The Marriage Blog: December 2018

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Shout it from the mountaintops!

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them.

In this brief passage from Luke 2:8-18, the single most important announcement in history is delivered—in the person of Jesus Christ, God has come into the world! The shepherds receive the good news and are told specifically what signs to look for as they search out God among us.

Although we are not heavenly beings like the angels on high, in Christian marriage, we are called by God to carry the same commission—to announce the presence of God in the world. While we do not announce the birth of a baby, we do announce the presence of a King. And just as the angels told the shepherds what to look for, there are definitive signs that will validate our announcement.

When you love your spouse, when you seek his/her well-being above your own, when you forgive, when you speak words of blessing and encouragement into your mate’s life, when you provide a place of safety and goodness, when grace and mercy flow freely, when God reigns in your hearts and in your home, when you live out your faith first-and-foremost with your spouse—in those moments, you loudly and powerfully proclaim that Jesus Christ, the Lord and Messiah, has come into this world and is living among us.

Please, let your marriage “shout it from the mountaintops” —the good news that will cause great joy for all the people—Jesus is here.

Thursday, December 13, 2018

Change is coming! The 10th Axiom of Marriage

Aren’t you glad that you and your spouse are exactly like you were when you married. Isn’t it great that you still both look exactly the same, think exactly the same, act and react exactly the same, and that life hasn’t thrown you any circumstances that have radically reoriented your marriage relationship. I sure am glad that is the case for Lisa and me.

Obviously, I’m being a bit facetious and sarcastic. Whether you’ve been married less than a month or over 60 years, as you and your covenant lover go through life together, the only guarantee that you have is the 10^th Axiom of Marriage: In marriage, THINGS WILL CHANGE, and your relationship will be dependent on how you and your spouse navigate changes. Everything—physical health, communication, intimacy, family relationships, (possibly) mental health, social relationships, spirituality—will change. Sometimes change comes slowly and sometimes change comes quickly. However it happens, you have to expect change.

The key question is how will you respond when change happens? Remember, no matter what stage you are at in your marriage, Satan will always be working to destroy your covenant relationship, either through neglect or through more aggressive means. When your spouse doesn’t look like she used to, do you begin comparing her unfavorably to others? When your sex life changes, do you seek intimate connections elsewhere? When your mate’s spiritual beliefs change, do you condemn him or recognize that you are both on a spiritual journey and he may be at a different place? When age or illness causes physical disabilities, do you see helping her as a burden or as a blessing? When he has a hard time relating to your adult children, do you talk negatively about him in front of the kids, or help him through that difficult transition? Remember, Satan is always looking for changes in your marriage relationship that can be exploited to drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

Obviously, every couple is different and is living out their own unique story. However, here are some general thoughts for navigating change:

Keep your relationship anchored in Christ. It is always easy to let your marriage become directed by the world, but your love for God is always evidenced by how you love your spouse. Pray with each other always.
Remind yourself of your marriage covenant on a regular basis. Whether it’s re-watching your marriage video, renewing your vows, or just reflecting daily on the blessings your spouse brings to your life, continually reinforce a positive perspective of your marriage relationship.
Express your love both in word and in deed often. Your mate needs to hear and see your love on a regular basis so that there is never any doubt in his/her mind.
How you communicate might change, but don’t let communication die or the relationship will die with it. Without communication spouses become isolated and lose connection with each other. Healthy, regular communication is necessary for any relationship to work.
Consistently revisit your expectations (personally, for each other, and for the marriage). Do this especially when changes occur. When life takes you in a different direction, it is too easy to assume your mate will know what you think, feel, or need, and then to become upset or offended when he/she doesn’t respond accordingly.
Handle conflict in a timely manner. If conflict is not addressed, walls will build up between you and your spouse.
Practice forgiveness on an ongoing basis. Forgive your mate and forgive yourself. Don’t let the poisonous root of anger, resentment, and guilt kill your marriage.
Continually guard each other’s hearts and minds. Proverbs 4:23 reminds us that it is the well-spring of life; your own personal spiritual life and the life of your marriage.
How you express intimacy may have to change, but don’t let intimacy slip away. Showing intimacy—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and spiritually—is always necessary for a healthy connection.
Recognize the power and necessity of acceptance. Your spouse won’t always look the same. Your spouse may not always think about things exactly the same. You may face changes in your family structure. When changes occur, it is critical to let your spouse know that you accept him/her for who he/she is. To bemoan what you cannot change is hurtful to your spouse and negatively impacts your marriage.
Constantly check where you are spending your time and your resources because that is what you value. Your resources always flow to your priorities, so at every stage, with every significant change, verify what is really important to you.
Don’t wait until the elusive “later” to enjoy your time and do things with your mate. It is always easy to wait for “a more convenient time,” but tomorrow doesn’t always come. Live within your means, but don’t live with regrets over the simple pleasures in life that you were too busy to enjoy.
Play together and laugh together often. Few things can connect you to your mate as intimately and powerfully as playing together. And, when the uncertainty of change looms darkly on the horizon, shared play and laughter can alleviate anxiety and worry better than anything else.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. There is no shame in needing help. When different experiences of life present problems you’ve never encountered before, seek the counsel of other godly couples who have walked that road ahead of you.
And most importantly, use your marriage in God’s kingdom at every step. The list of ways you can use your marriage to serve God’s Kingdom is endless. And what you are able to do at one stage of life might be different from what you are able to do at another. Just be intentional to do something together to serve God’s Kingdom at every step of the way.

