In April of 2001, one of the top news stories involved a collision
between a U.S. military plane and a Chinese jet, forcing the U.S. plane to land on the
Chinese island Hainan. Twenty-four
Americans crew members were held hostage, with the Chinese facing off against
the United States. The Chinese rulers
were unwilling to let the Americans go until they received an apology from the
United States for violating their air space, but the U.S. refused, saying they
had nothing to apologize for.
Eventually, the U.S. issued an apology—sort of. The official letter from the U.S. to China was carefully worded to avoid any
admission of responsibility. Now, I am
not even going to begin to pretend I know anything about foreign policy and
dealing with national security, other nations, and the like. But I do know that in marriage, sometimes one
or both spouses can treat conflict as if it is an international incident. For most regular folks (including husbands
and wives who love each other intensely) the two hardest words in the English
language to say are “I’m sorry.”
If you Google “the art of apology” you will find countless articles,
books, and resources that tell you how and when to say “I’m sorry.” There are even books and seminars for how to
apologize to your spouse. How about this
for a simple “art of apology” in marriage:
- As soon as you realize your spouse has been hurt by something you said or did, say “I’m sorry” immediately.
- Regardless of whether or not you believe he or she should be hurt over what happened, say “I’m sorry” immediately.
- Whether or not you felt justified in what you did that hurt your mate, say “I’m sorry” immediately.
- Don’t wait, and don’t add a “but” to your apology (especially a condescending remark!); “I’m truly sorry you’re upset, but I don’t know how anyone could think that way.”
- Don’t try to blame your spouse for something you said or did to hurt him/her, “I’m sorry YOU misunderstood what I was trying to do.”
- Don’t go into long rationalizing explanations. “If you knew the day I’ve had and how what you said just triggered something within me, then I think you would be able to understand why I snapped at you.”
Now, the idea is not to walk around living in guilt or always being
the martyr in the relationship, apologizing for everything all the time. Part of marriage is living with each others
quirks. If you take offense at every
little annoyance, then you can expect to have a tumultuous and miserable
relationship. But when your spouse is
hurt, their pain is real to them whether you understand it or not. Too many times, we damage our marriage
relationships because of either foolish pride, or because we can’t accept
responsibility for our words or actions that create problems, or because we
want to move on quickly and minimize a problem rather than let our mates heal. Whether the offense is minor and easily cleared
up, or it is something major that will require days, weeks, months, or even
years of rebuilding trust, the first step is to own up to your words and
actions that hurt your mate. The first
step is always to just simply say, “I’m sorry.”
We all make mistakes. We all need
forgiveness for any relationship to work.
But the most significant move toward healing is having the humility to
say “I’m sorry.” Nothing more. Nothing
less. Just “I’m sorry.” And really, really mean it.
______________________
What does God want from my
marriage?
A Weekend
Marriage Enrichment Retreat
Friday-Sunday, September 13-15, 2013
Fall Creek Falls
State Park Inn
Limited to 25 couples
Email
dfcamp@gmail.com for more info
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Is your church doing everything it can to help facilitate healthy marriages? Are you sure? The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking. Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com