A couple's guide to navigating the hoidays...

     Where are you going for Thanksgiving?  What are your plans for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?  Are your holidays normally an enjoyable time with family—a time you can laugh together, share together, and reflect on the goodness of God in your lives—or are your holidays a stress-inducing nightmare that you wish would end quickly.  (Or maybe it’s a combination of both.)  While we all dream of perfect, peaceful holidays, few find it.

     When you marry someone, you marry into a whole other family.  And with another family comes another set of holiday traditions, immediate in-laws, extended family, in-laws’ family, and an ever growing web of folks to accommodate in one way or another.  The different demands and expectations that others place on a couple, or that a couple places on themselves, can set the stage for tension and conflict throughout the holiday season.  

     The holidays can be a festive time, but they can also be a time of anger, conflict, and stress in a marriage.  It's amazing how much distress we can bring upon ourselves when we're driven by guilt, ("You can't be the first person in the family to not make it home for Christmas Eve dinner in the last 27 years."), obligation ("I think we can make the hundred mile drive between both houses on Christmas morning, and then still stop by Aunt Joan's that night."), and worry ("We have to go.  What if something happens between now and next Christmas, and this is the last Christmas I can see them.").
     So how can a husband and wife protect their marriage, honor their families, and still enjoy the holidays?  Every couple has to figure out how to navigate the waters themselves depending on their circumstances, but here are a few general thoughts:

• First, create your own traditions and guard them zealously.  If Santa comes to your house on Christmas morning, don’t let someone guilt you into giving that up.  Set boundaries together long before the holiday season hits, deciding where you will and will not go and what you will and will not do, and stick to those boundaries.
• Second, recognize that things may have to change as your family changes.  Kids grow up.  In-laws are introduced into the equation.  Jobs change.  People move.  Health changes.  Seek some normalcy, but recognize that life happens, and sometimes it can happen very quickly and very unexpectedly.
• Third, give your spouse space to grieve when a long standing tradition has to change.  If it truly is the first time in 27 years he/she hasn't been in his/her parents' home at Christmas, or the first time grandma's health won't allow her to cook Christmas dinner, or the first time your kids won't be sleeping in their beds on Christmas Eve, it's okay to be emotional about that.
• Fourth, don’t become what you say you don’t like.  Think about the things that cause you stress during the holidays, and don’t do the same thing to others.  If you felt guilty every time you heard “I guess they just won’t get to see their grandparents on Christmas day,” then don’t do the same to your kids.  If you hated running to a dozen different places, don’t ask your family to spend the entire holiday on the road.  And certainly, don’t use manipulative tactics to satisfy your own selfishness.
• And finally, don’t miss out on the spiritual blessing of the holiday.  The word “holiday” means “holy day.”  Make it a priority to let the holidays include at least some time of spiritual renewal for you and your spouse together.

     Nobody wants to offend and alienate family, especially during a time that’s supposed to be joyful and peaceful.  Ultimately you have to decide if you are going to be angry and resentful (at your spouse, at your in-laws, or at anyone else), or if you’re going to let the holiday be a blessing to you and to your marriage.

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As we move into 2016, are you looking for a fun, practical, Biblically-based, couples' study that can be used with individual couples, in small groups, or in a Bible class?  Check out Marriage: A Blessed Promise.  It's less than four bucks and available now from 21st Century Christian.  Makes a great, inexpensive Christmas gift that will have lasting benefits.  Order online here.

Revealed...

     Tis the season for dressing up and pretending.  What are you going to be for Halloween?  It’s fun to run around the neighborhood, acting silly and having fun.  But when Halloween’s over, it’s time for the masks to come off.  I’m not going to work the next day dressed as Spider-man, we aren’t going to send the kids to school in costumes and make-up, and Lisa doesn’t want the strange looks she’d encounter if she wore a mask at work all day.

     But in marriage, one of the most difficult things to do is to

take off our masks.  Transparency and authenticity are buzz words that are heard a lot nowadays, but the actual practice of being honest, open, and even emotionally raw with your mate is no easy task.  Now, I’m not suggesting using your anger, or sadness, or confusion, or even joy and exuberance as an excuse for being disrespectful to your mate or acting out inappropriately.  But I am suggesting that when we continually lock out our mates and refuse to let them know who we really are “behind the mask,” we limit intimacy, hamper communication, and create barriers to a fulfilled marriage.

