“Why
do you do that?” Have you ever thought that about,
or even said that to your mate? Why
do we do the things we do? While a
multitude of things can contribute to our behaviors, it is essential
that you look at your family of origin because the environment you grew up in—the
family structure that (at least subconsciously) taught you what it means to be
family—is always at work in your life. It
is virtually impossible to fully escape the influence of your family of origin.
So,
whether you are contemplating marriage, or have been married for over fifty
years, it is incredible important to understand and be honest about your
perception of the family you came from because you will do one of two things. Either you will repeat what you’ve experienced or you will rebel against what you’ve experienced; and either one of those
responses can be good or bad depending on what you are repeating or rebelling
against. To improve your own marriage, you
can rebel against a bad behavior you saw modeled by one of your parents. By the same token, you can repeat a pattern
that has left generations of marriages in your family dysfunctional. You must choose what you will do, but if you
want to choose a path to a healthy, godly marriage you must be honest about the
“family baggage” you are bringing into your own marriage.
And
amazingly, when we look at our family of origin, two things happen (and
sometimes, paradoxically, they happen simultaneously). First, we believe that our family experience
is normative. And second, we believe that our experience is
entirely unique and no one else has
ever experienced what we experienced. As
ironic as it sounds, it is not uncommon for someone who grew up with parents
who yelled all the time to expect that is how families communicate (whether he
wants that for his own marriage or not).
But at the same time, he might still say, “You just don’t
understand. You can’t know what it was
like growing up with him as a father!”
We believe our situations to be completely unique, but we often have no
other context from which to interpret other relationships, including our own
marriages.
So
how do we process this? First, be
receptive to your spouse’s input. Your
spouse can recognize patterns which originate from your family that you might
not recognize yourself. Assuming that your mate is motivated by God's love and not by selfishness, he or she can
help you identify behaviors that need to be maintained and behaviors that need
to be eliminated for your marriage to be healthy. Second, understand how incredibly difficult
it really is to change an ingrained behavior, so continually practice
forgiveness and grace and humility with your mate. And third, never forget that in Christ, God
can still work through us in spite of our screwed up families to fulfill his
divine purpose. Just look at how screwed
up Abraham’s family was, yet he is “the father of the faithful,” or David’s
family, yet he was still “a man after God’s own heart.” In Christ, you can become, not just settle to be;
and wouldn’t that make for an increasingly better marriage.
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