With temps in the upper 60's in the middle of last week, it seems hard to believe
that this weekend we are snowbound, with virtually everything coming to a
standstill.
When the
snow hit, my wife and I had a layer of ice on our front porch and driveway, the back yard was covered in ice and snow, everything looked white
and frozen, and it was pretty easy to believe that we were cut off and alone.
But the
reality was there were tire tracks in the snow on the road in front of our house, and at the end of that road the ice had already turned
slushy. The next road was even more clear, and by the
time I got to the main thoroughfares, traffic was humming along almost like normal.
But, until we could see beyond our front porch, we made some pretty dire
assumptions about our situation.
Has that
ever happened to you in your marriage? You feel isolated and cut
off? Because you only see what’s closest to you, your perspective
narrows. All you can see is the ice and snow surrounding your
house. You want it to be different, but you don’t even know where to
begin to imagine different. The worry, or fear, or anger, or guilt, or disappointment keeps you from
recognizing that there are other possibilities.
Sometimes
our isolation is of our own doing. One spouse throws out an ill-timed,
poorly thought-out comment, and the cold front moves in. The other spouse
responds out of anger rather than engaging in healthy discussion, and the precipitation
begins. Pride sets in, escalation occurs, and the situation grows
steadily worse until both mates begin to feel alone and cut off from everything
else, especially each other. As hurt feelings linger, it becomes harder
and harder to see anything other than the ice and snow immediately surrounding
the situation.
And
sometimes, our isolation is a result of circumstances we have no control
over. He receives the diagnosis he didn’t want to hear. But rather
than letting his wife in to walk with him through the dark valley, he pushes
her away. And the layer of ice begins to form. She thinks nobody
could ever understand the pain she is going through as the conflict between her
and her mother deepens, so she takes out her frustration on her husband, and
path to togetherness gets more inaccessible. A teen’s behavior creates
tension in the house, and husband and wife are at odds over how to handle
it. So as the wedge widens, each spouse begin to feel lost and alone.
When
tension rises, it is easy for spouses to begin to isolate themselves.
Something happens that raises our hackles, and our brains kick in the “fight,
flight, or freeze” response. Rather than engaging in godly, healthy
productive communication and conflict management, we throw up protective walls,
or hurl back hurtful words shot-for-shot, or run away and try to hide.
But you
don’t have to remain snowbound. You can get unstuck. Here are a few
things to help:
- Take
a deep breath—I know it sounds cliché, but rather
than letting your “survival instincts” take over, give a second for your
reasoning-brain-responses to engage. You probably still won’t like what’s
going on, but at least you can respond rationally and calmly.
- Remember
that this is a single incident, not your entire marriage—The snow will melt and life will eventually resume.
Don’t do more damage while you are snowbound by escalating the conflict.
- Humility
and selflessness go a long way—When
both spouses feel trapped and feelings are running high, go out of your way to
take care of your mate’s emotional needs.
- Continually
return to the “one flesh” principle—“One
flesh” means that I will not do or say anything to you that I would not want
done or said to me, because to hurt you is to hurt me. You will survive
best together, not alone.
- And
finally, seek help if necessary—You
might feel trapped, but there are still others out there who are willing and
able to help you walk through whatever issues you’re struggling with.
Have the courage to seek them out. (Please note, this is NOT finding
someone to side with you. It is finding a person or a couple you and your
spouse both know loves you enough to help—even if the truth hurts.)
It’s tough
to be trapped, wondering when the bread and milk are going to run out, and when
the ice and snow will finally melt. But in marriage, you’re not
alone. Don’t let conflict cause you to lose your perspective and become
snowbound.