     When we’re dating and early on in marriage, most people try to “put their best face forward,” showing a potential spouse their strongest, most admirable qualities.  After marriage, a real fear can set in that one's spouse might “see you for who you really are,” and that’s a scary prospect, because no one knows my faults and flaws better than me.  So, it can become a lifetime distraction to continually try to hide behind the masks of the tough superhero, or the never-serious clown, or the helpless princess, or the tragically misunderstood monster, or the impish elf, or the crazy cartoon character, or the perfect adventurer…the list could go on and on.  It is easy to pretend to be Superman or Wonder Woman.  But it is hard to say “I’m scared,” or “I’m confused,” or “I can’t do this alone,” or “I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t know what to do.”

     Masks can appear at any time in a marriage.  They can last for a short time through a specific stressor, or they can last for years to try and hide a perceived deficiency.  Sometimes a person wears a mask intentionally, and sometimes he/she will do it subconsciously.

     Taking off the masks and being transparent with your mate means admitting weakness, accepting help, and surrendering yourself to someone else.  Our pride works against us doing that.  The culture tells us we shouldn’t do that.  But a healthy marriage demands we do that.

     So how do we do it?  First, you have to create a safe environment for your mate to be transparent with you.  We tend to expect from others what we know we would get from ourselves.  You will never feel safe to take off your own mask if you can’t have empathy, love, kindness, and forgiveness for your mate in his/her weaknesses.  When both mates create an ongoing environment of safety, it is infinitely easier to show one’s real face.

     Next, you have to be willing to take a risk.  It is hard to trust someone with information about yourself that is potentially embarrassing or hurtful.  But, if you don't take that leap of faith, you will never know the freedom of being yourself and how that will bless your marriage and your relationship with your mate.

     Finally, when you take off the mask and the issue is laid bare, prayerfully decide how you are going to proceed together.  Whether one of you need to seek forgiveness, or you need to grieve together, or cry together, or figure out how to reignite intimacy—whatever the issue—recognize that you are one flesh, working for the same goal, the good of the marriage. 

     Again, taking off your mask isn’t an excuse to become a victim, or to be verbally, emotionally, socially, or spiritually abusive to your mate.  It is a chance to find strength in your weakness so that you can bless each other and glorify Christ in your marriage.  Are you wearing a mask that you need to take off?

*Please note in this post, I am not talking about ongoing affairs, substance abuse, or pathological issues that require professional intervention.

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Looking for a fun, practical, Biblically-based, couples' study that can be used with individual couples, in small groups, or in a Bible class?  Check out Marriage: A Blessed Promise.  It's less than four bucks and available now from 21st Century Christian.  Order online here.

Fall colors and marriage...

     It’s that time of year again—the leaves are changing and fall is upon us.  Several years ago, late in the afternoon I was driving along a scenic route and the leaves were at their peak of color.  As I topped a hill, the sun broke over the horizon and shone through a tree with bright red leaves.  With the full light of the sun behind the tree, the leaves lit up with a fiery glowing that stunned me with its beauty and brilliance.  I wondered if even Moses’ burning bush could have commanded more attention than this tree.  Surely, I thought to myself, this must be the most perfect tree, every leaf shining in perfection; and I thanked God for letting me share in its magnificence.

     As I got closer to this beautiful red tree, the individual leaves began to take shape. Because of the way this tree looked from a distance, I fully expected every leaf to be perfectly shaped and perfectly colored.  However, as I continued to drive along, the sun, from my perspective, slowly moved out from behind the tree.  As I got closer to this once brilliant tree, its glory began to fade.  Slowly, the once seemingly perfect leaves came into full view.  They were dull, broken, torn, and full of bug-chewed holes.  I thought it now seemed unlikely that even one single leaf could be considered perfect.  From a different perspective, without the sun behind it, the tree was just a mass of ugly messed up leaves.

     In a lot of ways, that tree is an analogy for marriage.  We know that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage.  We are all imperfect people who come from imperfect families.  Sometimes we say things we wished we hadn’t said, do things we wish we hadn’t done, and make choices that we wish we could take back.  No one knows better than each person how broken and imperfect he/she really is.

