DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR! How many times have you screamed that at some
oblivious character in a scary movie? We
know something is terribly, terribly wrong and that this is not going to end
well. Sometimes we can’t understand why
that person in the movie insists on investigating. They heard the odd noises, or they felt the
evil presence, or they witnessed the strange circumstances. And yet for whatever reason, there is always
one person in those movies who decides it is a good idea to open an ominous
door. They slowly reach out for the
knob, carefully begin to turn it, and the door slowly begins to creek open, and
then…well, let’s just say it never ends well for that person.
When we have classes or sessions at my
church about marriage, we almost always either begin or end with a marriage
blessing which reads:
Lord, bless me to
love my spouse as you love me. Let my love for my spouse be a reflection
of my love for you. Help me to always serve and forgive, persevere and
protect. Let me be a blessing to my marriage and ever blessed by my
marriage. Keep me away from anything that would tempt me to dishonor my
marriage covenant. We ask this blessing by the power of the divine name
of your Son Jesus Christ. Amen. (See the post from January 18,
2013 for more on the power of a recurring marriage blessing.)
Recently,
a friend asked me to further define the line, “Keep me away from anything that
would tempt me to dishonor my marriage covenant.” “That’s a really broad topic,” he noted, “Since
men and women are different, what tempts me probably won’t tempt my
spouse. And even temptations from one husband
to the next or one wife to the next will vary.”
He’s right. Temptation comes in a lot of different
forms. And one person’s weakness is not
another person’s weakness. Regardless of
what your temptation is, here are a few steps that might help you keep away
from anything that could make you compromise your marriage covenant.
First, don’t be stupid. I know that might
sound crude, but sometimes, it just needs to be said. I understand that people make mistakes. We’re human and we all make a bad decision
from time to time. But if you
continually stick your head in the lion’s mouth, eventually the lion will bite
down. Don’t put yourself in a position
that it would be easier to compromise your marriage covenant—physically, mentally, emotionally,
socially, or spiritually.
The biggest mistake most people make is
believing they are stronger than what they really are. “I can work late at the office with a
co-worker I’m attracted to and not be tempted.”
“A little harmless flirting is good for sales and it doesn’t mean
anything.” “I can hold on to my self-righteous anger, but it won't change the way I treat my mate.”
“I can watch this kind of video and it won’t affect my marriage.”
Just like the character in the movie, we
need to be screaming at ourselves, “DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!”
Then, deal with your differences, don’t
bury them.
No two people are exactly alike, and you and your spouse will inevitably
have disagreements. This is not a bad
thing. In fact, it is part of the beauty
of how God created us. When conflict
occurs, you have two choices. You can
either deal with your differences, knowing that it might be uncomfortable and
difficult to do so (depending on the severity of the conflict), or you can
ignore your differences, sweep them under the rug, and just hope
they go away. The problem with the second option is that
eventually your differences will resurface—maybe through explosive anger,
perhaps as deep resentment, or possibly as ongoing erosion in your trust for
one another. Your differences can either
become a wedge between you and your spouse, or they can become an avenue to
spiritual growth and maturity.
Continually check your perspective. Focus on the
positive characteristics of your spouse and the positive aspects of your marriage. If you focus on the negative, the negative is
all you will see. The strange thing about
perspective is that if you’re not careful your perspective can easily be
twisted. The grass is always greener on
the other side of the fence, until you cross over. Then it becomes a mess of brokenness, anger,
guilt, shame, and loss. And, as you
check your perspective, be honest about how much your perspective involves
pursuing godliness in your marriage, and how much your perspective is motivated
by self-centeredness.
Next, know your triggers. In Genesis 4:7, God
tells Cain, “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if
you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have
you, but you must rule over it.” When are you most tempted to dishonor your
marriage covenant? Are you tempted when
you are alone and the opportunity is easily accessible? Are you tempted when there are high levels of
stress at work, or in your marriage relationship? Are you tempted when life is going well and
you feel satisfied? Do you ever find
yourself asking, when is your spouse (or anyone else for that matter) least
likely to find out? Knowing your
triggers becomes critical in the next step.
Always put safeguards in place. What are realistic,
concrete things you can proactively do to avoid opening the door to
compromising your marriage covenant? Simple
things like keeping the computer in a common room rather than a secluded space,
open access between spouses to all technology (social media, email accounts,
text messages), getting rid of magazines or catalogs that may entice your
spouse, checking in with each other when you're apart, being attentive to
intimacy so that your spouse doesn’t want to seek it elsewhere—there are so
many things husbands and wives can proactively do for each other to protect the
marriage covenant. Just honestly talk to each other,
and help each other to honor and guard the marriage relationship.
As you put your safeguards in place, make
sure you set up a system of accountability.
You should be accountable to your mate, and you should also have a
support system of same-gender friends who care enough about you to be honest
with you, especially if you are acting inappropriately. Whoever you are accountable to, it must be
someone you can confess to, and who will pray with you and for you regularly.
Also, always evaluate who you are getting
your advice from. Is that person more
interested in a worldly, superficial happiness, or is he/she more interested in
helping your marriage? “The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools
die for lack of sense. The
lips of the righteous know what finds favor, but the mouth of the wicked only what is
perverse.” (Prov. 10:21, 32) Don’t be a fool by getting your marriage advice from fools.
And most importantly, pray. Please, please,
please don’t leave God out of the process.
Call on the name of God when you are tempted. We are all human, and we all make mistakes,
but the more you center your life and your marriage on Christ, the stronger a
foundation you will have for resisting the temptations that can harm your
marriage.
If you want to protect and bless your
marriage, whenever those temptations draw near, shout out to yourself (at least
in your mind) “DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!” I
have yet to see a time when leaving the door closed didn’t lead to a happier
ending.
_______________________
What does God want from my
marriage?
A Weekend
Marriage Enrichment Retreat
Friday-Sunday, March 7-9, 2014
Edgewater at the Aquarium Hotel and Conference Center
Gatlinburg, TN
Gatlinburg, TN
Limited to 30 couples
Email
dfcamp@gmail.com for more info
__________________________________
Is your church doing everything it can to help facilitate healthy marriages? Are you sure? The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking. Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com
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Top photo image credit: <a href='http://www.123rf.com/photo_20532472_opening-door-knob.html'>sutichak / 123RF Stock Photo</a>
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