Breath of Life

     In Ezekiel 37, the prophet has a fantastic vision of God’s

power to bring life to something that is dead.  In the vision, Ezekiel sees a valley full of bones—dry, dusty bones that had littered the ground for quite some time.  God asks Ezekiel a simple question.  “Can these bones live again?”

     The vision unfolds in a captivating and graphic way, as the bones begin rattling, then moving together on their own to form full skeletons.  As Ezekiel continues to watch, the bones are covered with flesh—tendons attaching muscles to the bones, the inward parts forming, and finally skin covering over the exposed internal body.

     But as amazing and miraculous as this was, the fully formed bodies still laid lifeless on the ground.  God instructed Ezekiel to prophesy to the wind, and command the wind to bring breath into the dead bodies.  When breath entered them, those that were once nothing but dried broken bones scattered on the ground, stood strongly as a vast army before God.

     What made the dry bones live again?  It wasn’t just the structure—the flesh and tendons, organs and skin—that made them live (although they were important).  No, even as fully formed people, they still laid lifeless on the ground.  What made them live was the breath of life from God.  Only with that breath of life did they rise up and stand.

     In Christian marriage, the structural elements are necessary for a good, healthy relationship—good communication, conflict resolution skills, managing resources well, fulfilling your roles in the relationship, intimacy, practicing the tenants of your faith—but you can do all of those things and still feel dead, as if you are just going through the motions.

     I don’t know where you are in your marriage relationship.  You might feel strong and alive, or you might wonder if your relationship could be any deader.  You might feel like you’ve been at every point between those two extremes at various times in your relationship.

     So what becomes the breath of life in your relationship?  What are the things that you can do for your mate to give God-centered purpose to your covenant union?

     While the structural things are necessary for a healthy marriage, the breath of life often comes in the simplest of things; the things couples can lose over time if they are not careful.  Here just are a few things that help keep the breath of life in a relationship.

• Intimacy that focuses on more than just sex.  God created sex and sex is good, but a holistic intimacy (emotional, intellectual, social, spiritual, and non-sexual expressions of physical intimacy) lets you mate know you value him/her in a deeply meaningful way.
• Gratitude.  It is easy to take one’s mate for granted, especially in long-term marriages when we become comfortable in our roles.  Remembering to say “thank you” for the things your mate regularly does to bless you is a good reminder for you and a breath of life for the relationship.
• Manners.  Saying “please” and “thank you” to each other rather than demanding or expecting, holding the door for your wife, speaking well of your husband in public, being mindful of your tone and the words you chose to speak to each other—whatever the circumstance, we usually know when we are being indifferent (or even rude).  To be mindful of manners is to invite the breath of God into the relationship.
• Joyful surprises.  An unexpected gift, doing a chore for your mate, a loving note in the lunch box, a date night, intentionally speaking his/her love language—whatever the kind gesture, pleasant surprise fills us with powerful, positive feelings toward our mates and our marriages.
• Humility.  It’s hard to live with someone who is always right about everything and makes it a point to let you know.  Humility isn’t about being weak or compromising on your principles.  It is about valuing your mate, recognizing we are all human and have room to grow and learn, and exhibiting a spirit of peace and goodness toward your covenant partner.
• Laughing together.  Who doesn’t like to be with someone who can make them smile and feel good?  When we enjoy life and enjoy the spouse God has blessed us with, we receive an indescribably wonderful gift from God.  But remember, there is a distinct difference between laughing with your mate and laughing at your mate.  Make sure you are doing the former and not the latter.
• Shared ministry.  Sharing in ministry together, whatever the ministry is, allows a couple to focus outside of themselves and work alongside each other to bring the breath of life to others.  And, a couple’s service to God will not return empty if they open themselves up to allowing their joint service to breath selflessness into the marriage relationship too.

     In the Hebrew, the same word is used for wind, breath, and spirit.  Whether it is being intentional about the things listed above, learning new ways of interacting, or reclaiming something you and your spouse used to do, start now letting God’s Spirit fill your marriage and bring a powerful breath of life.  When our marriages live—really, truly live—the world sees Christ.

Fight the fizzle...

     Something interesting happens at the YMCA for the first couple of weeks of January every year.  Every year in January, a whole bunch of new faces show up at the Y; people who’ve made their new year’s resolution to lose weight, or get fit, or whatever.  These folks come in gung ho, ready to change their lives for the better.

     And then, it gets to about this time in January.  Mid-way through the month, the majority of those new faces are gone.  The determination has waned, the sacrifice necessary for change has proved too painful, or too inconvenient, or too costly.  So, they quit.  They fizzle out.

     Many promise themselves they will start up again soon.  They may even show up for an hour every couple of weeks, and then every month, and then every three months, and then…nothing.  For whatever reason, the end result that they dreamed of obtaining is no longer worth the journey it will take to get there.

     Did you and your spouse make resolutions together for your marriage for the new year (and together is the key word here!)?  Did you decide on things that you can do to bring you closer to each other as you draw nearer to God?  Did you talk about what your joint ministry and mission will be for 2017?  Did you talk about what you need to do as a couple to bring hope and encouragement to each other, to make each other feel safe, to bless each other’s lives, and to center your marriage in Christ?  If not, start those conversations now.

     If you have started doing these things, be on your guard against fizzling out.  There will always be excuses to not do something.

“There’s not enough time.”

“I’m too tired.”

“Is my spouse really noticing anyway?”

“I’m not really seeing any benefit in doing this.”

“It’s just a little break.  I'm sure I'll get back to it soon.”

The devil will provide ample excuses to quit.  Don’t let him draw you away from your resolve to use your marriage to bless each other and to work together in the Kingdom of God.  We all get tired.  We all ask questions.  We all have set backs.  And from time to time, we all want to quit.  But when those times come, fight through the fizzle.

