Blank space...

“I know I should have told you, but…”

How many times have you or your mate said those words?  Maybe it ended with, “…but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings,” or “…but I knew how you would react,” or “…but I wanted to fix it myself and not get you involved.”  Regardless of how the sentence ended, the end result was probably the same.  Someone’s feelings were hurt.  Someone was angry.  Someone felt minimized, criticized, or disrespected.

     There are any number of reasons a person might not tell his or her spouse something.  Fear.  Shame.  To control a situation.  To control one’s mate.  Because you legitimately forget.  Because you really do not believe that it is important.  In an attempt to protect your spouse.  Whether born of pure motives or not, silence can have devastating effects on your mate.

     Why is silence deafeningly problematic?  Silence often leaves a blank space that your mate’s brain tries to fill in.  If a person is missing information, he or she will often try to fill in the blank space.  We want to know what is being hidden from us.  And regrettably, in our human nature, we often go to worst-case scenarios—and more so if there is already tension in the relationship.  “Why didn’t she tell me she would be two hours late.  Has she been in a wreck?”  “He’s working late again.  Is something going on between him and that new co-worker?”  “She didn’t tell me she friended him on Facebook.  I wonder what else she’s trying to hide from me?”  “He should have known I would want to know about that.  What’s game is he playing by not telling me?”

     So, what do we do when there is a blank space in the relationship?  First, dispel the opportunity for misunderstandings by being committed to sharing openly with your mate.  Second, if you are leaving something out to try and protect your mate, trust that he/she is emotionally mature enough to handle whatever you need to say.  Third, when information is missing, give your mate the benefit of the doubt and trust that he/she isn’t deliberately trying to deceive or manipulate you if you have no conclusive, concrete proof otherwise.

     Secrets, whether real or perceived, kill relationships.  With your spouse, work to eliminate the blank spaces by committing to an open and honest relationship.  It is healthy to ask questions and seek clarification, but it is detrimental to accuse and make assumptions.  The more mental real estate that we spend on filling in blank spaces, the less mental and emotional energy we have to work toward a Christ-centered, healthy, productive, covenant marriage relationship.

Why do I do that?

     There is no truer statement in the world than “When you marry someone,  you marry their whole family.”  Even if you never interact with your spouse’s family, you are still seeing characteristics, behaviors, and attitudes that are a direct reflection or response to what your mate grew up with.

     And your mate sees the same in you.  How many times have you caught yourself doing something the same way you saw dad or mom doing it?  How many times have you used certain phrases when disciplining your kids that you swore you’d never say when you were younger?  How many times have you yelled because you grew up in a loud family, or went silent because your family tended to avoid conflict at any cost?

     Parents, grandparents, siblings, extended family—they all contributed to everything from how you communicate, to how you handle conflict, to how you think about intimacy, to the things you obsess over, to how you see God.  No family is perfect, but I pray that you had a good family growing up.  I pray your mate had a good family.  Because good or bad, you will either repeat or rebel against what you’ve experienced (and either can be good or bad depending on the behavior or characteristic being accepted or rejected).

     Our families of origin often set a “default” in us.  After all, the family you grew up with is the only experience of family you’ve had, so it is easy to become ingrained with the thought that this (whatever “this” was for you) is how family is supposed to be.  Certainly we want to bring into our own marriages the good things we got from our families.  But we are not doomed to repeat the not-so-good things.  Thank God we have the ability to choose and to be intentional.  It is a cop-out to say “Well, you knew that’s how I was when you married me,” or “That’s just the way I am and I can’t change.”*

     As you think about your family, and your mate’s family, consider talking about/ doing the following:

• What are the good things you see in your mate’s family that you are glad he/she brings into your marriage relationship?
• Are there any actions/ patterns/ characteristics from your family of origin that you don’t want to bring into your own relationship with your spouse?  (Let each person talk about his/her own family only so that you don’t open the door to saying anything that might be hurtful or misinterpreted.)
• Write a letter to your spouse’s parents (or whoever their primary family influence was growing up), thanking them for blessing your life through the good things they gave your mate.

In-laws and extended family is often one of the most challenging parts of a marriage relationship.  But the qualities that made you fall in love with your mate were in some way influenced by his/her family.  Thank God for who your covenant spouse is, and ask God to lead you to speak blessing and encouragement into your own children’s lives, as well as the lives of their current or future spouses.

*Obviously there are some things that are beyond one’s control to change, but I am referring to individuals who consistently make excuses for hurtful words and actions with no real effort to make changes.

Remembering Marriage

     When I was in college, I missed a couple of weeks of a history class.  It’s not that I didn’t want to go to class.  I actually literally forgot that I had a class.  For those two weeks, I left the preceding class thinking in my gut that I was supposed to be somewhere, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t remember where.  So, I went back to my dorm room and took a nap.  When it finally clicked with me, I immediately got back into the class (and managed to still pull out an A for the course).

     Memory can be a very tricky thing.  Often memory is selective, reinforcing a perspective we already have begun to develop.  That can be a very good thing if we choose to have a positive perspective, but if we’re not careful, it can become a destructive thing.  Memory is a powerful indicator of love, priorities, a Christ-like character, and how powerfully the Holy Spirit is active within a couple’s lives.  After all, we talk frequently and passionately about what we love and what is important to us.  Memories are built through big events in couple's lives, but also through regular daily activities that intimately connect husband and wife.

