Other the Creator. There was no one else like Adam for him to relate to. God saw Adam’s loneliness. Adam’s loneliness was no oversight on God’s part.  In fact, it was part of God’s plan to make a suitable companion for Adam so that Adam could fully experience the community of one flesh; a human reflection of the Divine relationship.

     God created us to be relational, social, interactive beings. He never intended for us to live life alone. We all need someone we can share our burdens with, someone who we can be ourselves around with no pretenses, someone who will encourage and lift us up, but who will also help us be accountable to God. We need someone who will act as a “safe harbor” for us amid the storms of life.

     In marriage, our mate is to be our safe harbor. By being there for each other and being physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and most of all spiritually “naked and not ashamed” before each other, a husband and wife are able to share dreams and expectations, hopes and fears, to communicate and grow ever closer together.  Too many voices in our culture scream out at husbands and wives, telling them to be self-reliant, to trust no one, and to go at it alone.  But that’s just not the way God made us, and that’s not God’s intent for marriage.

     Let your spouse be that safe harbor you need to deal with life’s stresses (and hopefully he/she already is).  Look to your mate when you need help, and make yourself available to your mate when he/she needs you.  Sometimes life is pleasant.  Sometimes life is difficult.  But when you walk the road with a loving marriage-covenant partner, you can double your joys and half your sorrows just by virtue of having a safe harbor.  What are you doing to be a safe harbor for your mate?

_______________________

What does God want from my marriage?

  A Weekend Marriage Enrichment Retreat

Friday-Sunday, September 13-15, 2013

Fall Creek Falls State Park Inn

Limited to 25 couples

Email dfcamp@gmail.com for more info

__________________________________

 

Is your church doing everything it can to help facilitate healthy marriages?  Are you sure?  The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking.  Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com

________________________________ 

If you are in the Rutherford/ Davidson/ Wilson County, TN area and are looking for a great marriage small group, A Blessed Promise (Marriage Small Groups) will meet every Wednesday night in August, September, and October at 7 p.m. at the Smyrna Church of Christ.  This class will help couples see their marriage as a wonderful and unique participation in the Kingdom of God.  As couples study God’s Word they will see how His love, grace, forgiveness, and mercy are lived and taught within the context of marriage, and how a Christian couple’s marriage can be one of the most powerful witnesses of Christ to those around them.  The class will be made up of several discussion-based small groups with people who are either already married or looking toward marriage. (Childcare for all ages will be provided through the Wednesday night Bible class program.)

Come to the table

     There is something powerful about a shared meal.  The analogy of the love, grace, goodness, sharing, and intimacy that happens at the table is found all throughout Scripture.  It’s no surprise the imagery of the end times is a Heavenly Banquet in which food and wine are abundant, and God calls his bride (us) to come and share at the table.  During Jesus' ministry, some of his most meaningful connections were made at the table.

     When was the last time you and your spouse shared a meal together?  And please notice that there is a difference between eating at the same time and actually sharing in a meal together.  A shared meal is not just the “eat-and-run” gobbling up of food that satisfies a physical appetite, but rather an extended, meaningful time together at the table with no distractions; a time in which you can talk, laugh, share and connect on a deeper level.

     If you’re reading this and thinking to yourself, “I’d like that, but it just doesn’t happen,” well, you have to make it happen.  A shared meal with your mate usually doesn’t materialize automatically.  Often, it takes intentionality and planning.  Family dinners are really, really important, but your conversation is different when children or grandchildren are at the table.  For some couples, schedules don’t allow a frequently shared meal, so you may have to sacrifice something less important for something more important. (While a couple’s schedules are sometimes a legitimate reason for not eating together, I think far too often many use that as an excuse because we are addicted to the frenetic lifestyles we live).  Dinners with friends are great and we should practice the spiritual discipline of hospitality.  But none of these are the same as a one-on-one shared meal with your mate.  It doesn’t have to be an elaborate or expensive meal.  Just a meaningful, shared time at the table.

