A Couple's Guide to Surviving the Holidays

     Where did you go for Thanksgiving?  What are your plans for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?  Are your holidays normally an enjoyable time with family—a time you can laugh together, share together, and reflect on the goodness of God in your lives—or are your holidays a stress-inducing nightmare that you wish would end quickly.  (Or maybe it’s a combination of both.)  While we all dream of perfect, peaceful holidays, few find it.

     When you marry someone, you marry into a whole other family.  And with another family comes another set of holiday traditions, immediate in-laws, extended family, in-laws’ family, and an ever growing web of folks to accommodate in one way or another.  The different demands and expectations that others place on a couple, or that a couple places on themselves, can set the stage for tension and conflict throughout the holiday season.  

     The holidays can be a festive time, but they can also be a time of anger, conflict, and stress in a marriage.  It's amazing how much distress we can bring upon ourselves when we're driven by guilt, ("You can't be the first person in the family to not make it home for Christmas Eve dinner in the last 27 years."), obligation ("I think we can make the hundred mile drive between both houses on Christmas morning, and then still stop by Aunt Joan's that night."), and worry ("We have to go.  What if something happens between now and next Christmas, and this is the last Christmas I can see them.").
     So how can a husband and wife protect their marriage, honor their families, and still enjoy the holidays?  Every couple has to figure out how to navigate the waters themselves depending on their circumstances, but here are a few general thoughts:

• First, create your own traditions and guard them zealously.  If Santa comes to your house on Christmas morning, don’t let someone guilt you into giving that up.  Set boundaries together long before the holiday season hits, deciding where you will and will not go and what you will and will not do, and stick to those boundaries.
• Second, recognize that things may have to change as your family changes.  Kids grow up.  In-laws are introduced into the equation.  Jobs change.  People move.  Health changes.  Seek some normalcy, but recognize that life happens, and sometimes it can happen very quickly and very unexpectedly.
• Third, give your spouse space to grieve when a long standing tradition has to change.  If it truly is the first time in 27 years he/she hasn't been in his/her parents' home at Christmas, or the first time grandma's health won't allow her to cook Christmas dinner, or the first time your kids won't be sleeping in their beds on Christmas Eve, it's okay to be emotional about that.
• Fourth, don’t become what you say you don’t like.  Think about the things that cause you stress during the holidays, and don’t do the same thing to others.  If you felt guilty every time you heard “I guess they just won’t get to see their grandparents on Christmas day,” then don’t do the same to your kids.  If you hated running to a dozen different places, don’t ask your family to spend the entire holiday on the road.  And certainly, don’t use manipulative tactics to satisfy your own selfishness.
• And finally, don’t miss out on the spiritual blessing of the holiday.  The word “holiday” means “holy day.”  Make it a priority to let the holidays include at least some time of spiritual renewal for you and your spouse together.

     Nobody wants to offend and alienate family, especially during a time that’s supposed to be joyful and peaceful.  Ultimately you have to decide if you are going to be angry and resentful (at your spouse, at your in-laws, or at anyone else), or if you’re going to let the holiday be a blessing to you and to your marriage.

Marriage and Holy Week: Woe! Red Flags!

     It’s Wednesday.  The teachers of the Law and the Pharisees have relentlessly tried to discredit Jesus.  They look for any misstep, any careless word that they can use against him. Time and time again Jesus confounds them, turning their own scenarios, their own logic back on them—but always looking to the heart of God to do so, always looking for ways to give others worth and value as sons and daughters of God.

     But now, it was time to do more than escape their traps.  Now it was time to engage them head on.  As Jesus spoke to the crowd, within the full hearing of those jealous critics who sought to destroy him, he didn’t pull any punches as he called them out.  He called the teachers of the Law and the Pharisees hypocrites, false teachers, wicked men who put on a good show of righteousness.  He noted how they only cared for themselves and not for others who were also made in the image of God.  He was disgusted by how they pursued being legalistically right, but knew nothing of true, God-honoring righteousness.  He called them “a brood of vipers,” deadly and poisonous.

     Make no mistake, though.  Jesus didn’t call out the teachers of the Law and the Pharisees as some sort of “feel good” revenge.  He wasn’t reducing himself to the same level of pettiness that they exuded, or trying to publicly humiliate them just because they had tried so many times to do the same to him.  He called them out because he wanted them to change; to become God’s emissaries of hope and healing and community for God’s people.  Jesus was staking out the red flags to try and get them to turn from the path they were on and turn to where God was calling them.

     Sometimes, in our marriages, we need someone who loves us enough to call us out.  We need someone to plant the red flags, to tell us the truth, even if it is painful.

