Why is it that in most
couples it seems like one spouse is more spiritually invested than
the other? As I look at couples—and some I know really well—it seems that
one always seems to be pulling the other one along to various degrees. Rare is
the couple who will both pray, and will both volunteer, and both have a growing,
real faith.
Correct or off base?
A friend of mine sent me an email
earlier this week asking me this question, and (with his permission) I’m
posting my reply because I think this is a dilemma that many couples struggle
to navigate.
My reply:
The short answer to your question is, there is no short answer. I
understand what you're saying because I observe the same thing, but we are
faulty observers (as I’ll explain below). I think there are several
reasons that it is an unfair, over-generalization to say that “one spouse is
more spiritually invested than the other.”
First, we are all spiritually gifted
in different ways and we all are fueled by different spiritual passions.
Because I can only know my own experiences and feelings, the easiest thing for
me to do is to believe my way of experiencing God—whether it be through
worship, service, meditation, study and prayer habits, etc. —is the norm.
And if anyone does it different from the way I do it (especially my spouse, I
mean after all, he/she lives with me and ought to know better after seeing me
do it right all these years), then they must be wrong. Paul was quick to
remind us that we all serve a different function in the body, and it is wrong
for one part to devalue another part because we are not all the same (1
Corinthians 12:12-31).
Second, we are all gifted to
different degrees. Jesus said that a tree might produce a hundred-fold,
but it might also produce sixty or thirty-fold (Mark 4:1-20). Jesus
didn't label the tree that produced less as unfruitful or unworthy. If a "hundred-fold
spouse" is married to a "thirty-fold spouse," it can seem like
one is pulling the other along, but the reality is that both might be doing all
they can for the Kingdom of God. Again, our own experiences becomes the
bar for establishing a norm, but we do well to remember that God is equally
pleased with every tree that is producing all the fruit it can, no matter how
much that is. And don't forget, while you might be strong in one area you
are weak in other areas where your spouse has to help you.
Along these same lines, it is also important to realize that we
don't always recognize or acknowledge what true fruit is. The
stay-at-home mom who's dedicated herself to raising faithful children might be
producing more fruit than the wife who answers every call from the church
pulpit for a ministry volunteer. A man quietly exemplifying Christ for
his co-workers can be as spiritually pleasing to God as the husband who invites
his friends to every activity on the church calendar. Too often, we are
faulty observers of what fruit really is.
Third, we are all at different places on our spiritual journeys.
Just as people physically, emotionally, and socially mature at different rates,
we also mature spiritually at different rates. Whether we want to admit
it or not, most of our theology is driven by our past and present life
circumstances. So, regardless of how long a husband and wife have known
each other or been together, regardless of how many shared experiences they
have, they will always process those life circumstances at different rates and
in different ways. Thus, they will be at different places spiritually.
Now all that having been said, I am
also smart enough to know that sometimes one spouse or the other truly is
spiritually lazy or unmotivated. But is it just easier for one spouse to
write-off the other as "less spiritual" than it is to invest the time
and energy, to communicate clearly and lovingly, and to be a spiritual helpmate
in order to find out what is really going on?
I would suggest three things to
address this question, regardless of whether it is a spouse truly being
spiritually lazy and unmotivated or a spouse just not giving his/her mate room
to be what God created them to be. First, set realistic spiritual
expectations. This should be done jointly, not the supposedly
“spiritually-superior” partner setting expectations for the other, but both
spouses communicating freely and honestly about what they BOTH can do to
enhance their spiritual relationship, and what they can do to better understand
each other’s spiritual disposition and giftedness.
Second, do the things that foster authentic spiritual intimacy. To
try and force someone to conform to your expectations of “what it is to be
spiritual,” either through coercion, demeaning comments, or other manipulative
means, is being a spiritual bully! And nobody likes a bully! (See The
Marriage Blog posts from June 22 and June 27, 2012 for more on fostering and
destroying spiritual intimacy in marriage.)
Third, find a joint service of ministry that you and your spouse can do
together. We often don’t understand our spouse’s spiritual disposition
because we are too busy trying to pursue service to God apart from the
one we are called to serve with. This can be a challenge for a
couple of reasons. If you and your spouse’s giftedness and passions lie
in different areas, finding a joint ministry might be tough. Also, our
contemporary culture’s obsession with individual rights and
personal accolades has bled into our churches. So, many times a spouse will pursue
an isolated path to ministry that destroys rather than enhances the “one
flesh” concept of marriage. It is amazing how many people can neglect
their spouses “in the name of God” and think that what they are doing is pleasing
to God. Finding a shared service of ministry can be a tough balancing
act, but it is a key in enhancing spiritual growth and spiritual intimacy in
both marriage partners.
Father, lead us each to be a blessing
and help to our spouses as each couple seeks to grow together spiritually and
serve your Kingdom.