     And when you come to the table with your love, come to the table to laugh together.  Come to the table to share your individual dreams and your dreams for you and your spouse as a couple.  Come to the table to share the extraordinary things you’ve experienced today, and to share the mundane things from your day.  Come to the table and talk about how you’ve changed over the years.  Come to the table and talk about why you love him/her more now than ever before.  Be playful when you come to the table.  Come to the table to share your fears, share your joys, and share your tears.  Whatever you do, just come to the table and let your time at the table bring your closer together.

__________________________________

What does God want from my marriage?

  A Weekend Marriage Enrichment Retreat

Friday-Sunday, September 13-15, 2013

Fall Creek Falls State Park Inn

Limited to 25 couples

Email dfcamp@gmail.com for more info

__________________________________

 

Is your church doing everything it can to help facilitate healthy marriages?  Are you sure?  The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking.  Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com

Top image credit: <a href='http://www.123rf.com/photo_18736469_senior-couple-enjoying-meal-at-home.html'>stockbroker / 123RF Stock Photo</a>

Drifting

     There is no doubt that Lisa and I are beach people.  The mountains are okay, but for us nothing beats a week of waves and sand.  We were blessed to spend this past week at the beach on our family vacation.  One of our favorite activities is to go out on rafts and ride the waves back in together.  As we floated along waiting for the next wave I noticed that if we didn’t pay attention, we would drift apart.  Either the current would pull us apart, or a wave would separate us.  Before long, we could be several yards apart; able to see each other, but unable to reach out and hold on to each other.  It took effort for us to stay linked together.

     If we’re not careful, in marriage it is easy for a husband and wife to drift apart.  For most couples, I don’t think the growing distance is what they want or expect.  It just seems to happen because they are not intentional about not letting it happen.  All kinds of things can cause couples to drift apart.

• He’s tired from a long day at work, so it’s easier to just not talk to his wife at night and instead veg-out watching TV.  And the current slowly pulls them apart.
• She doesn’t feel up to arguing, so another minor conflict gets swept under the rug and goes unresolved.  And a seemingly gentle wave separates them.
• His friends absorb more and more of his time, leaving less and less for his mate.  He justifies it as “a well-deserved guys’ night out.”  And they drift in opposite directions.
• She immerses herself into the children’s lives, never recognizing that she’s letting her calling to be a good mother supersede her calling to be a covenant marriage partner.  So she puts her husband on the back-burner.  And the distance becomes more distinct.

Any number of things can come up that cause couples to drift apart.  Life happens.  Isolated instances of many things are not in-and-of-themselves terrible circumstances that will cause a rift in a marriage.  We drift apart when ongoing patterns of behavior occur that minimize communication, when we fail to engage conflict in constructive ways, or when we move someone or something else into the primary relationship role that belongs exclusively to our mates.

     Over time, a couple can gently drift apart without ever realizing it.  And God help the couple that has drifted apart when a really big wave comes, the wave that knocks us loopy, tosses us every-which-way, chokes us, and totally disorients us.  When we have our mates to hold on to, the waves still come.  But when we have someone else to hold on to, there is greater stability, a sense of safety, and the assurance that even if you get flipped, there’s someone there reaching out and helping you up.

     Don’t drift apart.  But remember, the only way not to drift apart is to be intentional about not drifting apart.

__________________________________

What does God want from my marriage?

  A Weekend Marriage Enrichment Retreat

Friday-Sunday, September 13-15, 2013

Fall Creek Falls State Park Inn

Limited to 25 couples

Email dfcamp@gmail.com for more info

__________________________________

 

Is your church doing everything it can to help facilitate healthy marriages?  Are you sure?  The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking.  Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com
 

Top photo image credit: <a href='http://www.123rf.com/photo_19337243_young-couple-in-love-holding-hands-summer-sea-background-close-up.html'>dasha11 / 123RF Stock Photo</a>