What's Really Important? The 9th Axiom of Marriage

     You can tell me all day long what is important to you and your spouse,  individually or as a couple.  But if I can see your checkbook register and your daily schedule, I’ll tell you what’s really important to you.  The 9^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Your resources always flow to your priorities.  Where you spend your time and your money indicates where your priorities lie within a marriage.”  This is an inescapable truth.  Your time and your money will always go to your priorities.  And in a marriage relationship, it will be the strongest mirror of what is important to each spouse individually, and the main indicator of whether or not you and your spouse are on the same page about what is really important to you as a couple.

     When a couple agrees on how to spend time and finances, you are bringing your priorities together.  All of your relational priorities—spiritual, emotional, social, intellectual, and intimate—are revealed in the physical realities of how you use your two greatest resources.  While you may not always be in 100% agreement, you and your spouse need equal input on how you manage your money and time.  In marriage you are one, not two living in the same household.    The way you use your time and money is a gauge—it is a gauge of your love, respect, and honor for your spouse.  Equal input builds up those qualities, while giving you a deeper understanding of what is important to each of you individually and what is really important to you together as a couple.

     For some couples, there is a real temptation to say, “Our time and money don’t say much about our priorities, because we don’t have enough of either to say anything.”  But the reality is, that is when it says the most about what you and your mate value.  When hard choices and sacrifices have to be made, that is when our strongest priorities rise to the surface.  It is in times of want that you best see you and your mate’s core convictions, desires, and drives.

     Whether you are living in a time of plenty or a time of need, a busy season of life or a time of relaxation—I would challenge you to sit down with your spouse and take an honest look at where your money and time are going.  Compare your calendars and see where you are spending time, both individually and together.  Look at your finances.  As your priorities come to light, ask yourself some questions.

"According to where we spend our time and money..."

• ...what do I value most?
• ...what does my spouse value most?
• ...how aware are we of each other’s priorities (actual priorities as reflected by the daily schedules and bank statements, not just what we wish for or proclaim)?
• ...are our values in line with each other, or in contrast to each other?
• ...do I try to hide or distract my mate from where I am spending time or money?
• ...what do our priorities say about marriage, children, family, and having appropriate boundaries?
• ...most importantly, what does the flow of our resources say about our spirituality and how we use our marriage within the Kingdom of God?

     Honestly evaluating one’s self and together honestly evaluating the marriage relationship can be a sobering undertaking.  But knowing your priorities, knowing your spouse’s priorities, and knowing where your priorities line up and where they diverge will open up new conversations—conversations that will lead to a healthier marriage and a better understanding of each other.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 8^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

God created sex, and sex is good! The 8th Axiom of Marriage

     When was the last time you thanked God for your sex life?  When was the last time you and your spouse together thanked God for your sex life?  For some people, this is a really, really weird question.  After many years of premarital counseling, I’ve noticed that often couples who grew up with a strong church background are the ones most reluctant to embrace sex as a spiritual blessing.  The 8^th Axiom of Marriage says, “God created sex and sex is good, but it is only a part of a holistic intimacy (that includes other forms of physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, social intimacy, and spiritual intimacy)”

     God created sex, and sex is good.  I certainly don’t mean that in a flippant way.  Scripture tells us that everything God made is good, and Genesis 1:27-28 tells us that God made them male and female and God told them to reproduce (have sex) and fill the earth.  And God didn’t just create the act of sex.  He created humanity to be sexual beings, giving us marriage as a holy relationship for sexual expression.  In 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, Paul reminds couples to not just have sex, but to have sex often so that a husband and a wife can please each other in a holy and righteous way, and not be tempted to dishonor God through reckless, misplaced sexual behaviors.  The Song of Songs celebrates the sexual relationship.  Both the Lover and the Beloved describe sex as a delicacy they anxiously desire to share with each other.  “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue…Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere.  Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” (Song of Songs 4:11,16)

     God created sex, and sex is good.  Sex is meant to be a monogamous relationship between one man and one woman and kept within the context of marriage for the purpose of procreation and recreation.  But sex is also very powerful.  Sex, if abused and taken out of the context God intended, can harm a marriage and destroy any true sense of intimacy and goodness.  Sex can be used to coerce, demean, or belittle one’s mate as easily as it can be used to bring pleasure and intimate connection to a marriage.  Because sex is so powerful, God (who knows infinitely more than us) provides boundaries for sexual expression between a husband and wife.  Those boundaries protect us and enhance intimacy and spiritual growth (for more on the boundaries God gives us for sexual expression, click here).

