Hearing, they do not hear...Or do they?

     Within all of us, there is an innate need to feel heard.  When we feel heard, we feel valued.  When we do not feel heard, we feel ignored, discounted, and disrespected.  This is true of all relationships, and especially true in marriage.

     The problem for most, however, is the false belief that if someone does not agree with me, they have not heard me.  When someone cultivates that erroneous thinking, he/she will go to one of two extremes.  On the one side, you will repeat the same thing over and over, believing your mate is simply choosing to ignore you.  Or you might attempt to present your beliefs from various angles (though usually it is just rehashing the exact same thing).  Some immediately divert to yelling.  (I’ve never understood why anyone would believe their spouse would say, “You know, when you were speaking quietly and respectfully I thought you were wrong, but not that your screaming at me, I can see how right you are.”)  Whatever the method, it becomes an endless tirade of sameness as communication degrades into questioning the other person’s love, or his/her intelligence (after all wouldn’t an intelligent person agree with me?), or his/her spiritual nature.

     On the other extreme, a person may shut down communication if his/her spouse disagrees.  “Why continue talking if my mate refuses to listen,” is a common thought process.  Once communication is shut down, isolation grows deeper and deeper, and animosity and hard-heartedness toward one’s mate increases.

     Regardless of the response, communication is destroyed.  Blame, anger, disappointment, and other negative feelings quickly surfaces.  If you’re goal in communication is to make sure that your spouse believes and understands everything exactly as you do, then you are not participating in a marriage relationship—you are simply seeking to control another individual.

     So what do we do?  Even in disagreement, lovingly, gently, and respectfully acknowledge that you really, truly have heard your mate and you are aware of his/her feelings and emotions.  Accept that you are not always right, and even if you are right, your mate may need to come to the same place in a different way or at a different time.  Recognize that you have changed over time—you have not always believed everything you now believe or thought about everything exactly like you think now.  And most significantly, reaffirm that your love for your spouse and your commitment to the marriage.  Pray together and seek Christ’s will and especially Christ’s peace in your life.  Remember, you are one flesh, so listen and respond to your mate in the same way you would want someone to listen to and respond to you—EVEN IN DISAGREEMENT.

     Everybody wants to be heard.  Actively listening to and hearing your mate is critical to a healthy marriage.  But don’t shut your mate out just because he/she doesn’t always see everything exactly like you do.  God made us unique for a reason.  Use you and your mate’s uniqueness to help each other grow and mature.  You might not agree with me, but I’m thankful that you listened.

 _______________________

What does God want from my marriage?

  A Weekend Marriage Enrichment Retreat

Friday-Sunday, March 7-9, 2014

Edgewater at the Aquarium Hotel and Conference Center
Gatlinburg, TN

Limited to 30 couples

Email dfcamp@gmail.com for more info

__________________________________

 

Looking for a great Christmas gift for someone interested in creating or working on a powerful marriage ministry?  The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking.  Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com

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Money: A Mirror into your Marriage

     There is an old saying that “two can live as cheaply as one.”  While idealistic, that statement is not realistic (unless you add the second part, “but only for half as long”).  We live in a capitalist culture, so money is necessary to survive. A couple might think they can “live on love,” but Wal-Mart does not take “love” at the checkout counter. Love doesn’t pay the rent or mortgage. And the utility companies couldn’t care less how much you love your spouse; they’re still going to cut off your lights or water if you don’t pay the bill.

     Year after year, money is consistently one of the top causes of marital conflict and divorce.  Often, other issues can be traced back to money and the stresses associated with it.  Skewed financial priorities in marriage can manifest under labels like addictive behaviors (workaholic, gambling, shopaholic, substance abuse, etc.), mid-life crisis, and more.  Financial stresses can result in one or both partners acting out in inappropriate ways that range from deceitful behaviors (secret credit cards, hiding money from a spouse, lying about spending) to abusive behaviors, to illicit sexual behaviors.  Financial woes are also often attached to medical problems such as anxiety and depression.

     Given the power money and wealth can have, it’s no wonder scripture has so much to say about it.  But the ironic thing about money is that for all its power, it really doesn’t have any power.  You see, money is a tool.  Nothing more, nothing less.  In-and-of-itself, money is neither moral nor immoral.  It simply is.  Like everything else, it can be used properly and bring a husband and wife closer together and closer to God, or it can be used foolishly and drive a wedge between spouses while becoming an idol that replaces God.

