In marriage, we often try to motivate our spouses. It doesn’t matter
what the goal of the motivation is. It could be anything from losing
weight or paying better attention to physical health, to not giving up on a job
search, to paying more attention to spiritual growth, to helping with household
chores, to going back to school for a new job opportunity, to minding the way
he/she communicates, or anything else. The important question is, how do
you try to motivate your spouse? The way you try to motivate your mate
says a lot about your relationship. Respect, mutual submission, what you
value, how you view your marriage covenant, and so much more comes into play.
Sadly, many people try to motivate their spouse in negative ways. When
you try to motivate your spouse, do you repeatedly point out her faults? “I
don’t have much hope that this will work because you never stick with anything
you start.” Do you compare him unfavorably to other husbands? “Leah’s
husband helps around the house without her having to ask. What’s wrong
with you?” Do you make her feel stupid or worthless with your
comments? “Wow, if everyone thought about that like you do, we’d be in a
real mess.” Do you yell at him or try to shame him into a different
way of behaving? “What kind of man are you! A real man wouldn’t do
that!” Do you try to make her feel guilty? “Fine, I’ve
worked all day and I’m exhausted, but I’ll take care of it because obviously
you aren’t going to do it.” Typically, negative motivation yields
negative results. Rather than making a change to escape the negative berating,
many times a spouse will just dig in his/her heels and sink deeper into the
undesirable behavior.
Now and again, we do all need “a wake-up call” and more direct and
straight-forward communication is required, but when you attempt to motivate
your spouse, don’t forget three things:
- First, the primary calling lived out in marriage is to love God and to love your neighbor as yourself. Since your spouse is your closest, most intimate neighbor, that is the place to start living out God’s love, graciousness, mercy, forgiveness, and kindness.
- Second, don’t forget you are one flesh. Don’t say or do anything to your spouse that you wouldn’t want said or done to you. Words and actions carry an impact, so carefully guard how you choose to motivate your spouse. What you say and do in anger or frustration can have a lasting effect.
- And third, we all need motivation from time to time. Marriage should be a place in which we are challenged; but make sure you are challenging your spouse in ways that will allow you to grow together toward holiness and Kingdom living.
Next time you need to make changes in your life, I pray that your
marriage will be a safe harbor of loving motivation. Next time you want
to motivate your spouse, I pray that you do it out of a selfless desire to
better your relationship in Christ, not a selfish desire to make your spouse
conform to your wishes. I pray that we never allow anger, shame, guilt,
frustration, or selfishness to become our driving force in helping our mates
change for the better.
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