     But you can’t base a marriage on sex alone.  While the sexual relationship should not be minimized or separated from your Christian life, if the sexual act is your only means of expressing intimacy it will eventually become a selfish, performance-driven act rather than an holy expression of joy and celebration that blesses you and your mate.  Using your physical presence to make your spouse feel safe, comforted, and connected, caring about what your mate thinks, truly hearing your lover’s heart in both joy and pain, connecting into your spouse’s world through his/her daily interactions, and protecting your covenant lover’s soul and spirit as you serve God’s Kingdom together—all of these are ways we connect intimately with our mates.  And when we deepen our intimate connections in all areas, it can’t help but to enhance and bless your sex life as well.

     Pay attention to your sexual relationship.  Enjoy this wonderful way of engaging each other that God has given to you and your spouse alone to enjoy and share together.  Connect intimately with your spouse in multiple ways.  Cherish the intimate connections you have with your spouse, knowing that God created sex, and sex is good.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

Controlling the Environment: The 7th Axiom of Marriage

     My wife’s internal thermostat is broken.  At least that’s what I tell her, because whenever I am hot, she is cold, and when I am cold, she is hot.  This leads to the house thermostat being adjusted up and down, the ceiling fan being turned on and off, and covers being pulled up and kicked off all night.  We both want to be comfortable, so we do the best we can to control our environment.

     Just like in a house, there is an environment that exists within a marriage relationship.  It can be suffocatingly hot or a refreshingly cool breeze.  It can be pleasant or hostile.  It can bring consistent laughter and joy or cause constant pain and discomfort.

     Conflict is inevitable in any healthy relationship.  Because God created us as unique individuals with differing perspectives, in a relationship as close and intimate as marriage there will always be some level of disagreement.  Sometimes that disagreement is minor, and sometimes it is major.  There are multiple methods couples can utilize to handle conflict in a healthy and productive way, but one that is often overlooked is being very intentional about cultivating and controlling the environment prior to the conflict.

     The 7^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Controlling a healthy environment (this is NOT the same as trying to control your mate) is the best way to manage conflict.”  What environment are you cultivating and controlling in your marriage?  Undoubtedly, during a conflict it will get heated, but what about on a day-to-day basis?  Do you show kindness to your spouse regularly, without any thought of what you’ll get in return?  Are you patient when he/she takes longer to do something than it takes you?  Does your mate hear positive and encouraging words from you every day?  Do you play together and laugh together often?  When you give up something you want to do to help your lover, do you do so with joy?  Does your spouse know he/she can count on your word?  When mistakes happen, does your spouse know he/she can be honest with you even when it might hurt to do so?  Do you verbalize and show your love for your mate?  If you regularly live in an environment of forgiveness, encouragement, selflessness, care, and integrity before a conflict occurs, then when conflict happens it becomes a much easier road to travel, because you know you are traveling it together.  The pain of the moment is not the normal environment you exist within, so you and your spouse do whatever you can to return to your normal loving, peaceful, healthy way of being.

     Again, controlling the environment in your home is NOT controlling your mate.  Cultivating a good environment cannot include manipulation, guilt, passive-aggressive games, or other forms of forced control.  Cultivating a good environment in your home means you recognize that you are responsible for your choices and how you live in relation to your spouse.  Are you proactively doing things to create a healthy climate for your marriage?  You cannot make you spouse say or do anything he/she doesn’t want to do.  And from time to time, your spouse will do things you don’t like.  But, if you both are committed to Christ, committed to each other, and committed to the marriage, then you will work together to create an ongoing environment that will bless both of you.

     Holding on to grudges, anger, pride, and selfishness will kill a marriage.  Recognize that you will both make mistakes from time to time, and decide now what you both need to do to cultivate and ongoing environment of forgiveness, encouragement, selflessness, care, and integrity.  Then when conflict does come, the heat won’t get turned up quite so quickly.  Are you doing your part to "control the thermostat" and create a healthy, God-honoring, Christ-centered environment together?