     Money is a magnifier.  It takes the impulses and tendencies you already have and makes them obvious.  If you are greedy, money will make you more so.  If you obsess over control, money will reveal that.  If you are irresponsible, it will be reflected in how you use your finances.  If you are hateful, you will try to bully and manipulate people through money.  Money is a mirror into what is already in your heart, and it will be reflected into your marriage.

     So how do we magnify and reflect the right things for building a healthy, Christ-centered marriage?  Here are a few key principles:

• Never forget money is a spiritual matter.  Is Christ glorified in how you use your money?
• You and your spouse have to be on the same page.  When you agree on finances, you bring your priorities together, and spiritual priorities are revealed in the physical realities of how you use your finances.
• You and your spouse need equal input.  The marriage relationship requires that both spouses be involved in fully knowing how much is coming in, how much is going out, and where the money is going.  In marriage you are one, not two living in the same household.    The way you use money is a gauge—it is a gauge of your love, respect, and honor for your spouse.  Equal input builds up those qualities, while giving you a deeper understanding of what is important to each of you individually and what is important to you together as a couple.
• Budget.  If you don’t manage your money, your money will consistently manage you.  A budget allows you to be realistic about how much you have and what you honestly can and cannot do with your finances.  There are plenty of programs and resources for helping couples prioritize and manage money.  For the good of your relationship, find some system that you can both agree on and share in.
• Learn to discern between wants and needs.  In an advertising culture that thrives on creating discontentment, it can be easy to label wants as needs.  When you learn to discern wants from needs, managing money becomes a much easier task.
• Don’t get caught up in materialism.  The more obsessed you become in pursuing “stuff,” the less likely you will be to pursue each other.  If you do not find joy and contentment in your marriage without money, you will not find it with money.  Money might mask or suppress certain issues, but problems that existed before you have money will resurface after you have money, and often in worse ways.
• Give.  The greatest way to free yourself spiritually is by looking beyond yourself to others.  When you and your spouse participate together in giving to others, it does something to your own relationship.  No matter how much you have, God has given to you generously.  Share God’s goodness with others so that they can see him in your own marriage relationship.
• Remember that life happens, so save.  People get laid off and fired.  Economies tank.  Cars break down.  Kids go to college.  Medical bills happen.  Retirement eventually comes.  Saving is not an excuse for being stingy or greedy, but it is wise to have some reserves built up (Proverbs 21:20).  Our trust is in God who feeds the birds and clothes the flowers (Matthew 6:25-34), but God also gives us the wisdom to not waste what we have, and the commission to take care of our own families’ needs.

     Most discussions about money and marriage are no great revelation, but typically it is the simple day-to-day things in marriage that we need to be reminded of most often.  God uses both rich people and poor people to fulfill his purposes.  Take an honest assessment.  What does the way you spend your money reflect and magnify about you?  About your marriage?  About your spiritual life together as a couple?

_______________________

What does God want from my marriage?

  A Weekend Marriage Enrichment Retreat

Friday-Sunday, March 7-9, 2014

Edgewater at the Aquarium Hotel and Conference Center
Gatlinburg, TN

Limited to 30 couples

Email dfcamp@gmail.com for more info

__________________________________

 

Is your church doing everything it can to help facilitate healthy marriages?  Are you sure?  The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking.  Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com
 

  

Top image credit: <a href='http://www.123rf.com/photo_784689_a-bride-and-groom-on-a-money-background.html'>karenr / 123RF Stock Photo</a>

The "Hot" Light Is On

     What dessert or treat do you and your spouse most enjoy sharing together?  For some, there’s nothing better than a dozen fresh, hot Krispy Kreme donuts.  When the neon “hot” sign is lit up and you watch the freshly baked delicacy move down the conveyer through the waterfall of glaze, it’s like an irresistible impulse draws you in. Those donuts just simply melt in your mouth!  A dozen fresh Krispy Kremes don’t last long, and sometimes they might not even last through the drive home.  Is there a dessert or treat that you and your mate simply can’t resist?

     The Song of Songs celebrates the sexual relationship.  Both the Lover and the Beloved describe sex as a delicacy they anxiously desire to share with each other.  “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue…Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere.  Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” (Song of Songs 4:11, 16)

     When was the last time you thanked God for your sex life?  When was the last time you and your spouse together thanked God for your sex life?  For some people, this is a really, really weird question.  After many years of premarital counseling, I’ve noticed that often couples who grew up with a strong church background are the ones most reluctant to see sex as a spiritual blessing.

