The first axiom of marriage: It's all about God

     Healthy marriage is not a sociological or psychological pursuit.  At its heart it is a theological relationship.  Let me say that again.  Healthy marriage is not a sociological or psychological pursuit.  At its heart it is a theological relationship.

     Certainly sociology and psychology play a part in marriage.  They play a part in every human relationship.  It is legitimate to ask questions like, “How should I proceed in this relationship?  How does this benefit me? How does it harm me? What is my spouse’s role in this?”  But ultimately psychology-based or sociology-based models for marriage are individual-centric pursuits that, if left unchecked, will eventually lead toward a destructive, self-centered existence.  The questions then are no longer about my personal well-being for the sake of the relationship as a whole, but rather my personal well-being for the sake of my personal gratification.  The god of “self” rears its ugly head and everything in the relationship becomes about pleasing me, even at the expense of my mate.  The shared covenant relationship of Christian marriage is replaced by a parasitic relationship that seeks to use and devour the other partner, eventually killing the relationship.

     But healthy marriage is at its heart a theological pursuit.  All that simply means is Christian marriage should be centered in God and point other toward God.  Marriage defined by God has both purpose and boundaries that bless the couple.  In God, marriage is a shared ministry that moves a couple’s focus beyond selfish interests and leads them to seek ways to actively bless each other as they participate together in the Kingdom of God.  The exact shape that takes will certainly differ from couple to couple, and will likely change multiple times throughout a couple’s lifetime.  But the common element is a shared purpose that is centered in God, allows the couple to look outside of just themselves, and ultimately points the world back toward God.

     In Genesis 2, the man and the woman are described as “one flesh.” Obviously, we live in a post-Garden-of-Eden world.  The Edenic paradise no longer exists.  The isolation and brokenness of this world is ever-present in all of our relationships, including (and often especially) marriage.  But through Christ, God still calls couples to a covenant relationship between husband, wife, and God.  God still calls spouses to find a purpose greater than selfish personal gratification.  God still provides boundaries for healthy marriage.  Only in Christ can spouses find a holy covenant relationship rather than the relationship-destroying parasite of selfishness.  At its heart, healthy Christian marriage is always a theological relationship.

The 10 Axioms of Marriage

     In the Marriage and the Christian Home class that I teach to undergrads at Lipscomb University, over the course of the semester I give the students what I call The 10 Axioms of Marriage.  An axiom is a starting point from which one can build.  It is an underlying truth, a foundation for growth.  I believe that if students commit to knowing and understanding these 10 axioms, it will bless their marriage relationships, help center their marriages in Christ, and help them to see marriage as a powerful calling in the Kingdom of God .  The 10 Axioms of Marriage are:

1. At its heart, marriage is a theological relationship.
2. You have baggage and your spouse has baggage, and you both bring that into the marriage.
3. Guard your heart and mind, because your perception will become your reality.
4. We all have an innate need to feel heard.  When you have a voice, you have value.
5. Without communication, a relationship will die.
6. Conflict is not abnormal and does not have to be destructive to a marriage.
7. Controlling a healthy environment (this is NOT the same as trying to control your mate) is the best way to manage conflict.
8. God created sex and sex is good, but it is only a part of a holistic intimacy that also involves emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, social intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and non-sexual forms of physical intimacy.
9. Your resources always flow to your priorities.  Where you spend your time and your money indicates where your priorities lie within a marriage.
10. In marriage, THINGS WILL CHANGE, and your relationship will be dependent on how you and your spouse navigate changes.

Which of these axioms do you most relate to?  Which are you and your spouse doing well with?  Which are you struggling with?

     No two marriages are exactly alike, and context always determines how these axioms are experienced and lived out in a covenant Christian marriage relationship.  But these axioms are the structural skeleton —a necessary starting point— for deeper conversation and understanding with your mate.

     Over the next few days, I will expand on The 10 Axioms of Marriage and give some context to those statements, but I would be interested in hearing, what are the axioms by which you and your spouse live? And more importantly, is what you're currently living by the axioms you want to define your marriage?

The stupid point...

     I don’t know how other races are laid out, but at the Country Music Marathon in Nashville, TN, everyone starts out together and runs together for about 11 miles.  Around 11 miles comes what I jokingly call “the stupid point.”  That is the point where those who are running the half marathon split off from those who are running the full marathon.  It is a point of choice and there are consequences for the choice you make.  For those who do not weigh the consequences carefully, taking into account their physical condition, mental and emotional disposition, the environment around them, and their ability to endure, it can be a painful train wreck that takes a long time from which to recover.

     In marriage, there is also a “stupid point.” It is the point where you are presented with a choice, and there will be consequences.  Some choices can bring immediate gratification, but can be disastrous over the long haul.  Other choices can be trying initially, but ultimately bring blessings and growth to a couple.  The “stupid point” can appear in a variety of ways.

