Waiting

     It’s Saturday.  It is a God-ordained day of rest.  But there is no rest from grief, disappointment, emptiness.  The disciples’ minds are flooded—the things Jesus said, the things he did—Jesus gave them such hope.  And now he is lying in a grave.  In a guarded tomb no less.  They think about what they might could have said differently, or done different, to change where they were at now.  But that is wishful thinking, and the reality now is that Jesus is dead and they are left waiting.  Will things get worse?  Will the enemies who are now gloating in their victory hunt down the remaining disciples?  Will the disciples just scatter to the wind and be forgotten?  Do they keep looking for the Messiah they’d hoped Jesus would be?  It is a Saturday of waiting.

     Have you ever had a period of waiting in your marriage?  The words or actions have passed and the damage is done.  Regret has already been expressed.  If stubborn pride or paralyzing fear hasn’t kicked in, reconciliation might even already be in process.  But the sense of any kind of hope, any kind of normalcy is yet to appear on the horizon.

     Maybe you are thinking to yourself, “How did we get here?” or “Where do we go from here?” or “Why does being here hurt so much?  Why does just…well just “being” hurt so much right now?”  Hindsight is twenty-twenty, but the moment of waiting is painfully present.

     In my experience counseling couples, waiting is usually the toughest part of the process.  Our microwave society makes us want to hurry things along, force something to happen, shape reality to our current desires.  We want intimacy, but we want immediacy even more.  So in that period of waiting, some couples give up.  Some pursue destructive behaviors even more intensely, as if to prove they are as bad as they believe his/her spouse sees them.  Some become the victim.  Others become the blamer.  But some…some wait.  Patiently or impatiently, some wait.

     Jesus was in the grave three days.  The disciples could only wait.  In your marriage, you will go through periods of waiting, trapped between dread and hope, as you make changes to heal and improve your relationship.  And in that period of waiting, as painful as it can be, we give room for God to work on our hearts and minds.  We give space to walk away from selfishness and walk toward a healthy God-centered relationship.  We allow healing to take place.  We allow hope to return.

     But first, you may just have to wait.

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Click on the links below for the previous posts connecting marriage and Holy Week:

Sunday--Celebrate

Monday--Cleaning House

Tuesday--Enemies at Work

Wednesday--Woe! Red Flags!

Thursday--Serve

Friday--Sunday is coming

Sunday is coming

     It’s Friday.  There is sadness and confusion.  An unnatural darkness covers everything.  The betrayer’s guilt has caused him to take rash, horrible action.  The denier stays at a distance still weeping over his cowardice.  Those who know each other best, who should be the closest, are lost, uncertain, broken, and defeated.  And Jesus…well Jesus hangs in agony, condemned to die with criminals, as his mother and one last disciple helplessly look on as the very scent of death lingers in the air.

     Have you ever thought about what went through Jesus’ disciples’ minds on the Friday of the crucifixion?  They’d been with Jesus through years of good times.  They’d seen him teach, perform miracles, heal the sick, and care for the poor, the oppressed, and the rejected.  At one time, they were even willing to die for him.  But then things went bad.  And just as quickly as they once so convincingly stood by him, they now doubted him, fled from him, denied him, and even watched him die.  But God was still there.  And Easter Sunday was coming.

     Every couple walks through their own “Fridays,” when it seems things couldn't get any worse, that any hope of...well...hope, seems unlikely.  The joy you once experienced seems distant and an unnatural darkness has crept into your relationship.  I don’t know what your Friday is.  It might be a new couple’s first major disagreement.  “Where is the man I married?”  It might be deception.  “Did she really believe I would never find out about her secret credit cards?”  It might be the loss of a job.  “He feels so worthless, and I don’t know how to help him.”  It might be of a physical nature.  “The disease is progressive and she won’t get better.”  Whether it is a spouse’s really bad choices, mismanaged stress, financial difficulty, family problems, or whatever else, all couples encounter fearful Fridays.

     But God is there.  He is always there.  And there is a “Sunday” coming that brings the hope of new life, reconciliation, and renewal.  Jesus’ disciples couldn’t see it on Friday, and more often than not a couple in the middle of a crisis can’t see it either.  But trust God and know that Sunday is coming.

     In 1 Corinthians 15:3-4, Paul says:

 For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures.

The most important part of our faith is knowing; knowing that resurrection Sunday is coming.  And in knowing we have “Christ in us, the hope of glory” (Colossians 1:27).  The most important part of our marriage is knowing; knowing that Fridays come, but if we hold on to Him who gives us our hope, if we live in love, forgiveness, grace, and reconciliation, then our Sundays are coming too.

     I don’t know what Fridays you’ve already lived through, what Friday you might be experiencing now, or what Fridays lie ahead, but please don’t give up on your mate.  Please don’t forget God is always with us.  Please don’t lose hope.  Hold on to Christ, and hold on to your mate, because Easter Sunday is coming.

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For the rest of this week's posts on Holy Week and Marriage, click to links below:

Sunday--Celebrate

Monday--Cleaning House

Tuesday--Enemies at Work

Wednesday--Woe! Red Flags!