     But a marriage shines brightly when we let our love for our mates be a reflection of our love for God.  It shines when we live out forgiveness and grace and kindness.  It shines when we speak words of encouragement to our mates, and words of praise about our mates when we are in the company of friends and co-workers.  It shines when we keep our marriage relationships at the center of our families and have healthy boundaries that protect our marriages.  Our marriages shines when we take care of each other in sickness and in health.  It shines when we lay aside the distractions and devote time and attention to our mates.  It shines when we resist our selfish impulses and look out for the good of our marriage covenants.  Our marriages shine when we embrace being “one flesh” and “helpmates” for each other.  Our marriages are only made perfect when we reflect the presence of Christ in how we treat our spouses—when we let the Son shine through us as a couple.
     Whenever you see that perfect marriage that you wish you could have, just remember, a perfect marriage is not perfect because of the husband’s or the wife’s own goodness, but because that couple allows the perfect Son to shine through their lives making them into something they cannot possibly hope to be within themselves.  As husbands and wives, we need to stand where the light of the Son penetrates who we are, and where His light can lead us together toward glorious transformation into the likeness of Christ.

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Looking for a fun, practical, Biblically-based, couples' study that can be used with individual couples, in small groups, or in a Bible class?  Check out Marriage: A Blessed Promise.  It's less than four bucks and available now from 21st Century Christian.  Order online here.

Copyright: <a href='http://www.123rf.com/profile_massonforstock'>massonforstock / 123RF Stock Photo</a>

Right or righteous...

     Years ago, I was teaching a Bible class, and a gentleman in the class gave a rather pointed answer to a question.  His wife apparently did not agree with his answer, and after some discussion, in frustration said, “You always think you’re right don’t you.”  He replied, “Why would I waste my time being wrong?”

     There is a definitive difference between being right and being righteous.  It is a good thing to be right, to know the facts, to be certain of what you believe, to have conviction and surety.  Being right gives us a sense of clarity, and order, and direction. 

The problem is, the quest to be right can easily spiral into a too-narrowly-focused, selfish, self-centered existence, which causes one to quickly lose sight of others.  Being right can actually blind us spiritually and emotionally, and our pride can cause us to justify wounding others to prove our own superior understanding.

     In John 8:2-11, the Pharisees bring before Jesus a woman who was caught in adultery.  They are one hundred percent right that she committed the act.  They are undeniably right that the Law of Moses commands that such women were to be stoned to death.  They were right in so many regards, and Jesus did not contradict the true facts they proclaimed.  But in their zeal to be right (and to discredit someone else in the process), they failed miserably at being righteous.  Jesus was both right and righteous.  He did not compromise the truth (“Go now and leave your life of sin.”), but at the same time he didn’t forget that the woman was a daughter of God who needed mercy and compassion (“Then neither do I condemn you.”).

     Truth and integrity are absolutely necessary for a healthy marriage, for a meaningful life, for forgiveness and reconciliation to be possible, and for real intimacy.  But “being right” can become a destructive, self-righteousness that drives a deep wedge between spouses.  So what is the balance between “right” that harms a marriage, and “righteousness” that blesses a marriage?   Before you try to convince your spouse that you are right, consider the following:

• You cannot behave in a way that is contrary to God’s call for all Christians, and particular for a covenant spouse, and still be right.  Our righteousness is proven by our actions, not just the “rightness” of our words.  How you communicate truth matters.  Is your focus on bettering the marriage, or is your satisfaction in being right and proving your mate wrong?
• Context always matters.  You and your mate do not have the same background, the same life experiences, or the same feelings, so you will see some things differently.  It is entirely possible for two people to see the exact same set of facts and interpret them in different ways, and both perspectives be correct.
• Life is interpreted through a lens, and if your lens is the Christian faith, then the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control) will always guide your interactions as you share your convictions. 

     In John 8:32, Jesus undeniable says, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”  Sadly, too many spouses have used this to beat each other up with “being right.”  Don’t forget this statement was preceded with “If you hold to my teachings, you are really my disciples, THEN, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”  You can be right and still not be a disciple of Jesus.  You can be right and not be righteous, but righteousness always demands truth, integrity, and a love that honors your mate.  So next time you and your spouse have a disagreement, it’s okay to be right, but it’s far better to be righteous.

