A better you

     Tomorrow, Wednesday, February ^th is Ash Wednesday—the beginning of Lent.  Lent is a tradition observed by many Christians to mark the 40 days leading up to Easter weekend.  Many think of Lent as a time of self-denial; giving up bad habits or luxuries that might distract you from focusing on Christ.  But Lent isn’t just about getting rid of the bad, it can also be a time to incorporate positive actions and attitudes.

     Most people focus on personal improvement during Lent (which is not a bad thing), but this year, how about deciding with your spouse on something the two of you can do together to improve your marriage and refocus on having a Christ-centered relationship.  Let Lent be a time of focusing on you (plural) rather than you (singular).  It might be leaving behind something that has distracted you from maximizing your marriage relationship, or it might be starting (or restarting) something that proves good for you and your spouse.

     Obviously, you need to talk with your spouse about what you’re going to do, and it will look different for every couple, but here are some possibilities for the next 40 days during Lent:

• Pray with each other (not just for each other, but actually with each other)
• Read scripture together each day 
• Make each other laugh as often as possible 
• Say encouraging things to your mate multiple times daily 
• Give up time spent watching TV or looking at the computer to talk to your spouse undistracted 
• Verbally express a specific reason you love your spouse—and give a different reason each day 
• Give your spouse a handwritten note each day 
• Hold hands, hug, kiss, or have some other type of prolonged physical contact each day (that isn’t necessarily intended to lead to sex) 
• Share at least one meal together every day (if one of you travels, use Facetime or Skype to be together as you eat) 
• Devote the time you would have given to your hobby to sharing in your spouse’s interests 
• Find a new way to connect intimately each day (not just physical intimacy, but also emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual intimacy)

Certainly, you could add so many more things to this list, but maybe this will get you thinking about what you can do together.  Just be intentional and don’t give up.

     Changing a behavior, whether you’re adding or taking away, takes discipline and effort.  But let 40 days during Lent this year lead to a lifetime of marriage improving action.  If you read this after Lent has already begun, don’t use that as an excuse not to start right now doing whatever you can together to make your marriage better.  And, if you don’t celebrate Lent, that’s okay—call it whatever you want, but 40 days of intentional, Christ-centered focus together can renew your marriage in amazing ways.

Winter's end: Ground Hog's Day and Marriage...

     Well, Punxsutawney Phil, the nation’s unofficial official ground hog, has made his appearance for 2016. The ultimate question that he has to answer every year is, “Is winter almost over, or is there more bad weather to come?”  Now, if you live in a climate that is warm year round, then you probably don’t care.  But if you live in a place that has been slammed by snow and ice, you’re probably looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.  You’ve survived, but you are tired, isolated, and ready for something better.

     Have you ever been at that point in your marriage?  Marriage is always a challenge, because you are bringing together two imperfect people who will make mistakes from time to time.  Any marriage will have times of joy, excitement, and life, but it will also have times of sadness, stress, and lifeless broken heartedness.  When we are walking through the dark valleys of pain and loneliness, we want to know when it will finally be over and we will see the sun again.  “The car repair will cost how much?”  “Are you sure that is the diagnosis?”  “Our child was caught doing what?”  “My job is being ‘phased out’ how soon?”  “How much longer does my sister have?”  “Why is our church in such an uproar?”  “Where will we find the time to take care of that?”

     When the days come, and your marriage feels the strain of your seemingly never ending "winter of discontent," here are a few things that can make the long nights easier.

     First, do your best to maintain a healthy environment for your marriage.  Encourage each other.  Show gratitude.  As you are able, take on tasks the other one normally does.  Speak your love and show your love, even if the emotion is not present at the moment.  This is not always easy, especially if you feel like lately all you do is argue, but it is so important during these times to do everything you can to cultivate a good environment.

     Second, pray together often.  Pray during times of conflict.  Pray honestly.  Pray humbly.  Give God thanks as much as you pray for things you need.  Pray for each other.  Especially pray with each other.

     Third, don’t isolate yourself.  It is easy to feel alone during stressful times.  Sometimes a spouse doesn’t know what to say to his/her mate, but the mistake we make is withdrawing if we don’t know what to say.  If you mate is hurting, just be present for him/her.  One of the greatest blessings of marriage is that you have someone to walk with you through the dark valley. 

     Fourth, forgive.  Your spouse will make mistakes, but you will too.  If you both keep score of offenses, you will be locked in a downward spiral.  Failure to forgive is poison to a marriage relationship.

