It’s amazing how many Christian children’s
Christian marriage to a good Christian spouse have been destroyed by Christian
parents who didn’t know their place. “Cleave
and leave,” the act of leaving your parents' care and guidance to join yourself
in covenant union with your mate, is one of the easiest biblical concepts to
understand. So why is it so hard for
many to practice?
From a parent’s perspective, we attach
ourselves to our children from the moment they are born. We invest ourselves in raising them, caring
for them, and wanting to see them succeed in every way possible. So, there is a natural inclination to want to
continue to give them guidance and help.
It is hard to see that process as anything but beneficial and needed, just
as when the child was fully in our care.
And, if our child’s spouse sees our care and concern as anything else,
they can easily be painted (intentionally or unintentionally) as misguided or
even hateful.
Yet, parents must let their child’s
primary allegiance go to the child’s spouse.
In fact, they must not only allow it, they must encourage and facilitate
it. To fail to do so, to try and sway or
manipulate your child, or to try and maintain any level of control is sinful,
destructive behavior. Moving your child’s
primary allegiance and affection from you to his/her spouse doesn’t mean you
don’t love your child. It doesn’t mean
you can’t still give advice. It doesn’t
mean you can’t help your child in positive, marriage affirming ways. It does, however, mean you are obeying God’s
design for marriage and family.
“We believe that those who marry are to
leave their parents’ primary care to cleave to their spouses, and godly parents
will facilitate rather than frustrate this God-ordained process (Gen. 2:24;
Mark 10:6-9).” This sentence is found
in the middle of the Theology of Marriage statement held by my church. Good in-laws can be a wonderful blessing to a
marriage. Intrusive controlling in-laws
(no matter how well intentioned) are a constant detriment to a healthy marriage
and an ongoing source of friction between husband and wife.
Parents, if you have married children, consider the
stress you will be placing upon your child and his/her marriage if you are
forcing your child to choose between his/her spouse and you in any area of life. Also, ask yourself, do you want to have a relationship with
your child and your child’s spouse, or do you want to have a relationship only if it is
on your terms?
Husbands and wives, as you navigate the spouse/in-laws
relationship, it is vitally important for your marriage that healthy,
mutually-discussed and mutually-agreed-upon boundaries are established and
maintained between the couple and both sets of in-laws. If those boundaries are set up from the beginning,
they will be easier to maintain.
However, if in-laws are causing stress in your marriage, no matter how
long you’ve been married, you must establish firm boundaries. But be ready, because boundaries usually
cause hurt feelings. Boundaries are usually
pushed and tested. But for the sake of
your covenant marriage relationship they must exist!
Parents, be a blessing to your child and
his/her spouse, but be willing to listen when they tell you “no” or ask you to
step back. Husbands and wives, love your
parents, but remember if your first love is God then it will be reflected in
your spouse being your primary love in this life. It’s not easy to let go, but godly parents
and godly children will if a marriage is to be what God intends. Obviously, there are always case-specific
circumstances, but as a general rule, God’s design of “cleave and leave” is what will
make a marriage and relationships with in-laws flourish.
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