Expectations are
necessary for all relationships. Without
expectations, it would be impossible to function in a normal and healthy
manner. It is important for a couple to
recognize how expectations are communicated, how they function to make a
relationship healthy or unhealthy, and how they are processed. If a couple doesn’t communicate their
expectations in a clear, concise manner, they leave the door open for
resentment, anger, and disappointment. With
that in mind, here are five questions about expectations every couple should consider:
How are expectations communicated?
Verbalized—Verbalized
expectations are when you explicitly state what you want or need from your
spouse, or what each of you will do within the context of the relationship.
or
Projected—Projected
expectations are not vocalized because you believe your spouse should instinctively
know to do or not do something based on your own beliefs or life
experiences.
Projected
expectations are often unfair (how can your spouse do something he/she doesn’t
know they are supposed to do?) and lead to resentment.
How are expectations expressed?
Roles—Role
expectations are deciding who will do the physical tasks within the
relationship (who takes out the trash, who manages the money, who takes care of
the kids, etc.).
and
Character—Character
expectations are the intangible qualities that are necessary for maintaining
safety in a relationship (trust, integrity, faithfulness, etc.).
Character
expectations are often exhibited through roles.
How are expectations perceived?
Unrealistic—Unrealistic
expectations are when you expect too much out of yourself or your mate. This can come in the form
of unrealistic expectations about one's skills and abilities, available time, access to resources, etc.
or
Realistic—Realistic
expectations may (and sometimes should) still challenge you or your mate, but
they will not create a level of wants that leads to perpetual disappointment or
frustration.
Unrealistic
expectations create pressure, diminish the quality of the relationship, and
normally end in frustration and/or disappointment.
How long do expectations last?
Ongoing—Ongoing
expectations are expectations that last throughout the relationship and will
not change (For example, I expect my spouse will always be honest with me, or I
expect my spouse will not cheat on me).
or
Seasonal—Seasonal
expectations are expectations that are dependent on a particular stage of life
or event, but may not be present for the entire relationship (For example, when
a new baby is born, the husband may have to take over some of the roles the
wife was normally expected to do prior to the new arrival, or when one spouse’s
health declines the other spouse may need to readjust his/her expectations of
mobility, or self-care, or intimacy, etc.).
Always be aware of the emotional needs that accompany both ongoing and seasonal expectations.
What do expectations reveal?
Love—Expectations
that come from a place of love seek what is best for the marriage—what will
lead to good communication, healthy conflict resolution, and an ongoing desire
for personal self-evaluation and improvement.
or
Control—Expectations
that come from a place of control quickly become intolerant, unforgiving
demands that are forced on your mate to satisfy your own selfish nature rather
than bless the marriage.
Loving expectations draw you closer to your mate as you draw closer to God. If you are not drawing closer to God as a couple, you may be seeking control rather than demonstrating love.
In
a safe, strong relationship, a couple will regularly re-visit their
expectations of each other, particularly during significant stages/changes in
life. Having a healthy understanding of
expectations allows for better communication, conflict resolution,
decision-making, connectedness, intimacy, and spiritual growth. How long has it been since you and your mate
honestly asked, “What are you expecting?”