Thursday--Serve

Serve

     It’s Thursday.  The preparations have been made, and Jesus is eager to share in what will be his last Passover with his friends.  There is still so much to be said.  So much that will happen in the next few hours.  But before any of those things transpire, there’s another matter to attend to as Jesus and his friends sit down to supper.  Whether out of custom or out of necessity for a pleasant meal, their feet need to be washed.  And apparently, everyone is sitting there expecting to be serviced, rather than to serve.

     So, when Jesus, who is clearly the leader and most important person in their company, begins to wash their feet, they are surprised.  One by one, he washes the sweat and grime off of their feet and then dries their feet with the towel wrapped around his waist.  There is an exchange with Peter about what it means to be clean.  And somewhere in this process, Jesus washes Judas’ feet.

     What?  Why would Jesus serve the one who he clearly knows is about to betray him?  Was it just a ruse to keep the others from figuring out what was about to happen for fear that they try and whisk Jesus away to safety or that they would turn on Judas in a most unpleasant manner?  Why would Jesus care?  Why did he wash Judas’ feet?  Because in spite of all the pain Jesus was about to suffer because of Judas’ wicked choice, Judas was still one of Jesus’ disciples.  He was still a part of the company.  He still was an image bearer of God, loved by God, and loved by Christ.  To serve him, to wash his feet, was to serve God.

     In marriage, we are called on to be selfless rather than selfish—to give of ourselves for the blessing of the one with whom we share our covenant relationship.  But we also live in a fallen world.  We make mistakes.  Whether massive, looming things like infidelity, or frequent little jabs meant to cause pain, we hurt our mates, and our mates hurt us.

     I don’t know where you are at in your marriage.  I hope you haven’t had to go through betrayal, or pain caused by irresponsible choices, or that your circumstances haven’t caused you to question and mistrust your spouse.  But what do you do when there is tension, hurt, the sting of uncertainty?  Jesus says, you serve your mate.  Your wash his/her feet.  You live in the reality of the situation, but you don’t let it cause you to compromise who you are as a child of God.  In serving your mate, you serve God in whose image your spouse is made.

     I don’t know how easy it was for Jesus to wash Judas’ feet.  I’m guessing it wasn’t easy at all.  But he did it.  In Matthew 7:12, Jesus said “Treat other people the way you want to be treated.”  We call it the Golden Rule.  The problem is, most people think it says “treat other people the way that have treated you.”  Seek vengeance.  Blow for blow. Hurt for hurt.  Insult for insult.  But that’s not what Jesus said.  Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.  No matter what he/she has done to you.  Is it easy to serve your mate, especially in seasons of pain?  No.  But when you do, you are reaching out from the very heart of God.

Links to the previous posts for Marriage and Holy Week:

Sunday—Celebrate 

Monday—Cleaning House

Tuesday—Enemies at Work 
 
Wednesday--Woe! Red Flags!

Woe! Red flags!

     It’s Wednesday.  The teachers of the Law and the Pharisees have relentlessly tried to discredit Jesus.  They look for any misstep, any careless word that they can use against him. Time and time again Jesus confounds them, turning their own scenarios, their own logic back on them—but always looking to the heart of God to do so, always looking for ways to give others worth and value as sons and daughters of God.

     But now, it was time to do more than escape their traps.  Now it was time to engage them head on.  As Jesus spoke to the crowd, within the full hearing of those jealous critics who sought to destroy him, he didn’t pull any punches as called them out.  He called the teachers of the Law and the Pharisees hypocrites, false teachers, wicked men who put on a good show of righteousness.  He noted how they only cared for themselves and not for others who were also made in the image of God.  He was disgusted by how they pursued being legalistically right, but knew nothing of true, God-honoring righteousness.  He called them “a brood of vipers,” deadly and poisonous.

     Make no mistake, though.  Jesus didn’t call out the teachers of the Law and the Pharisees as some sort of “feel good” revenge.  He wasn’t reducing himself to the same level of pettiness that they exuded, or trying to publically humiliate them just because they had tried so many times to do the same to him.  He called them out because he wanted them to change; to become God’s emissaries of hope and healing and community for God’s people.  Jesus was staking out the red flags to try and get them to turn from the path they were on and turn to where God was calling them.

     Sometimes, in our marriages, we need someone who loves us to call us out.  We need someone to plant the red flags, to tell us the truth, even if it is painful.

• If you continue down this path, you will bankrupt your family.
• You’re letting your extracurricular activities take too much time away from your marriage.
• You were too flirty with that other woman.
• You’re giving that other man the emotional investment you should only be giving to your husband.
• You’re letting your children rule the family.
• Your selfishness is driving your wife away.
• The way you are talking to your husband is humiliating him.

I don’t know what your situation might be, but typically, when others love us enough to call us out, the reaction is denial, justification, argument, or whatever else it takes to preserve the status quo.  Why?  Because change is often painful, even if it will lead to something better later.  But without change, the relationship will suffer, and the marriage will continue down a path of self-destruction.

     Don’t be stubborn, stuck, and dead-set on doing it your way no matter what. Heed the warning, endure the pain, and save the marriage.  You are only “a brood of vipers” as long as you ignore the red flags and choose to continue to be “a brood of vipers.”

Links to the previous posts for Marriage and Holy Week:

Sunday—Celebrate

Monday—Cleaning House

Tuesday—Enemies at Work