One of the most important things a couple can do is to keep a running
list of positive interactions with their spouse and positive behaviors that
they see in their spouse. I’m not
necessarily talking about monumental things like “We won the lottery,” or “We just had five
straight days of mind-blowing sex,” (although those should both make the
list). Rather, I am referring to the
daily things that make life good; the things that remind you of God’s presence
in your covenant marriage relationship.
It might be things like “He put a sweet note in my lunch bag,” or “She
saw that I was stressed and knew just what to say,” or “He prayed with me
today,” or “She kept me laughing all night long.”
You see, there is an inescapable principle in marriage. Your perception will always become your
reality. If you see your marriage as a
place of tension, or frustration, or sadness, you will look for things that
reinforce that perception, and that perception will become the reality of your
day-to-day life. But if you see your
marriage as a place of safety, and blessing, and goodness, and love, then you
will notice the things that reinforce that perception, and that perception will
become your daily reality.
Our perceptions are always fueled by the messages we tell ourselves
internally, and that we receive externally.
When you regularly speak blessings, and encouragement, and gratitude
into your mate’s life, you shape his/her perception of the entire
marriage. And, the more positive the
external messages from one’s spouse, the more likely that person is to tell herself/
himself positive messages internally about the relationship. Hence, the power of a positives list.
When keeping a positives list, write it down. Whether pen-to-paper or typed into your phone,
it becomes so much more concrete when you write it down, than if you try to
keep up with a list in your head.
Then, sit down with your spouse without distractions at least once a
week and share the good you’ve seen in each other. The positives list doesn’t mean much if it’s
not shared with the one you love.
(Remember though, it is not a competition. If she comes up with twenty-five things, but
he only comes up with seven, that’s okay.
Appreciate the goodness you are speaking into each other’s lives.)
If you and your spouse make a positives list a regular part of your
week, you will see two powerful things happen.
First, when conflict does occur, you will have an anchor point to come
back to, to keep your marriage rooted in the positive interactions. And second, you will be able to more easily
separate a negative incident from who you truly are as a couple. An argument is something that happened, but
the positive things you see in each other is who you are.
Take the challenge, and for the next month, keep a positives list. See how those messages shape your perception
and shape your reality as husband and wife.