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

Conflict is good!?! The 6th Axiom of Marriage

     Do you and your spouse agree on everything?  Do you like the same restaurants?  The same TV shows?  The same movies?  Do you like to engage in the same hobbies and activities?  Are you in full agreement on how to raise your kids, especially how to discipline them?  Certainly, you have the same religious beliefs, right?  How about your feelings on family and in-laws?  Do you have the same thoughts about your sex life?  Are your priorities always the same?

     If you and your spouse agree on everything, something is wrong.  The 6^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Conflict is not abnormal and does not have to be destructive to a marriage.”  When I am counseling with a couple, I am actually more worried about a couple that reports no conflict than I am about a couple that reports constant conflict?  Why would I be worried about an absence of conflict?  Because God created us as unique individuals.  You and your spouse have different life experiences, different backgrounds, different perspectives, different emotional make-ups, different faith journeys, and different ways of engaging the world around you.  If a husband and a wife say they are in complete agreement on everything, all the time, then most likely one of them is being suppressed in some way and is afraid to express what he/she really thinks or believes.  In any intimate, authentic, transparent, Godly relationship, conflict will be present, and can be good.

     Now, don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.  On the whole, I am a conflict avoider.  I hate conflict.  I get mad.  I talk out loud.  I do physical activities to try and reduce my stress.  I cry out to God, sometimes internally, and sometimes out loud.  But when it comes to facing off with someone, I just don’t want to do it.  I’m a conflict avoider.  But conflict, IF HANDLED CORRECTLY, can be good for you and good for your marriage.*  Here’s a few ways how:

• Conflict causes you to refocus on your marriage.  Are the choices you’re making for the good of the marriage, or do they come from a place of selfishness, or pride, or anger?
• Conflict helps you to recognize you are not always in control.  Ultimately, you can only make choices for yourself.  You cannot make choices for your spouse.
• Conflict allows you to see other solutions to your problems.  Even in conflict, your spouse can open your eyes to other possibilities that you can't always see alone.
• Conflict keeps you humble.  Have you ever adamantly defended a position, only to later discover that you were wrong?  Humility will keep you connected to your spouse, if you both are accepting of your own and your spouse’s shortcomings.
• Conflict brings personal and spiritual growth.  If what you believe is never challenged in a significant way, you will stagnate.  Growth is essential for a healthy relationship with each other and in your relationship with God, both individually and as a couple.
• In conflict, you can more clearly hear your covenant lover’s heart.  Normally, we only argue about the things we are passionate about.  And whether he/she is right or wrong, in conflict you can more fully experience your mate’s feelings, desires, and fears.
• Conflict draws you closer to God.  In times of conflict, you are given a definitive opportunity to live out your faith with your spouse through love, forgiveness, patience, grace, mercy, and kindness—even when your emotions aren’t currently matching the actions God calls you to.

     Like I said, I’m a conflict avoider, but in conflict (or shortly after), I’m often led to appreciate Lisa more, and thank God for the blessing of a wife who lives for Christ, and loves me in spite of my faults.

*This post is not intended to address extreme addictions, abuse, or other forms of marital conflict that require professional clinical counseling.  If there is conflict in your relationship that presents danger to your well-being—physically, mentally, emotionally, or in any way—or if you live in a state of fear due to conflict, seek immediate professional and protective help.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

Say What!? The 5th Axiom of Marriage

     There is an art and a discipline to healthy communication.  Words can convey love, provide encouragement, offer hope, build intimacy, provoke life-improving discernment, flow with praise, express gratitude, sooth broken hearts, bring reconciliation, and draw spouses close together.  Words can also smack of hatred, bitterly discourage, smash dreams, tear down connectedness, enable destructive cycles, reek of criticism, cut deeply, drive a wedge, and reinforce painful isolation and loneliness.  Without a doubt, words have power.

     In Christian marriage, positive, godly, Christ-centered communication is one of the greatest gifts God has given us.  The 5^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Without communication, a relationship will die.”  There is no way around this truth.  Communication is essential to any relationship.  Healthy communication (which is not the same as agreeing with your mate on everything, or only talking about the good stuff) will bring about a healthy marriage.  Unhealthy communication will create an unhealthy marriage.  And constant unhealthy communication will often lead to no communication, which will ultimately kill a marriage relationship.