Deferred maintenance...

“There was a significant amount of deferred maintenance present throughout the property and exterior grounds at the time of the inspection, and this property probably needs significant renovation, remodeling, refurbishment, or rehabilitation.”

     That was the opening statement on the inspector’s reports for the home my wife and I were considering buying.  The location was where we wanted.  The yard was what we wanted.  Buying this house would eliminate 6 to 8 hours of drive time per week for us.  It even had a pool (of course the above mentioned “deferred maintenance” also extended to the pool, which had a small tree or two growing in it).

     For most people, a house like this one is the perfect invitation to look elsewhere.  I’m not a do-it-yourself guy who loves this kind of thing.  We’re not house flippers.  And, the reality is the investment of time and energy, not to mention money, can seem overwhelming.  But we still bought it.  Why?  Because we saw what it could be.  Yes, it had been neglected and had fallen into serious disrepair, but we knew what was once a nice house could be a nice house again.

     In pastoral and clinical counseling sessions, I’ve worked with a lot of couples who have allowed their marriages to fall into disrepair because of “a significant amount of deferred maintenance.”  At first, they talked freely, but over time it became easier to just not talk at all.  For a while, husband and wife always saw the best in each other, but eventually all they could see was animosity in the relationship.  Responsibility and accountability were a cornerstone of security in the relationship, but eventually blame and a victim mentality eroded the foundation.  Lovers used to be able to come home to intimacy, but less and less physical contact led to a non-existent emotional connection.  Patience and forgiveness were freely given and received, but eventually only broken promises and grudges tarnished the landscape.  Slowly, what was once a beautiful, Christ-centered, haven of goodness and blessing became a gloomy eyesore that only brought anxiety and pain.

     And just like with the house, rather than remembering what was and seeing what it could be again, it became easier to look elsewhere.  Sometimes it was with another person, either physically or emotionally.  Sometimes it was through work or hobbies.  Sometimes it was through alcohol, or drugs, or pornography, or other addictions.  Sometimes it was through an overpowering apathy that caused one or both spouses to just become numb.

     Our house didn’t go from a beautiful home to a fixer-upper overnight.  It took a long time to get to the state of disrepair it was in when we bought it, and we knew it wouldn’t become what we knew it could be overnight.  It was going to take a serious investment from us in every way.  At times it has been frustrating.  At times we have wanted to quit.  Often, we’ve asked ourselves, “Is this really worth it?”  But the thing that keeps us going is hope—hope that something so much better is coming, hope that we don’t have to live in…well…hopelessness.  Every accomplishment, every freshly painted wall, every new piece of flooring, every time another room in the house is transformed, our hope is renewed and we press on, knowing we are making a house our home.

     When a marriage falls into “a significant amount of deferred maintenance,” it did not happen overnight, and it will heal overnight.  Trust will have to be restored.  Intimacy will have to be rekindled.  Couples will have to re-learn selfless love over selfish expectations.  Healthy boundaries will have to be redrawn.  Transparency will have to be renewed.  But it can be done.  And as the relationship is being rebuilt, celebrate victories (no matter how large or small), and above all else, hold on to hope—the hope that our God is a God of restoration, and he can restore your covenant marriage.

Change is coming: The 10th Axiom of Marriage

     Aren’t you glad that you and your spouse are exactly like you were when you married.  Isn’t it great that you still both look exactly the same, think exactly the same, act and react exactly the same, and that life hasn’t thrown you any circumstances that have radically reoriented your marriage relationship.  I sure am glad that is the case for Lisa and me.

     Obviously, I’m being a bit facetious and sarcastic.  Whether you’ve been married less than a month or over 60 years, as you and your covenant lover go through life together, the only guarantee that you have is the 10^th Axiom of Marriage: In marriage, THINGS WILL CHANGE, and your relationship will be dependent on how you and your spouse navigate changes.  Everything—physical health, communication, intimacy, family relationships, (possibly) mental health, social relationships, spirituality—will change.  Sometimes change comes slowly and sometimes change comes quickly.  However it happens, you have to expect change.