• If you continue down this path, you will bankrupt your family.
• You’re letting your extracurricular activities take too much time away from your marriage.
• You were too flirty with that other woman.
• You’re giving that other man the emotional investment you should only be giving to your husband.
• You’re letting your children rule the family.
• Your selfishness is driving your wife away.
• The way you are talking to your husband is humiliating him.

I don’t know what your situation might be, but typically, when others love us enough to call us out, the reaction is denial, justification, argument, or whatever else it takes to preserve the status quo.  Why?  Because change is often painful, even if it will lead to something better later.  But without change, the relationship will suffer, and the marriage will continue down a path of self-destruction.

     Don’t be stubborn, stuck, and dead-set on doing it your way no matter what. Heed the warning, endure the pain, and save the marriage.  You are only “a brood of vipers” as long as you ignore the red flags and choose to continue to be “a brood of vipers.”

Marriage and Holy Week: Enemies at Work

     “What will you give me to deliver him to you?”  That was the question Judas asked the chief priests.  He knew their jealousy drove them to hate Jesus.  He knew they would pay nicely for someone from Jesus inner circle to help them.  An “innocent enough question” would drive their jealous to the same levels as his greed, and from within and from without, a deal was struck.  Now it was just a matter of waiting for the opportune time.

     Peter reminds us that our enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8).  Our American culture has taught us to read scripture primarily on an individual level.  And certainly there is a personal diligence we must maintain.  But I believe that if you are called to marriage, then you should also read scripture on a couple level.  What is the Word saying not just to you, but to you and your spouse as you live out being “one flesh.”  With that in mind, how is the devil prowling around your marriage, just as he prowled around waiting to enter into Judas’ heart?

     Certainly, the devil works from within.  Judas’ greed compelled him to continually seek selfish gain, and the devil was able to easily capitalize on that.  Is there some area of your heart that the devil continually circles and prowls around? Maybe it becomes easy for him to justify spending extra time with the secretary when he knows there is an attraction.  Or perhaps she feels it would be easier to hide the credit card than to have another argument over money.  He rationalizes why he deserves to watch pornography on the computer if she is denying him intimately.  She decides the return on career-advancement by isolating herself with work for months-on-end is worth what she loses in time spent with her husband.

     And the devil works from outside, just as he used the chief priests’ jealousy to apply pressure and keep the situation as volatile as possible.  What outside pressures are hungrily circling your covenant relationship?  Her parents constantly try to insert themselves into her marriage and then expect her to criticize him for “not being willing to accept help.”  A female friend who’s gone through a bad break up wants to meet him alone for lunch to talk because “he’s always been a good listener.”  Friends tell the couple that if they watch the latest sex-driven movie it will spice up their love life.

     Be alert!  It doesn’t matter what form the temptation comes in, or if it comes from within or without.  The devil doesn’t give up.  The enemy is constantly at work.  Looking for weak spots.  Teasing.  Promising.  Lying.  Doing whatever it takes to find susceptibility.  Trying to see at what price you’re willing to sell out your marriage.

     Your marriage is worth far more than any 30 pieces of silver.  Keep it centered in Christ, and help each other keep the devil at bay.

Marriage and Holy Week: Cleaning House

     God’s temple stood as a symbol of hope and healing for the nations.  A place that beckoned everyone to come to know God.  A place of worship and community, forgiveness and grace.

     It was Monday. As Jesus walked past the temple, he knew what it was supposed to be.  He saw what it had become; a marketplace.  A place to make a profit off of those least likely to be able to afford it.  A shortcut from one side of the city to the other.  A place to live in an existence cut off from God while in the shadow of God’s temple.  In short, it had become a mockery of what it was supposed to be.  The sacrifices still went on, the priest still did their duties, and the ritual was in place, but the people and things surrounding the temple had lost their way.  The bright light of the temple was dulled and tarnished.  And Jesus couldn’t take it any longer.

     Zeal for the Lord’s temple consumed Jesus, and Jesus cleaned house.  He turned over the money-changers’ tables, drove out those selling animals and profiting off of visitors, and cracked a whip at those who couldn’t see God even though God’s Mercy Seat was just yards away.  For the holy to abide, the clutter could not reside.

     Marriage is a holy, covenant union.  Christian marriage is meant to be something more than just two people living together and generally getting along.  It is meant to be a light, a symbol, something that calls others to God.  Within their relationship, a husband and wife and how they treat each other, are to show God’s love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, and goodness to the world.

     But if we’re not careful our marriages can become tainted—cluttered with distractions, short cuts, and selfishness, rather than glowing with the light of God’s presence.

     Often, the distractions are not something a couple intends, but life happens.  Work picks up, children’s schedules run rampant, distractions fill our world, and it becomes easier to take care of one’s self than to tend to your spouse.