     Even in the best of circumstances, communication is tough.  It is important to remember that in every communication, three things happen:

• First, there is what is said. What are the actual words that are formed and spoken out loud?  Do they help the marriage or harm it?  Do they bring life or death to the relationship?  Do you speak out of love and concern for your spouse and the relationship, or do you speak out of anger, pride, or selfishness?
• Second, there is what is heard. What did you understand to be the actual words your mate spoke? Have you ever thought your spouse just said the craziest thing?  "What do you mean there's a ninja monkey in the front yard?" Sometimes we simply do not correctly understand the words spoken.  When that happens, do you give your mate the benefit of the doubt, or do you immediately assume the worst of your lover?
• Third, there is what is interpreted. What did your spouse mean to convey? Are you accurately understanding his/her intention? What does your tone of voice and body language communicate?  When you and your spouse talk, do you live in an environment of mistrust and animosity, or in an environment of God-centered, marriage-blessing communication?

     As you and your mate talk, are you talking with each other or are you talking at each other? Below are some tips for healthy communication.  Read through them, and honestly and carefully consider if you’re really communicating or just talking.

Reminder Tips for Clear, Healthy Communication

• Listen—Most people are tempted to zero in on one specific point brought up in conversation, rush to defend an action or position, or begin to formulate what he/she will say next.  Listen to your mate fully and carefully.
• Speak up—Say what you think.  If you mate says something you agree with, let him/her know, but also speak up if you disagree with something your spouse says.  You and your mate cannot read each other’s minds, and silence can be incorrectly interpreted as agreement or disagreement.  So, don’t leave it open for your mate to assume you mean, think, or feel something that you do not.  But remember, when you speak up, always speak in love (and always be mindful of your tone of voice).
• Speak for yourself only—Don’t presume you can answer for your mate.  Resist the temptation to say things like, “Oh, I know how you’ll answer that question,” or “It’s obvious that you think…”  Speak for yourself only.
• Be specific—If you only talk in generalities, you will tend to have lots of good intentions, but no real direction or solutions.  Also, avoid simple “yes” and “no” answers, or short answers that don’t really tell your mate anything.
• Ask clarifying questions—Take the time to ask if you don’t fully understand something your mate has shared with you.  Again, you cannot read your spouse’s mind, so make sure you truly understand what he/she is trying to communicate to you.
• Resist the impulse to lecture or give unwanted advice—Some people communicate from a “fix it” stand point (that is, they want to be problem solvers for their mate) and others communicate from a “vent it” stand point (that is, they know what to do, but they just want to share with their spouse).  Too much “fix it” can shut down communication, and too much “vent it” never leads to positive, marriage-improving action.  Share and find workable goals and solutions together.
• Don’t assume motivation—Unless it is clearly stated, you cannot presume to know someone’s motivation, or his/her thought process that led him/her to make a specific statement.
• Remember you are one flesh, not competitors—If some of your conversations involve different points of view, remember that you are covenant marriage partners, not bitter rivals.  Regrettably, in communication, some spouses are more determined to win the argument than they are to do what is best for the marriage.  Make sure you see your conversations as cooperative not competitive.

     Above all else, remember to practice your Christian life first and foremost at home with your spouse.  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29) The art of healthy communication is to keep your conversation centered in Christ, always mindful of the relationship.  The discipline of healthy communication is to not become apathetic or lazy or jaded and let your communication die, because without communication, the relationship will die.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

Please Hear Me! The 4th Axiom of Marriage

     It hurts to be ignored.  To be dismissed.  To be disregarded.  Within all of us, there is a deep-seated need to feel heard.  When we feel heard, we know we matter.  When we do not feel heard, we feel rejected, discounted, as if we do not matter.  This is true of all relationships, and especially true in marriage.

     The 4th axiom of marriage is “We all have an innate need to feel heard.  When you have a voice, you have value.” In marriage, it is critical to let your spouse know he/she has a meaningful say in your relationship.  Healthy, respectful communication requires the courage and humility to realize and acknowledge that—whether it is what you want to hear or not—your spouse has worthwhile input.