• He knows he is attracted to his assistant, and he can easily justify to his wife why he has to work several late nights with the assistant to complete an upcoming project.
• She thinks about taking out the third credit card that her husband knows nothing about, rationalizing ways she can move around money unnoticed in order to pay off her hidden debt.
• He had a stressful day at work, and things at home have only added to it.  She asks the same question for the third time and he is more than ready to give her a piece of his mind to stop what he feels is her annoying badgering.
• Her parents are trying to insert themselves into her marriage again, and she knows it would be easier to just give in than to honor the boundaries she and her husband set together for family.
• His wife is gone on an overnight business trip and while he is at home alone, he finds himself drawn toward websites he knows he ought not visit.
• She knows all she has to do is say she is sorry and reach out for his hand, but she wonders if she can find it within herself to admit he was right.

Whether it is through pride, selfishness, unrealistic expectations of ourselves or our mates, overt or covert temptations, we are continually faced with “the stupid point.”

     Please don’t think that I am calling anyone stupid personally.  From time to time, we all make choices we wish we hadn't.  I am simply saying at moments of choice, Satan will do whatever he can to drive a wedge between you and your spouse.  So many times throughout the day, we come to a point of choice where we must decide if we are going to honor God and honor our spouses, or if we are going to let “stupid” take over and lead us down a path that creates strife and destroys trust.  In your marriage, as choices present themselves, consider the options, weigh the consequences, and make the choice that will bless you and bless your mate.

The only rule...

     “The race is not always to the swift, but also to those who can keep running.”

When we think of a race, we almost always think about speed.  But the fastest sprinter usually won’t win the marathon.  It takes a different mentality to be “in it for the long haul.”

     When I train for long distance running, I have one rule—don’t stop.  There are times I go faster, there are times I go slower, and there are even times that I limp along wondering if my legs are going to quit on me.  But no matter where I am in training, where I am along the course, whatever I am doing, I have conditioned myself to always repeat the mantra, “Keep moving.  No matter what, do not stop.”  Because my mind is fully immersed in that thought, when the pain comes there is no room for anything else—no room for excuses, no room for rationalizations, no room for quitting because, frankly, sometimes it would just be easier to quit.  There is only the rule…don’t stop.

     Christian marriage is not a sprint.  It is a marathon.  Whether you have been married for less than five weeks or for more than fifty years, “till death do we part” is the covenant promise you make as you commit yourself to the marathon.  There will be hills and valleys, times when you are joyfully running together at full speed, and times when you are agonizingly crawling along feeling all alone.  But wherever you are at, don’t give up on your marriage and don’t stop moving forward.*

     Now don’t misunderstand my analogy.  I hate when people talk negatively about marriage and they use the phrase “in it for the long haul” as if marriage is a dreadful thing that you must endure until you’re lucky enough for one of you to die. It is a joyful covenant relationship between two people that is rooted in Christ.  But I am also a realist.  Couples have conflict, trust is sometimes broken, disappointments come, selfishness and pride have a way of showing themselves, things occur that are beyond your control as an individual or as a couple—in short, life happens.  But if you stay centered in Christ, if you continue to humble and submit yourself to Him and to your mate, leaning on and encouraging each other as you run, then “till death do we part” will be a joyful journey with your covenant lover.

     Keep running.  There is an amazing victory at the end for those who persevere.  And if you follow the rule, even in the most difficult of times, you just might be surprised how much you and your spouse enjoy the race together—both in the moment and in retrospect.

*This post is meant to address normal difficulties that occur within a marriage relationship.  It is not meant to address extreme addictions, abuse, or other forms of marital conflict that require professional clinical counseling.  If there is conflict in your relationship that presents danger to your well-being—physically, mentally, emotionally, or in any way—or if you live in a state of fear due to conflict, seek immediate professional and protective help.

The pack mentality...

     This past Saturday, along with tens of thousands of my closest friends, I ran the Country Music Marathon.  As I ran along the 26.2 mile course, it quickly occurred to me that I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going.  When I picked up my race number and the shoe tag that clocked my time, they gave me a map of the course.  I could have studied the map and been familiar with every turn, every hill, every straightaway.  But instead, from start to finish I just followed the pack.  If you’ve ever run a marathon or half marathon, you know that unless you’re the person in the lead, you’re constantly surrounded by hundreds of others, mostly moving in unison, as some surge ahead and some fall behind.  But most of us are just going with the flow.

     I wonder if we don’t do that in marriage sometimes—finding ourselves just going along with whatever is happening around us, letting the world plot a course for what we believe about marriage, about love, about intimacy, about commitment, about family, about integrity toward one’s spouse, and so many other aspects of the marriage relationship.

     I understand the pack mentality.  I really do.  It takes less effort.  It seems right because everyone else around me is going the same way.  There’s certainly safety and confidence in numbers.  But what if they’re wrong?  What if they took a wrong turn?  What if someone took a shortcut in his or her relationship, and rather than pay attention and try to correct the course, the next person just followed suit?  Pretty soon, the wrong way will become the norm.

     As you run the race that is Christian marriage—for better or for worse, in times of plenty and in times of want, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, till death do we part—make sure you know where you’re going.  Look for landmarks that you’re on the right path, and be confident that if you are centering your marriage on Christ, the One leading the race is always taking you in the right direction.