Do you and your spouse agree on
everything? Do you like the same
restaurants? The same TV shows? The same movies? Do you like to engage in the same hobbies and
activities? Are you in full agreement on
how to raise your kids, especially how to discipline them? Certainly, you have the same religious
beliefs, right? How about your feelings
on family and in-laws? Do you have the
same thoughts about your sex life? Are
your priorities always the same?
If you and your spouse agree on
everything, something is wrong. The 6th
Axiom of Marriage says, “Conflict is not abnormal and does not have
to be destructive to a marriage.”
When I am counseling with a couple, I am actually more worried about a couple
that reports no conflict than I am about a couple that reports constant
conflict? Why would I be worried about
an absence of conflict? Because God
created us as unique individuals. You
and your spouse have different life experiences, different backgrounds, different
perspectives, different emotional make-ups, different faith journeys, and
different ways of engaging the world around you. If a husband and a wife say they are in
complete agreement on everything, all the time, then most likely one of them is
being suppressed in some way and is afraid to express what he/she really thinks
or believes. In any intimate, authentic,
transparent, Godly relationship, conflict will be present, and can be good.
Now, don’t misunderstand what I’m
saying. On the whole, I am a conflict
avoider. I hate conflict. I get mad.
I talk out loud. I do physical
activities to try and reduce my stress. I
cry out to God, sometimes internally, and sometimes out loud. But when it comes to facing off with someone,
I just don’t want to do it. I’m a
conflict avoider. But conflict, IF
HANDLED CORRECTLY, can be good for you and good for your marriage.* Here’s a few ways how:
- Conflict causes you to refocus on your marriage. Are the choices you’re making for the good of the marriage, or do they come from a place of selfishness, or pride, or anger?
- Conflict helps you to recognize you are not always in control. Ultimately, you can only make choices for yourself. You cannot make choices for your spouse.
- Conflict allows you to see other solutions to your problems. Even in conflict, your spouse can open your eyes to other possibilities that you can't always see alone.
- Conflict keeps you humble. Have you ever adamantly defended a position, only to later discover that you were wrong? Humility will keep you connected to your spouse, if you both are accepting of your own and your spouse’s shortcomings.
- Conflict brings personal and spiritual growth. If what you believe is never challenged in a significant way, you will stagnate. Growth is essential for a healthy relationship with each other and in your relationship with God, both individually and as a couple.
- In conflict, you can more clearly hear your covenant lover’s heart. Normally, we only argue about the things we are passionate about. And whether he/she is right or wrong, in conflict you can more fully experience your mate’s feelings, desires, and fears.
- Conflict draws you closer to God. In times of conflict, you are given a definitive opportunity to live out your faith with your spouse through love, forgiveness, patience, grace, mercy, and kindness—even when your emotions aren’t currently matching the actions God calls you to.
Like I said, I’m a conflict avoider, but
in conflict (or shortly after), I’m often led to appreciate Lisa more, and
thank God for the blessing of a wife who lives for Christ, and loves me in spite
of my faults.
*This post
is not intended to address extreme addictions, abuse, or other forms of marital
conflict that require professional clinical counseling. If there is conflict in your relationship
that presents danger to your well-being—physically, mentally, emotionally, or
in any way—or if you live in a state of fear due to conflict, seek immediate
professional and protective help.
_________________
To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage,
click here.
To read a more detailed explanation
of
The 1st Axiom of Marriage,
click here
The 2nd Axiom of
Marriage, click here
The 3rd Axiom of
Marriage, click here
The 4th Axiom of
Marriage, click here
The 5th Axiom of Marriage, click here
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