     You might not always be able to see it in the moment, but the end result is worth the cost of the journey.

Becoming one...

     “We believe that those who marry are to leave their parents’ primary care to cleave to their spouses, and godly parents will facilitate rather than frustrate this God-ordained process (Gen. 2:24; Mark 10:6-9).”  This sentence is found in the middle of the Theology of Marriage statement held by my church.  Good in-laws can be a wonderful blessing to a marriage.  Intrusive controlling in-laws (no matter how well intentioned) are a constant detriment to a healthy marriage and an ongoing source of friction between husband and wife.  It’s amazing how many Christian children’s Christian marriage to a good Christian spouse have been destroyed by Christian parents who didn’t know their place.  “Cleave and leave,” the act of leaving your parents' care and guidance to join yourself in covenant union with your mate, is one of the easiest biblical concepts to understand.  So why is it so hard for many to practice?

     From a parent’s perspective, we attach ourselves to our children from the moment they are born.  We invest ourselves in raising them, caring for them, and wanting to see them succeed in every way possible.  So, there is a natural inclination to want to continue to give them guidance and help.  It is hard to see that process as anything but beneficial and needed, just as when our son or daughter was fully in our care.  And, if our child’s spouse sees our care and concern as anything else, they can easily be painted (intentionally or unintentionally) as misguided or even hostile.

     Yet, parents must let their child’s primary allegiance go to the child’s spouse.  In fact, they must not only allow it, they must encourage and facilitate it.  To fail to do so, to try and sway or manipulate your child, or to try and maintain any level of control is sinful, destructive behavior.  “Sinful”?  I know that’s harsh language, but if we want to seek God’s will, that means submitting to God’s will—we fulfil God’s Word when we help our children leave our side, leave our care, and become one flesh with their spouse.  Moving your child’s primary allegiance and affection from you to his/her spouse doesn’t mean you can’t still give advice.  It doesn’t mean you can’t help your child in positive, marriage affirming ways.  It certainly doesn’t mean that you don’t love your child.  It does, however, mean you are obeying God’s design for marriage and family.

     Parents, if you have married children, consider the stress you will be placing upon your child and his/her marriage if you are forcing your child to choose between his/her spouse and you in any area of life.  Also, ask yourself, do you want to have a relationship with your child and your child’s spouse, or do you want to have a relationship only if it is on your terms?

    Husbands and wives, as you navigate the spouse/in-laws relationship, it is vitally important for your marriage that healthy, mutually-discussed and mutually-agreed-upon boundaries are established and maintained between the couple and each set of in-laws.  If those boundaries are set up from the beginning, they will be easier to maintain.  However, if in-laws are causing stress in your marriage, no matter how long you’ve been married, you must establish firm boundaries.

     But be ready.  The first time you have to tell a parent “no,” expect a reaction.  Boundaries are usually pushed and tested.  There may be hurt feelings.  Guilt may come from the parent the boundary is imposed against, or guilt may come internally as you feel guilty for having to draw that proverbial line in the sand to protect your marriage.  But for the sake of your covenant relationship healthy boundaries must exist!

     Parents, be a blessing to your child and his/her spouse, but be willing to listen when they tell you “no” or ask you to step back.  Husbands and wives, love your parents, but remember if your first love is God then it will be reflected in your spouse being your primary love in this life.  It’s not easy to let go, but godly parents and godly children will if a marriage is to be what God intends.  Obviously, there are always case-specific circumstances, but as a general rule, God’s design of “cleave and leave” is what will make a marriage and relationships with in-laws flourish.

Marriage Medicine

     Just about everybody enjoys a pleasant surprise (the key

word here is pleasant). In marriage, the element of surprise can inject a lot of fun and laughter into your relationship. Whether it is an unplanned trip or an unexpected date night, or a “for-no-particular-reason” gift, surprising your spouse can create laughter, build intimacy, and help feed a positive spirit between you and your love.
     And surprises don’t have to be elaborate or expensive to generate powerful results. A home-cooked dinner of his or her favorite meal, an unexpected back rub or foot rub while watching TV, a note in his or her lunch box, a “because I love you” text or phone call, a private message on the bathroom mirror in soap or lipstick, or even just handing him or her an ice cream cone at the door after a hard day at work; things that create pleasant surprises can bless a marriage relationship. 

Proverbs 17:22 says, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Medicate your marriage with a pleasant surprise for your spouse this week.

Anticipation

     Around 11:00 p.m. last night, December 23, 2016, I became a great-uncle.  I’ve always been a great uncle, but now I’m really a great-uncle.  My nephew and his wife had their first baby—a precious girl.  For nine months, they have been anticipating her arrival, and now their joy is complete.

     Waiting isn’t always easy, and in our culture of immediate gratification and instantaneous results, anticipation is a lost gift.  Advent and the Christmas Story are all about the power of anticipation, as we celebrate the fulfilment of the greatest anticipation ever—the Word becoming flesh and making his home among us.

     Anticipation can be a powerful blessing in marriage.  There are some things in life that just can’t (and shouldn’t) be rushed.  Anticipation slows us down.  It helps us to appreciate each moment for what it is, as we look forward to something even better ahead.  It creates an environment of preparing, praying, and hoping.  Through positive anticipation, we expect the best of our spouses.  We prepare ourselves to be blessed by our mates and be a blessing to our mates. We pray more fervently for each other.  We find joy in marriage that would have otherwise escaped us.  We find hope that carries us day by day.

     Carry the true message of Christmas into your marriage.  Slow down and anticipate the goodness that comes from your covenant relationship.  Some things are always worth waiting for.