     The key question is how will you respond when change happens?  Remember, no matter what stage you are at in your marriage, Satan will always be working to destroy your covenant relationship, either through neglect or through more aggressive means.  When your spouse doesn’t look like she used to, do you begin comparing her unfavorably to others?  When your sex life changes, do you seek intimate connections elsewhere?  When your mate’s spiritual beliefs change, do you condemn him or recognize that you are both on a spiritual journey and he may be at a different place?  When age or illness causes physical disabilities, do you see helping her as a burden or as a blessing?  When he has a hard time relating to your adult children, do you talk negatively about him in front of the kids, or help him through that difficult transition?  Remember, Satan is always looking for changes in your marriage relationship that can be exploited to drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

     Obviously, every couple is different and is living out their own unique story.  However, here are some general thoughts for navigating change:

• Keep your relationship anchored in Christ.  It is always easy to let your marriage become directed by the world, but your love for God is always evidenced by how you love your spouse.  Pray with each other always.
• Remind yourself of your marriage covenant on a regular basis.  Whether it’s re-watching your marriage video, renewing your vows, or just reflecting daily on the blessings your spouse brings to your life, continually reinforce a positive perspective of your marriage relationship.
• Express your love both in word and in deed often.  Your mate needs to hear and see your love on a regular basis so that there is never any doubt in his/her mind.
• How you communicate might change, but don’t let communication die or the relationship will die with it.  Without communication spouses become isolated and lose connection with each other.  Healthy, regular communication is necessary for any relationship to work.
• Consistently revisit your expectations (personally, for each other, and for the marriage).  Do this especially when changes occur.  When life takes you in a different direction, it is too easy to assume your mate will know what you think, feel, or need, and then to become upset or offended when he/she doesn’t respond accordingly.
• Handle conflict in a timely manner.  If conflict is not addressed, walls will build up between you and your spouse.
•  Practice forgiveness on an ongoing basis.  Forgive your mate and forgive yourself.  Don’t let the poisonous root of anger, resentment, and guilt kill your marriage.
• Continually guard each other’s hearts and minds.  Proverbs 4:23 reminds us that it is the well-spring of life; your own personal spiritual life and the life of your marriage.
• How you express intimacy may have to change, but don’t let intimacy slip away.  Showing intimacy—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and spiritually—is always necessary for a healthy connection.
• Recognize the power and necessity of acceptance.  Your spouse won’t always look the same.  Your spouse may not always think about things exactly the same.  You may face changes in your family structure.  When changes occur, it is critical to let your spouse know that you accept him/her for who he/she is. To bemoan what you cannot change is hurtful to your spouse and negatively impacts your marriage.
• Constantly check where you are spending your time and your resources because that is what you value.  Your resources always flow to your priorities, so at every stage, with every significant change, verify what is really important to you.
• Don’t wait until the elusive “later” to enjoy your time and do things with your mate.  It is always easy to wait for “a more convenient time,” but tomorrow doesn’t always come.  Live within your means, but don’t live with regrets over the simple pleasures in life that you were too busy to enjoy.
• Play together and laugh together often.  Few things can connect you to your mate as intimately and powerfully as playing together.  And, when the uncertainty of change looms darkly on the horizon, shared play and laughter can alleviate anxiety and worry better than anything else.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  There is no shame in needing help.  When different experiences of life present problems you’ve never encountered before, seek the counsel of other godly couples who have walked that road ahead of you.
• And most importantly, use your marriage in God’s kingdom at every step.  The list of ways you can use your marriage to serve God’s Kingdom is endless.  And what you are able to do at one stage of life might be different from what you are able to do at another.  Just be intentional to do something together to serve God’s Kingdom at every step of the way.

     Change is often confusing and trying.  We are resistant to change because it is frequently accompanied by the unknown, and that can be scary.  The blessed promise of a Christ-centered marriage is that God has given us someone with whom we can face the challenges of life.  Whether we are singing praises to God on a mountain top or walking through the valley of the shadow of death, we know God is with us because our spouse is with us.

     Together, embrace the joys and blessings that come with each stage of life.  Together, love each other through the hardships and pain.  Together, use your marriage powerfully in God’s Kingdom.  Be the very presence of Christ for your mate in every way possible—in love, in forgiveness, in grace, in mercy, in selflessness, and in goodness.  When you do that, change will still happen…but it will be a whole lot less disorienting.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 8^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 9^th Axiom of Marriage, click here