When
was the last time you thanked God for your sex life? When was the last time you and your spouse together thanked God for your sex life? For some people, this is a really, really
weird question. After many years of
pastoral premarital counseling, I’ve noticed that often couples who grew up
with a strong church background are the ones most reluctant to see sex as a
spiritual blessing.
For
the sake of full disclosure, let me say up front that I believe sex is meant to
be a monogamous relationship between one man and one woman and kept within the
context of marriage for the purpose of procreation and recreation. I believe that from the beginning God created
husband and wife to engage each other sexually.
Because God created sex, sex is good.
But I also believe God, knowing infinitely more than us, provides
boundaries for sexual expression between a husband and wife. Those boundaries protect us and enhance
intimacy and spiritual growth.
The
problem is, most churches only teach about sex from a negative aspect, and only
address the physical side of the act. I get it why they do that. I really do. The desire is to protect the
sanctity and integrity of marriage, and also to keep teens from making
potentially life-altering choices before they are ready to make them. But if all a person ever hears growing up is
“Don’t do it,” and if we remove the spiritual aspect from sex, then (whether
intentionally or unintentionally) we label this gift of God as “shameful
feelings that must be controlled if they can’t be squelched altogether.” Think about it. Did you ever have a Bible class on 1
Corinthians 7 in which the main message of the class was “When you’re married, you
should have sex, and have sex often because this brings you closer to each
other and to God.” Instead, when a
couple marries and they suddenly have “permission” to engage each other
sexually, sex is seen as nothing more than a strictly carnal act that is no
different than the way the world views it.
Physical pleasure becomes the only goal and we have inadvertently robbed
the sexual relationship of any real intimacy.
There
is another epidemic problem associated with separating the sexual relationship
from the spiritual relationship. The
shame-culture created around sex through constant negative teaching contributes
to a “forbidden fruit/guilt” mentality that can drastically affect a couple’s
sex life. After marriage, a couple
engages each other sexually because it is expected and even “okay,” but at
least on some level one or both partners may still feel a sense of having done
something lewd or inappropriate. These
negative feelings can then open the door to pornography. Often Christians who are addicted to
pornography feel shame because of what they are doing, but if shame is
connected to sex, then through pornography the shame can at least be kept
private (and with today’s technology, the addiction is easily hidden), thus
creating a self-perpetuating, destructive cycle. In essence, the person trades one kind of shame
for another. Since the person was never
taught the spiritual/intimate connections to the physical act, he or she
engages in a “now-acceptable, shameful action” in the marriage bed, but still
pursues a hidden shame through pornography that seeks a heightened physical
response.
So
what’s the answer? Obviously every
marriage situation is unique, and I certainly don’t believe that everyone who
was told “don’t do it” as a teen will have an unfulfilled sex life or become
addicted to pornography as an adult.
Also, discussions with children about sex should always be age
appropriate. But when you teach your
children about sex, teach them that God created sex. Sex is good.
But God put boundaries on our sexual expression; boundaries that give us
better, more fulfilled, more intimately connected lives. And, if we wait until marriage and keep our
sex lives fully enmeshed in our marriage relationship, then sex will become a
foundational part of a wonderfully fulfilling union that will draw us closer to
our spouse and to God.
Certainly there is much more to this discussion than
can be covered in a short blog entry.
And there are many good sources out there for further information. But if we hope to break the shame-culture
that can damage a marriage for life, we have to consider how we talk and teach
about sex in our churches and Bible classes.
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