Change is often confusing and trying. We are resistant to change because it is frequently accompanied by the unknown, and that can be scary. The blessed promise of a Christ-centered marriage is that God has given us someone with whom we can face the challenges of life. Whether we are singing praises to God on a mountain top or walking through the valley of the shadow of death, we know God is with us because our spouse is with us.

Together, embrace the joys and blessings that come with each stage of life. Together, love each other through the hardships and pain. Together, use your marriage powerfully in God’s Kingdom. Be the very presence of Christ for your mate in every way possible—in love, in forgiveness, in grace, in mercy, in selflessness, and in goodness. When you do that, change will still happen…but it will be a whole lot less disorienting.

_________________________

To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 8^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 9^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

Monday, December 3, 2018

What's Really Important? The 9th Axiom of Marriage

You can tell me all day long what is important to you and your spouse, individually or as a couple. But if I can see your checkbook register and your daily schedule, I’ll tell you what’s really important to you. The 9^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Your resources always flow to your priorities. Where you spend your time and your money indicates where your priorities lie within a marriage.” This is an inescapable truth. Your time and your money will always go to your priorities. And in a marriage relationship, it will be the strongest mirror of what is important to each spouse individually, and the main indicator of whether or not you and your spouse are on the same page about what is really important to you as a couple.

When a couple agrees on how to spend time and finances, you are bringing your priorities together. All of your relational priorities—spiritual, emotional, social, intellectual, and intimate—are revealed in the physical realities of how you use your two greatest resources. While you may not always be in 100% agreement, you and your spouse need equal input on how you manage your money and time. In marriage you are one, not two living in the same household. The way you use your time and money is a gauge—it is a gauge of your love, respect, and honor for your spouse. Equal input builds up those qualities, while giving you a deeper understanding of what is important to each of you individually and what is really important to you together as a couple.

For some couples, there is a real temptation to say, “Our time and money don’t say much about our priorities, because we don’t have enough of either to say anything.” But the reality is, that is when it says the most about what you and your mate value. When hard choices and sacrifices have to be made, that is when our strongest priorities rise to the surface. It is in times of want that you best see you and your mate’s core convictions, desires, and drives.

Whether you are living in a time of plenty or a time of need, a busy season of life or a time of relaxation—I would challenge you to sit down with your spouse and take an honest look at where your money and time are going. Compare your calendars and see where you are spending time, both individually and together. Look at your finances. As your priorities come to light, ask yourself some questions.

"According to where we spend our time and money..."

...what do I value most?
...what does my spouse value most?
...how aware are we of each other’s priorities (actual priorities as reflected by the daily schedules and bank statements, not just what we wish for or proclaim)?
...are our values in line with each other, or in contrast to each other?
...do I try to hide or distract my mate from where I am spending time or money?
...what do our priorities say about marriage, children, family, and having appropriate boundaries?
...most importantly, what does the flow of our resources say about our spirituality and how we use our marriage within the Kingdom of God?

Honestly evaluating one’s self and together honestly evaluating the marriage relationship can be a sobering undertaking. But knowing your priorities, knowing your spouse’s priorities, and knowing where your priorities line up and where they diverge will open up new conversations—conversations that will lead to a healthier marriage and a better understanding of each other.