In our tech savvy culture, communication
in marriage is rapidly changing. In a
world of instant messaging, tweets, and facebook posts, there is a generation
that has learned to communicate in rapid bursts of 140 characters or less. So, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Well, the answer is both yes and no.
On
the positive side:
- Instant
availability. It is comforting to know
that you can reach your spouse almost instantaneously if you want to share a
thought, or if there is a crisis, or if he is on a long trip, or she is driving
home in dangerous weather. Before cell
phones were common, there were days-long stretches that Lisa and I would barely see
each other when she was working nights and I was working days. Texting would have been a real blessing then.
- Silent
communication when needed. One couple I
know texted each other across the living room, not because they didn’t want to
talk, but because they didn’t want to wake up their newborn baby. And when kids get older, sometimes parents
need to communicate without alerting the children to certain things.
- Visible
reminders. If Lisa gives me the grocery
list over the phone, there’s a high probability I’ll forget most of it by the
time I get to the store. When she texts
me the list, I have it readily available when I get there.
Of
course there are many more advantages, but tech certainly can enhance a couple’s
communication in certain circumstances.
On the negative side:
- What
are YOU thinking? We normally read texts/tweets
based on our own current disposition, not necessarily the sender’s intent. A lot of what we express—love, fear, anxiety,
anger, frustration, joy—is communicated as much through tone and body language
as the actual words. There are often
nuances of communication that electronic mediums cannot accurately convey. Even with capital letters and lots of
exclamation points, it’s difficult to express real emotions (and the causes
behind them) with emoticons.
- Brevity. At times, brevity in communication is good, but
often conversations between spouses require much more than short answers. Electronic communications can force quick
decisions that are not nearly as well thought out as they would be if the
couple talked to each other.
- Tech
overload. It is easy to become dependent
on tech for communication to the point that we develop tech overload and forget
how to honestly communicate otherwise.
A
few things to remember in a tech-dependent world:
- Don’t
be lazy in your communication. If you find
yourself texting when it would be just as easy to call and speak or (better
yet) you can wait until you can speak face-to-face, then you need to reconsider
your use of tech.
- The
power of a hand-written note. The time
and effort put into thinking through and hand-writing a love note to your
spouse means something. It is far more
powerful and intimate than a typed text.
- Where
you spend your time indicates your priorities.
Texting your spouse, while often convenient and necessary, is not the
same as spending time with him/her in meaningful conversation.
Without communication a relationship will
die. The culture will not slow down, and
I don’t believe it is helpful to try and fight progress. It is helpful, however, to discern how to use
the changing face of communication to benefit a couple, and to place
appropriate boundaries on how spouses use communication tech in their
relationship. Often, tech is a blessing
for wives and husbands, but don’t let it become a crutch for avoiding real
face-to-face interaction with your mate.
Every now and again, agree with your spouse to have a “technology fast.” Put down the cell phones, laptops, and other
electronics—look into each other’s eyes, hold hands, and just talk.
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Is your church doing everything it can to help facilitate healthy marriages? Are you sure? The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking. Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com
If you are in the Middle Tennessee area, I will be presenting a session based on The Marriage-Friendly Church at the Caring Connections Conference, Friday, May 10, 2013 from 10:15 to 11:30 a.m. Go to agapenashville.org for more info and to register. Be sure to mention that you heard about the conference here on The Marriage Blog.
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credit: <a
href='http://www.123rf.com/photo_7308993_couple-texting-with-their-cell-phones.html'>tomasfoto
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