     What drew you together and made you fall in love with each other?  Were there difficult times but you still renewed your commitment to not give up on each other?  What are the memories that make you cry?  That make you laugh?  That make you want to honor your covenant marriage vows?  As you and your spouse reflect on your story together, what were the defining moments—memories that allow you to keep falling in love over and over again?  As you continue to write your story together, what are the things you need to do to build powerful memories—memories that speak of cherishing your mate, freely extending forgiveness, building intimacy, and always being a place of safety and blessing and encouragement for each other?

     If you’ve “forgotten” your marriage, if you’ve let other things distract you from what’s really important, it’s time to immediately return to your mate, figure out what you need to do, and remember.

When was the last time?

When was the last time you told your spouse “I love you,” and she/he knew you really mean it?

When was the last time you surprised your spouse with an unexpected gift?

When was the last time you thanked your spouse for the things she/he does to make your life better?

When was the last time you looked at the stars together?

When was the last time you did one of your spouse’s household chores, just to make his/her life easier?

When was the last time you prayed with your spouse and not just prayed for him/her?

When was the last time you gave your spouse a handwritten love note?

When was the last time you simply said “I’m sorry,” with no “but” at the end?

When was the last time you held hands in public?

When was the last time you complimented your spouse on something he/she was doing?

When was the last time you read scripture together?

When was the last time you had a date night?

When was the last time you told your spouse how much you are attracted to her/him?

When was the last time you did something together for the Kingdom of God?

When was the last time you stayed up all night talking?

When was the last time you gave up something you wanted to do in order to do something your spouse wanted to do?

When was the last time you listened to your spouse’s heart beat?

When was the last time you told someone else how wonderful your spouse is?

When was the last time you took a walk together?

When was the last time you felt like you and your spouse truly are “one flesh”?

The little things matter.  Don't forget to be attentive to the little things that consistently communicate your love.

__________________________________

 

 

 Is your church doing everything it can to help facilitate healthy marriages?  Are you sure?  The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking.  Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com




 

We're not done yet...

     When I was working in full time ministry, we would plan marriage enrichment events (seminars, retreats, classes, etc.).  I would often talk to older couples who had been married for 25+ years and encourage them to participate.  Answers that I heard ranged from “Well, that stuff is just for newlyweds,” to “No thanks, if we haven’t gotten it figured out by now we never will,” to “We’re just fine.  Why mess with it if it isn’t broken.” One person even told me, “If you don’t quit telling people they can have a better marriage, you’re going to make them feel bad.”  (I’m still trying to figure that one out.  Why would you settle for less than what you could have?)

     While it was certainly not every couple, there was a large percentage of older couples who had decided that they had progressed as far as they were going to as a married couple.  Apathy and complacency (which is very different from contentment) in regard to their covenant marriage partners had been allowed to define what was normal and acceptable.  The desire to pursue one’s mate, to try and reach new levels of intimacy, to deepen one’s love for his/her spouse was viewed as unlikely and unworthy of the effort.   

     Even now, I still regularly hear similar comments from my friends in ministry.  They wonder what it will take to get couples that have been married for a long time excited about marriage again; to make them want to see marriage as a calling of God and a way of living the Kingdom-life.  What do these couples need to want to keep growing themselves, but also to share with other couples the joy of healthy, Christian marriage?

     Now, I certainly don’t believe that participation in a church’s marriage ministry is the only, or even the most accurate measure of a couple’s love and devotion.  But for covenant Christian marriage to mean something, for it to be discernable different from secular, civil marriage, then couples who have been married for a long time should regularly be investing in their own marriage relationship even as they are investing in healthy marriages within the faith community.

     If you fall into the category of an older couple, or a couple with a long-term marriage, here are a few things to consider:

• Younger couples are looking to you to see what Christian marriage is supposed to look like.  Do you and your spouse speak encouragement and blessing into each other’s lives, or do others see criticism and contempt?  Do you laugh together often?  Is it obvious that you prioritize your mate above other relationships?  Do you pray together?  Do you practice your faith first-and-foremost with your spouse?  Do other couples see you living in forgiveness, and humility, and accountability with each other?  Participate in life with younger couples (including church marriage ministry events) — they not only need you to be there, they want you to be there.
• Never stop discovering your mate.  When you’ve been married for a long time and you have a shared history, it is tempting to think you know all there is to know about your mate.  And part of the comfort of a healthy marriage is being able to know even as you are known.  But, when you stop the practice of actively trying to learn about your mate, his/her joys, worries, fears, anxieties, hopes, dreams, feelings, you effectively communicate that he/she is no longer worth pursuing.
• Pursue each other relentlessly.  Especially when you’ve been married a long time, it is easy to love your spouse but to not actively cherish him/her.  Cherish your mate in a way that shows you believe “till death do we part” to be a blessed promise that you are eager to keep.  Pursue each other physically.  Pursue each other emotionally.  Pursue each other intellectually.  Pursue each other socially.  Pursue each other spiritually.

Each stage of life brings its own unique set of blessings and challenges.  Let each stage of life also bring new ways that you can renew your love for your mate day-by-day.  Don’t settle for less than what God can and will give you through your marriage relationship.  In doing so, you will show your spouse, your family, your faith community, and the world what an awesome God we serve.