Where are you going for Thanksgiving? What are your plans for Christmas Eve
or Christmas Day? Are your holidays normally an enjoyable time with
family—a time you can laugh together, share together, and reflect on the goodness
of God in your lives—or are your holidays a stress-inducing nightmare that you
wish would end quickly. (Or maybe it’s a combination of both.)
While we all dream of perfect, peaceful holidays, few find it.
When you marry someone, you marry into a whole other family. And with
another family comes another set of holiday traditions, immediate in-laws,
extended family, in-laws’ family, and an ever growing web of folks to
accommodate in one way or another. The different demands and expectations
that others place on a couple, or that a couple places on themselves, can set
the stage for tension and conflict throughout the holiday season.
The holidays can be a festive time, but they can also be a time of anger,
conflict, and stress in a marriage. It's amazing how much distress we can
bring upon ourselves when we're driven by guilt, ("You can't be the
first person in the family to not make it home for Christmas Eve dinner in the
last 27 years."), obligation ("I think we can make the
hundred mile drive between both our parents' houses on Christmas morning, and then still
stop by Aunt Joan's that night."), and worry ("We have to
go. What if something happens between now and next Christmas, and this is
the last Christmas I can see them.").
So how can a husband and wife protect their marriage, honor their families, and
still enjoy the holidays? Every couple has to figure out how to navigate
the waters themselves depending on their circumstances, but here are a few
general thoughts:
- First,
create your own traditions and guard them zealously. If Santa
comes to your house on Christmas morning, don’t let someone guilt you into
giving that up. Set boundaries together long before the holiday season
hits, deciding where you will and will not go and what you will and will not do,
and stick to those boundaries.
- Second,
recognize that things may have to change as your family changes.
Kids grow up. In-laws are introduced into the equation. Jobs
change. People move. Health changes. Seek some normalcy, but
recognize that life happens, and sometimes it can happen very quickly and very
unexpectedly.
- Third,
be keenly aware of the emotional impact those
changes can bring. Is this the first holiday season without Dad? Is this the first time a recently married
child will be spending the holidays with his/her new in-laws and not see you at
all? Are there major health changes that
have created new challenges for the holidays?
If so, it's okay to be emotional about those things. Be prepared to give you and/or your mate
space to grieve.
- Fourth,
don’t become what you say you don’t like. Think about the things
that cause you stress during the holidays, and don’t do the same thing to
others. If you felt guilty every time you heard “I guess they just
won’t get to see their grandparents on Christmas day,” then don’t do the
same to your kids. If you hated running to a dozen different places,
don’t ask your family to spend the entire holiday on the road. And
certainly, don’t use manipulative tactics to satisfy your own selfishness.
- And
finally, don’t miss out on the spiritual blessing of the holiday.
The word “holiday” means “holy day.” Make it a priority to let the
holidays include at least some time of spiritual renewal for you and your
spouse together.
Nobody wants to offend and alienate family, especially during a time that’s
supposed to be joyful and peaceful. Ultimately you have to decide if you
are going to be angry and resentful (at your spouse, at your in-laws, or at
anyone else), or if you’re going to let the holiday be a blessing to you and to
your marriage.
_____________________
Looking
for a fun, practical, Biblically-based, couples' study that can be used with
individual couples, in small groups, or in a Bible class? Check out Marriage:
A Blessed Promise. It's less than four bucks and available now
from 21st Century Christian. Makes a great, inexpensive Christmas gift
that will have lasting benefits. Order online here.
