Married in a digital world

     What does it mean to be married in a digital world?  Are you and your spouse’s digital habits helpful or harmful to your pursuit of a healthy, Christ-centered marriage?

     We all are aware of the benefits of our digital world, and we are all just as aware of the dark side of the worldwide web.  Temptations abound—everything from pornography, to jealousy and unhealthy comparative living through social media, to websites and apps designed to encourage and facilitate infidelity,  and more.  The devil is definitely prowling around our digital world, looking for those he can devour.
     You can find numerous reports in both popular media and scholarly circles citing the rise in social media directly correlating with marital dissatisfaction and divorce.  Over a third of divorce filings now cite Facebook or other social media as a major contributor to the marriage ending.

     So what do we do?  When we say “I do,” we intend for it to truly be a blessed relationship for life.  How do we protect ourselves and our marriages from a rapidly moving digital culture?

     The easy thing to do is to just jump into the digital flood and get swept away by the current.  But Christian marriage calls us to do something different—to be something different.  And that begins with an honest and serious conversation between you and your mate over what the guidelines for living in a digital world need to be in your marriage and in your household.

     I’m not going to give you a list of specific rules because everyone’s context is unique, but as you and your spouse discuss this, here are a few thoughts that need to shape that conversation.

• You can’t fight the future.  Change in communication and our perception of the world is inevitable.  It is more beneficial to discern ways to positively and appropriately incorporate the digital world into marriage and family life than it is to fight change.
• People matter more than devices.  When your mate enters the room, do you put your devices down, make eye contact, and speak?  If you must work on a digital device in your spouse’s presence, do you communicate it verbally when he/she enters the room so there is not a feeling of being snubbed or ignored?
• Remember, your children will mimic the digital behaviors they see in you.  Is the way you interact with your mate in a digital world the same way you want your child to interact with his/her future spouse?  Your rules for living in a digital world need to reflect the values you want to pass on to your children to help them have healthy, God-honoring marriages.
• Only post with permission.  Whether it is a picture, a quote, a funny story, or even what your spouse had for breakfast, don’t post anything about your mate without getting his/her permission.  While you might not see any harm, if your spouse has a problem with it, there is a problem.  Regrettably, we all know someone who seems to be lacking any filters when it comes to what they post.  Don’t be that someone towards your spouse.
• Be aware that none of this is a new problem, it is just a different context.  Character, priorities, and identity always matter.  As new as it might seem, the temptations and secrecy perpetuated by the digital world is only a modern day version of an age old problem.  In the digital world, we firmly establish our character (or lack thereof), display our priorities in how we love, respect, and admonish our spouses through our posts, and establish an identity that either allows the digital world to drive a wedge between us and our mates, or gives us a forum to establish a strong identity rooted in “one flesh.”
• Write it down.  As you discuss, refine, and finalize your own rules for living in a digital world, take the time to write it down.  When we write things down, it becomes more concrete and has a stronger effect in shaping thoughts and behaviors that will bless your marriage.

For other considerations in coming up with your rules for living in a digital world, please read the posts TBT and the dangers of social media and Password please…

     As I said above, we can’t fight the future.  But we can let our Christian worldview, and particularly our view of covenant Christian marriage inform how we engage and interact with the digital world.  To paraphrase an 80’s song, “We are living in a digital world, and I am a digital husband/wife.”  Don’t let “digital” replace “Christian.”