Tis the season for dressing up and
pretending. What are you going to be for
Halloween? It’s fun to run
around the neighborhood, acting silly and having fun. But when Halloween’s over, it’s time for the
masks to come off. I’m not going to work
the next day dressed as Spider-man, we aren’t going to send the kids to school in costumes
and make-up, and Lisa doesn’t want the strange looks she’d encounter if she
wore a mask at work all day.
But in marriage, one of the most difficult
things to do is to
take off our masks.
Transparency and authenticity are buzz words that are heard a lot
nowadays, but the actual practice of being honest, open, and even emotionally
raw with your mate is no easy task. Now,
I’m not suggesting using your anger, or sadness, or confusion, or even joy and
exuberance as an excuse for being disrespectful to your mate or acting out
inappropriately. But I am suggesting
that when we continually lock out our mates and refuse to let them know who we
really are “behind the mask,” we limit intimacy, hamper communication, and
create barriers to a fulfilled marriage.
When we’re dating and early on in
marriage, most people try to “put their best face forward,” showing a potential
spouse their strongest, most admirable qualities.
After marriage, a real fear can set in that one's spouse might “see you
for who you really are,” and that’s a scary prospect, because no one knows my
faults and flaws better than me. So, it can
become a lifetime distraction to continually try to hide behind the masks of the
tough superhero, or the never-serious clown, or the helpless princess, or the tragically
misunderstood monster, or the impish elf, or the crazy cartoon character, or
the perfect adventurer…the list could go on and on. It is easy to pretend to be Superman or
Wonder Woman. But it is hard to say “I’m
scared,” or “I’m confused,” or “I can’t do this alone,” or “I don’t have all the
answers, and I don’t know what to do.”
Masks can appear at any time in a marriage. They can last for a short time through a
specific stressor, or they can last for years to try and hide a perceived
deficiency. Sometimes a person wears a mask intentionally, and sometimes he/she will do it subconsciously.
Taking off the masks and being transparent
with your mate means admitting weakness, accepting help, and surrendering
yourself to someone else. Our pride
works against us doing that. The culture
tells us we shouldn’t do that. But a healthy
marriage demands we do that.
So how do we do it? First, you have to create a safe environment
for your mate to be transparent with you.
We tend to expect from others what we know we would get from
ourselves. You will never feel safe to
take off your own mask if you can’t have empathy, love, kindness, and
forgiveness for your mate in his/her weaknesses. When both mates create an ongoing environment of safety, it is infinitely
easier to show one’s real face.
Next, you have to be willing to take a
risk. It is hard to trust someone with
information about yourself that is potentially embarrassing or hurtful.
But, if you don't take that leap of faith, you will never know the
freedom of being yourself and how that will bless your marriage and your
relationship with your mate.
Finally, when you take off the mask and
the issue is laid bare, prayerfully decide how you are going to proceed
together. Whether one of you need to
seek forgiveness, or you need to grieve together, or cry together, or figure
out how to reignite intimacy—whatever the issue—recognize that you are one flesh, working for the
same goal, the good of the marriage.
Again, taking off your mask isn’t an
excuse to become a victim, or to be verbally, emotionally, socially, or spiritually abusive to your
mate. It is a chance to find strength in
your weakness so that you can bless each other and glorify Christ in your
marriage. Are you wearing a mask that you need to take off?
*Please
note in this post, I am not talking about ongoing affairs, substance abuse, or pathological
issues that require professional intervention.
_____________________
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individual couples, in small groups, or in a Bible class? Check out Marriage:
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