     God created sex, and sex is good.  I certainly don’t mean that in a flippant way.  Scripture tells us that everything God made is good, and Genesis 1:27-28 tells us that God made them male and female and God told them to reproduce (have sex) and fill the earth.  God created sex, and sex is good.  And God didn’t just create the act of sex.  He created humanity to be sexual beings, giving us marriage as a holy relationship for sexual expression.

     Sex is meant to be a monogamous relationship between one man and one woman and kept within the context of marriage for the purpose of procreation and recreation.  But sex is also very powerful.  Sex, if abused and taken out of the context God intended, can harm a marriage and destroy any true sense of intimacy and goodness.  Sex can be used to coerce, demean, or belittle one’s mate as easily as it can be used to bring pleasure and intimate connection to a marriage.  Because sex is so powerful, God (who knows infinitely more than us) provides boundaries for sexual expression between a husband and wife.  Those boundaries protect us and enhance intimacy and spiritual growth.

     So what are the boundaries God gives us for the sexual relationship?  While the Bible does have a lot to say about marriage and the sexual relationship, there is not a single specific passage that puts it all in one place.  When we look at scripture holistically, this is what we find:

A husband and wife are free to engage each other sexually,

provided it is monogamous (Hebrews 13:4),

mutually consensual (1 Corinthians 7:3-5),

and doesn’t dehumanize or harm you or your spouse physically, emotionally, or spiritually (Genesis 1:27-28)

     First, the sexual relationship must remain monogamous.  Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”  God wants a husband and wife to enjoy and grow in intimacy toward each other without anyone else interfering with that relationship.  If physical intimacy is compromised, then emotional, social, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy are likewise affected.

     “Keeping the marriage bed pure” means both physically and mentally.  Whether it is through the use of pornography or through inappropriate fantasies of someone (real or imagined) other than your spouse, bringing someone else into the marriage bed diminishes your relationship with your spouse.

     Second, the sexual relationship must be mutually consensual.  1 Corinthians 7:3-5 reads, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.  The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.  Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”  Yielding authority over your body to your mate does not give either partner the right to be selfish or demanding in the sexual relationship.  It does mean that you find mutually enjoyable ways to satisfy each other sexually.

     However, the premise of mutually consensual acts does not supersede the third boundary.  The sexual relationship must not dehumanize or harm either spouse physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  Genesis 1:27-28 makes it clear that we are made in the image of God, and it is imperative that you always regard and treat your spouse as an image-bearer of God.  Being an image-bearer of God means there is something unique about humanity.  Because men and women are created in the image of God, we are endowed by God with an intellect, a moral compass, and a desire for community that reflects the relationship of Father, Son, and Spirit, and God’s desire for community with us.  Being made in the image of God elevates sex from a purely physical, animalistic act to a holy participation in God’s loving and creative work in this world.

     When we keep the sexual relationship within the boundaries God provides, we protect our mates’ hearts and minds.  We give our spouses a framework for intimacy that draws us closer to them and closer to God.

     You can’t base a marriage on sex alone, but the sexual relationship also should not be minimized or separated from your Christian life.  When you got married, you desired each other sexually, and sex was an important and regular part of your relationship.  As you grow older and mature as a couple, some aspects of the sexual relationship may have to change, but don’t let change become an excuse for depriving your mate.  In Scripture, the spiritual and the physical are tied together.  Depriving your mate breaks a deeply meaningful and intimate connection that should be shared only between the two of you.  Sex is one of the most powerful elements of human relationships.  It can be used destructively in a relationship to manipulate, coerce, humiliate, or demean your spouse.  It can also be used to bring glory and honor to God as a husband and wife share in the wonderful gift and ultimate physical expression of intimacy that God has given to humanity.  Pay attention to your sexual relationship, enjoy this wonderful way of engaging each other that God has given to you and your spouse (and the two of you alone) to enjoy together, and thank God when “the hot light” is on.

_______________________

What does God want from my marriage?

  A Weekend Marriage Enrichment Retreat

Friday-Sunday, March 7-9, 2014

Edgewater at the Aquarium Hotel and Conference Center
Gatlinburg, TN

Limited to 30 couples

Email dfcamp@gmail.com for more info

__________________________________

 

Is your church doing everything it can to help facilitate healthy marriages?  Are you sure?  The Marriage-Friendly Church is available now and gives you the questions every church needs to be asking.  Available at 21st Century Christian or on Amazon.com