     If left to its own ends, the distractions and lack of proper focus will eventually create distance between husband and wife.  Communication will break down, emotions will run too hot or too cold, and the marriage will take a back seat to “what I want” and “what I need.”

     When that happens, it’s time for a house cleaning.  It’s time to get radical, to get zealous for your marriage, and to get rid of the clutter that is keeping your marriage from fulfilling its Kingdom-purpose.  Whether it is something you have to do individually (listening better, being more helpful around the house, cutting out pornography or other addictive behaviors, becoming financially responsible, or whatever else), or whether it is something you have to do as a couple (start praying together again, surrender yourselves to each other, allow yourself to be transparent and authentic, talk more, be friends again, put the marriage before other relationships (including other family), etc.), clean house so that your marriage will continually point you and others toward Christ.

Marriage and Holy Week: Celebrate!

          It was Sunday—the beginning of a week-long celebration leading up to Passover.  Anticipation was high.  As Jesus entered Jerusalem, people lined the streets.  Shouts of “Hosanna!” rang out.  Palm branches and coats covered the road way.  When detractors tried to shut it down, they were told that nothing will stop the anticipation and the celebration—and if they try, the stones will cry out in praise.

     Anticipation is a powerful force.  Do you remember the giddy, excited feeling you would get as a child waiting for the Easter Bunny to come visit?  Or looking forward to a birthday party, or finally getting your driver’s license?  Do you remember the anticipation you felt as your wedding date drew nearer?  Maybe you have felt the excitement of a spouse returning from a tour of duty overseas, or signs of improvement after a long illness.  Big or small, anticipation can be a powerful, positive driving force in a relationship.  And anticipation often leads to celebration.

     Relationships aren’t perfect.  Sometimes, when there is conflict in the past or difficulty on the horizon, it is tough to find joy in anticipation and celebrate the goodness of the present.  But every couple needs times of celebration in their marriage.  In spite of the good feelings of the moment and the powerful accolades from the crowd, Jesus wasn’t oblivious to the fact that his week would take him to the cross.  But that was Friday, and on Sunday he lived in the moment and relished the celebration going on around him.  He saw God’s presence, and he saw how his participation blessed others. 

     I don’t know what’s going on in your marriage.  I sincerely hope you are enjoying a season of peace and goodness.  But even if you are not, look for the positive moments you can celebrate with your spouse.  Celebrate the good things, no matter how short-lived or how long, that remind you of your covenant love for each other.  Celebrate because darker days may be ahead, but so is hope.

Ground Hog's Day and Marriage...

    Well, Punxsutawney Phil, the nation’s unofficial official groundhog, has made his appearance for 2019. The ultimate question that he has to answer every year is, “Is winter almost over, or is there more bad weather to come?”  Now, if you live in a climate that is warm year round, then you probably don’t care.  But if you live in a place that has been slammed by snow and ice, you’re probably looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.  You’ve survived, but you are tired, isolated, and ready for something better.

     Have you ever been at that point in your marriage?  Marriage is always a challenge, because you are bringing together two imperfect people who will make mistakes from time to time.  Any marriage will have times of joy, excitement, and life, but it will also have times of sadness, stress, and lifeless broken-heartedness.  When we are walking through the dark valleys of pain and loneliness, we want to know when it will finally be over and we will see the sun again.  “The car repair will cost how much?”  “Are you sure that is the diagnosis?”  “Our child was caught doing what?”  “My job is being ‘phased out’ how soon?”  “How much longer does my sister have?”  “Why is our church in such an uproar?”  “Where will we find the time to take care of that?”

     When the days come, and your marriage feels the strain of your seemingly never ending "winter of discontent," here are a few things that can make the long nights easier.

     First, do your best to maintain a healthy environment for your marriage.  Encourage each other.  Show gratitude.  Give compliments. As you are able, take on tasks the other one normally does.  Speak your love and show your love, even if the emotion is not present at the moment.  This is not always easy, especially if you feel like lately all you do is argue, but it is so important during these times to do everything you can to cultivate a good environment.

     Second, pray together often.  Pray during times of conflict.  Pray honestly.  Pray humbly.  Give God thanks as much as you pray for things you need.  Pray for each other.  Especially pray with each other.

     Third, don’t isolate yourself.  It is easy to feel alone during stressful times.  Sometimes a spouse doesn’t know what to say to his/her mate, but the mistake we make is withdrawing if we don’t know what to say.  If you mate is hurting, just be present for him/her.  One of the greatest blessings of marriage is that you have someone to walk with you through the dark valley. 

     Fourth, forgive.  Your spouse will make mistakes, but you will too.  If you both keep score of offenses, you will be locked in a downward spiral.  Failure to forgive is poison to a marriage relationship.