     Fifth, find hope.  During stressful times, it is easy to see everything through a dark filter.  Celebrate every victory, no matter how seemingly insignificant, and keep your hope alive.  If a dark shadow is hovering over your relationship, look for any place that a sunbeam can break through.  Our perception becomes our reality, and hope creates a positive perspective that will help a couple survive.

     In case you didn’t hear, Punxsutawney Phil didn’t see his shadow this morning.  If you believe large rodents can predict the weather, winter is coming to an end and spring is on its way.  Even if the shadows of your current circumstances mean prolonged or even permanent changes in your relationship, find your hope in God and your strength in each other.  Spring is just around the corner.

The Marriage Lottery

     $1.5 billion dollars.  That’s a lot of money, and there is as much chance as not that someone will be very, very rich after tonight’s Powerball drawing.  It’s the largest Jackpot in history.  Even if 1000 people had the winning numbers and had to split the pot, they’d still each be instant millionaires.

     So, what would becoming an instant billionaire mean for your marriage?  Would it take away debt?  Would it allow you to live out your dreams?  Would it bring you and your spouse closer together?

     While it might be fun for you and your mate to pretend how a winning ticket would change your life, the reality is money won’t change a thing.  “Of course it will,” you might be tempted to say.  But, the reality is it won’t, and here’s why.  You see, money is a tool.  Nothing more, nothing less.  In-and-of-itself, money is neither moral nor immoral.  It simply is.  Like everything else, it can be used properly and bring a husband and wife closer together and closer to God, or it can be used foolishly and drive a wedge between spouses while becoming an idol that replaces God.  Money is also a magnifier.  It takes the impulses and tendencies you already have and makes them obvious.  If you are greedy, money will make you more so.  If you obsess over control, money will reveal that.  If you are irresponsible, it will be reflected in how you use your finances.  If you are hateful, you will try to bully and manipulate people through money.  If you do not find joy and contentment in your marriage without money, you will not find it with money.  Money might temporarily “hide the symptoms” and mask or suppress certain issues, but problems that existed before you have money will resurface after you have money, and often in worse ways.

     But if you give generously without money, you will give generously with money.  If you use money to bless others now, you will continue to look outside yourselves.  If you recognize money is an indicator of priorities in the marriage (remember, our resources always flow to our priorities), you will be even more keenly aware of it when there is more money.  If you are already using your marriage powerfully for the Kingdom of God now, money will only give you other avenues to continue to do so.  Money is a mirror into what is already in your heart, and it will be reflected into your marriage.

     Before you cash in that winning Powerball ticket, take an honest assessment.  What does the way you spend your money now say about your relationship with your spouse? About your relationship with God?  About your spiritual life together as a couple?  Remember, money is always a spiritual matter, and your answers will have both immediate and ongoing consequences for your marriage relationship.

My Marriage Heroes...

     I want to share two of my marriage heroes with you.  Nathan and Evelyn Graham are celebrating 70 years of marriage today, January 1, 2016.  Nathan is a World War II veteran, and he and Evelyn married just a few months after the war ended.  When they said their “I do’s,” he was 24 years old and she was just a few weeks shy of turning 19.

     Over the last 70 years, the Grahams have lived a lifetime together, experiencing both joys and heartaches, but no matter what life hands them, they have always leaned on each other and on their faith in God.

     Between divorce, death, and the trend toward couples marrying later in life, the likelihood of seeing many couples reach a 70th anniversary is indeed a rare occurrence. The Grahams’ anniversary is an incredible time to recognize the power of marriage, commitment, covenant, and Christ-centered love and living. Parents can point their children toward couples like the Grahams as a model of what Christian marriage is supposed to look like.  They are the living embodiment of “forsaking all others, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do we part.” 

     While most of us will not see many (if any) 70^th marriage anniversaries, take the time to talk with those couples you do know within your family, or church, or social circles who have healthy, long-term, Christ-centered marriages.  Find a couple who lives in love, kindness, forgiveness, patience, grace, and goodness.  Find a couple who uses their marriage for the Kingdom of God.  Find a couple who understands that at its heart, marriage is a spiritual covenant relationship, not just a social contract.  Find someone like the Grahams who with grace and humility can show you what it means to know God personally because it is evidenced by the way they interact with each other.

     I pray for many more years of celebrating with the Grahams, and I hope that you can celebrate and perpetuate Christ-centered marriage with whoever your marriage heroes are.