How much can you pack into a room before the room begins to look
cluttered—before it is difficult to move around, to find what you need or want,
or to invite others into that space?
A room, or a house, or a piece of land are a certain size, and you can
only reasonable put so much into a defined space before the quality of life
around that space begins to diminish.
That’s why most cities have zoning boards that tell you how much a given
area can take before it becomes detrimental to a neighborhood or
community. Yet, there are always people
who try to squeeze as much into a space as possible. But the reality is you only have so much
physical space.
In the same way, we only have so much of what I call, “mental real
estate.” Our mental real estate is
defined by what we allow to fill our thoughts on a regular basis. And the more we allow one thing or another to
consume our available mental real estate, the less room there is for anything
else.
Sadly, the two most common ways that people fill up their mental real
estate is with “I should have’s” and “what if’s.” “I should have’s” are constantly living in
the past, reliving and rethinking every decision, knowing that doing so won’t change
anything. (“I should have done this instead of that, and then everything would
have turned out better.”) “What
if’s” are constantly living in the future, playing through scenarios that will
likely never come to pass. (“What if she believes I meant xyz rather
than qrs? Then
she’ll probably say this about me.”)
The best marriages are lived in the present, not the past or the
future. Now obviously that doesn’t mean that
you don’t learn from past choices or that you don’t plan for the future, but if
your available mental real estate is cluttered up with regrets from the past or
anxieties for the future, then you will miss out on so many blessings now. If your mental real estate is muddled with “should
have’s” and “what if’s,” not only do you miss out on the moment, but you also have
less resources to deal with real crises when they come along. Why? Because
you have already expended your time and energy reliving situations that have
already passed and cannot be altered, or stressing over future circumstances
that may never be. Here are a few signs
that you’re allotting too much mental real estate to “what if’s” and “should
have’s”:
- You constantly put off your spouse because you are always preparing for the next thing that might (note the keyword “might”) happen.
- You can’t talk about things that are going on in your marriage now without repetitively bringing up the past in a negative way.
- You are more content to live in guilt and regret and shame, than to accept your mate’s forgiveness and work together toward a better future.
- You obsessively focus on others in a way that keeps you from enjoying life and enjoying your spouse’s company.
- You can’t quiet your mind, even during good times with your husband/wife.
- Sharing intimate moments with your covenant lover is more of a chore than an expression of your joy in your union together.
- Your senses become dulled to what is happening now because your thoughts are always preoccupied elsewhere, so you miss out on enjoying the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and sensations that you experience with your mate.
- You begin to feel distant spiritually from your spouse.
Different circumstances and different seasons of life can occupy our
mental real estate in various ways.* During
the stresses of the holiday season, it is easy for a person’s mental real
estate to get as cluttered as our houses can become after unwrapping presents. But don’t miss out on the joys you and your
mate can share right now because you’re too exhausted trying to live in the
past or the future. Manage your mental real estate so that there is always room to invite your spouse in.
*If you are living with anxiety,
depression, or destructive thought patterns that have interfered with your life
over an extended period of time, please seek professional counseling help.
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