     Fifth, find hope.  During stressful times, it is easy to see everything through a dark filter.  Celebrate every victory, no matter how seemingly insignificant, and keep your hope alive.  If a dark shadow is hovering over your relationship, look for any place that a sunbeam can break through.  Our perception becomes our reality, and hope creates a positive perspective that will help a couple survive.

     In case you didn’t hear, Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow this morning.  If you believe large rodents can predict the weather, we are in for an early spring.  Spring is coming! Even if the shadows of your current circumstances mean prolonged or even permanent changes in your relationship, find your hope in God and your strength in each other.  Spring is just around the corner.

A Valentine's Day gift the keeps on giving...

     Valentine’s Day is fast approaching.  I want to share a suggestion for a gift for your spouse that won’t cost you much and can keep on giving for weeks, months, and even years beyond the holiday.  (This isn’t just tied to Valentine’s Day.  It can be done anytime of the year.)

     First, make a list of one hundred things you love about your spouse.  Yes, one hundred.  They can be big things, little things, daily things, special things, intimate things, ways your spouse blesses your life—whatever you can think of.  Just be specific so that there's no question about what you're referring to and why that reason makes you love your spouse more.

     Then, buy 100 blank business cards and a business card holder that can hold 100 cards.  You can get these supplies at Wal-Mart, Target, or any office supply store, and your total investment should be about $20 or less.

     Next, print the reasons you love your spouse on the cards, one reason per card, and be sure to number the cards 1 of 100, 2 of 100, etc.

     Then, hide all of the cards (except the first one) around the house in places that match the reason you’re stating for loving your spouse.  For instance, if you have a card that says, “I love you because you always fix great meals,” you could put that card in the pantry.

If you have a card that says, “I love you because you’re a great kisser,” you might place that card where she keeps her lipstick

If you have a card that says, “I love you because I always have clean clothes,” you could leave that one with the laundry supplies.

Or if you have a card that says, “I love you because you always pray with me,” you might tuck that card in his Bible. 

And where you hide the cards can be as creative as under the pillow, to your mate's underwear drawer, to the steering wheel of his/her car, to the bathroom mirror, to taping it to the ceiling above your spouse's spot in the bed.  You get the idea.

     Finally, give your spouse the card holder with the first card already in it.  Let your spouse know you really love him/her and that over the next several days or weeks (or however long it takes) he/she will be reminded of those reasons as new cards are discovered.  (The “x of 100” numbering on the cards will let your spouse know how many total cards he/she is looking for, and help track how many cards are still out there to be discovered.)  Eventually, your mate will have a card holder full of expressions of your love for him/her.  This will be something your spouse can continually go back to, to remind him/her of your adoration and your commitment to your marriage covenant. 

     Encouragement is a powerful tool for keeping a marriage strong and keeping intimacy alive.  For just a couple of hours of time and effort, you can say something positive to your mate for years to come.

Fight the Fizzle...

Something interesting happens at the YMCA for the first couple of weeks of January every year.  Every year in January, a whole bunch of new faces show up at the Y; people who’ve made it their new year’s resolution to lose weight, or get fit, or whatever.  These folks come in gung ho, ready to change their lives for the better.

     And then, it gets to about this time in January.  At the end of the month, the majority of those new faces are gone.  The determination has waned, the sacrifice necessary for change has proved too painful, or too inconvenient, or too costly.  So, they quit.  They fizzle out.

     Many promise themselves they will start up again soon.  They may even show up for an hour every couple of weeks, and then every month, and then every three months, and then…nothing.  For whatever reason, the end result that they dreamed of obtaining is no longer worth the journey it will take to get there.

     Did you and your spouse make resolutions together for your marriage for the new year (and together is the key word here!)?  Did you decide on things that you can do to bring you closer to each other as you draw nearer to God?  Did you talk about what your joint ministry and mission will be for 2019?  Did you talk about what you need to do as a couple to bring hope and encouragement to each other, to make each other feel safe, to bless each other’s lives, and to center your marriage in Christ?  If not, start those conversations now.

     If you have started doing these things, be on your guard against fizzling out.  There will always be excuses to not do something.

“There’s not enough time.”

“I’m too tired.”

“Is my spouse really noticing anyway?”

“I’m not really seeing any benefit in doing this.”

“It’s just a little break.  I'm sure I'll get back to it soon.” 

The devil will provide ample excuses to quit.  Don’t let him draw you away from your resolve to use your marriage to bless each other and to work together in the Kingdom of God.  We all get tired.  We all ask questions.  We all have set backs.  And from time to time, we all want to quit.  But when those times come, fight through the fizzle.

     You might not always be able to see it in the moment, but the end result is worth the cost of the journey.