     The problem for most, however, is the false belief that if someone does not agree with me, they have not heard me.  When someone cultivates that erroneous thinking, he/she will go to one of two extremes.  On the one side, you will repeat the same thing over and over, believing your mate is simply choosing to ignore you.  Or you might attempt to present your beliefs from various angles (though usually it is just rehashing the exact same thing).  Some immediately divert to yelling.  (I’ve never understood why anyone would believe their spouse would say, “You know, when you were speaking quietly and respectfully I thought you were wrong, but now that your screaming at me, I can see how right you are.”)  Whatever the method, it becomes an endless tirade of sameness as communication degrades into questioning the other person’s love, or his/her intelligence (after all wouldn’t an intelligent person agree with me?), or questioning his/her spiritual nature.

     On the other extreme, a person may shut down communication if his/her spouse disagrees.  “Why continue talking if my mate refuses to listen,” is a common thought process.  Once communication is shut down, isolation grows deeper and deeper, and animosity and hard-heartedness toward one’s mate increases.

     Regardless of the response, communication is destroyed.  Blame, anger, disappointment, and other negative feelings quickly surfaces.  If you’re goal in communication is to make sure that your spouse believes and understands everything exactly as you do, then you are not participating in a marriage relationship—you are simply seeking to control another individual.

     So what do we do?  Even in disagreement, lovingly, gently, and respectfully acknowledge that you really, truly have heard your mate and you are aware of his/her feelings and emotions.  Accept that you are not always right, and even if you are right, your mate may need to come to the same place in a different way or at a different time.  Recognize that you have changed over time—you have not always believed everything you now believe or thought about everything exactly like you think now.  And most significantly, reaffirm your love for your spouse and your commitment to the marriage.  Pray together and seek Christ’s will and especially Christ’s peace in your life.  Remember, you are one flesh, so listen and respond to your mate in the same way you would want someone to listen to and respond to you—EVEN IN DISAGREEMENT.

     We all have an innate need to be heard.  Actively listening to and hearing your mate is critical to a healthy marriage.  But don’t shut your mate out just because he/she doesn’t always see everything exactly like you do.  God made us unique for a reason.  Use you and your mate’s uniqueness to help each other grow and mature.  And above all else, listen.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3rd Axiom of Marriage: Your perception will become your reality

     When you look at your mate, are you more likely to think about his/her flaws, short-comings, and imperfections?  Or does your covenant partner bring a smile to your face and immediately fill your heart with thoughts of kind deeds, encouraging words, and joyful times spent together? The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage is “Guard your heart and mind, because your perception will become your reality.” So the real question is what perception do you bring to your marriage?

     Please understand that I am not naïve in asking this question. Just because you want to see rainbows and butterflies, that doesn't mean it's going to happen and that you will have a fairy tale marriage. Maintaining any relationship in a healthy and productive way is going to be a challenge, and because marriage is so intimate it can be especially challenging. (If a marriage relationship doesn't present any challenges, it is very likely that one partner is being repressed in some way.) But, we tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies. If you consistently focus on the things that can disrupt and destroy your marriage eventually that’s all you will see.  Those negative things will dominate and define your marriage.

     But you can also choose to see your marriage as a place that your love for God is lived out in your relationship with your spouse. You can focus on the promises of your covenant relationship, the times you laugh together and find joy in each other, and the all the other good things within your marriage relationship (no matter how big or small). You can continually see marriage as a place of blessing and experiencing the goodness of God. Then that outlook will become your default view for your relationship and for your mate.

     Guarding your heart and mind means that you are constantly checking your perspective.  Is Christ at the center of who you are as a couple?  Are you letting selfishness define the relationship?  Do you cherish your mate?  Do you freely give and receive forgiveness?  Do you look for ways to serve your spouse?  Do you guard what you allow yourself to see and hear?  It is not a matter of a living in fear of messing up, but rather making the choices that allow you to live in the freedom to love and be loved.

     Having a positive perception of your marriage and of your mate is not a cure for problems in your relationship, and it is not an excuse to overlook or minimize issues that need to be dealt with. It is, however, a powerful barometer of the path you are setting for the future of your marriage relationship.  Guard your heart and mind, because your perception will become your reality.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2nd Axiom of Marriage, click here