One of the places that many couples struggle is in growing together
spiritually. While they may attend
worship or church related activities together, and both might be quick to
acknowledge the place of God in their lives, their practice indicates a disconnect
on spirituality being a shared endeavor.
In many ways, this is a byproduct of the American culture which often
promotes and embodies an independent spirit.
For decades, that independent spirit was co-opted by churches which
emphasized a “personal faith journey.”
Yes, we are all on a personal faith journey, and yes, there are some
positive aspects to that independent spirit.
But if we’re not careful, adopting that attitude wholesale can be
crippling to couples seeking a shared spiritual intimacy.
In 25+ years of pastoral and
clinical counseling, it has been my experience that most couples do a good job
of praying for each other, but most
do a poor job of praying with each
other, and there is a profound difference in the two. Why do couples struggle to pray
together? Because the independent spirit
tells us that intimate prayer can only be a deeply personal thing, not to be
shared with anyone else. That same logic
permeates scripture reading when we think, “I must find the meaning for me in
the text”, worship when we tell ourselves, “I will go to church and sit with my
spouse, but worship is meant to be a private experience”, and communion when we
say, “Please don’t interrupt my time with God.” Independence-seeking thought
processes are applied to so many other spiritual disciplines as well.
In the next few posts, I want to offer some suggestions on how couples
can engage in some more common spiritual disciplines but view them in a new
light that will stimulate a healthier, more Christ-centered spiritual intimacy
for you as a couple. Before launching
into that though, I think it is important to lay some ground work on what
does and does not promote spiritual intimacy.
First, it is important to remember that we are all on an individual
spiritual journey. While that sounds
contradictory to the purpose of these posts, it is not. You and your spouse have different life
experiences which have shaped your spiritual perspectives. What was your church experience growing
up? What do you continue to hold on to
from that time and what have you let go of?
How strongly is your spiritual identity linked to a family
identity? Hopefully, you have continually
grown and matured in your spirituality throughout your life, but you are still
a product of what has come before. So,
it is important that in sharing spiritual disciplines as a couple that you don’t
try to force your mate to be where you are.
He/she may not yet have arrived (or they may have long since left that
place). To force your views with shame,
guilt, or references to damnation is spiritual abuse and bullying.
Second, practicing a couple-centered spirituality isn’t a replacement
for individual spiritual practices (again, not a contradiction to the purpose
of these posts). Instead, it should be
an enhancement. Your individual faith is best lived out in the context of your relationship with your spouse. Because of the close
intimate nature of marriage, it can be difficult to open up to your mate in
such a vulnerable way, but that level of transparency brings a connection that
moves you and your mate closer and closer to the ideal of “naked and not
ashamed.” If there are still some things
you need to keep just between you and God right now, that’s okay— just don't settle for shutting your mate out forever. Like all spiritual disciplines and practices,
couple-centered spiritual disciplines is a process that will take time to be more fully realized.
Third, allow your mate to ask the hard questions. Spiritual growth is not about painting a naïve
or unrealistic picture of who God is or how this world operates, or shutting
down things that challenge your current paradigm. It is about living in the tension between
trusting God and struggling with what appears to be unfair or even unanswerable
questions. Why do I feel this way? Why did that have to happen? Where do I go from here? Why me?
God, are you really even there? We
all wrestle with these questions from time to time, and as you and your mate
practice spiritual disciplines together, allowing the rawness of what you are
experiencing in life to come out with your mate will ultimately bring you
closer to each other and closer to God.
As you think about engaging in spiritual disciplines with your spouse, you
might want to click here to read a previous post from several years ago that
looked at ways we can destroy spiritual intimacy in marriage.
To engage in spiritual disciplines with your spouse can be one of the
most difficult things you commit to, but can also be one of the most rewarding,
both for you as an individual and for you and your covenant love as a
couple. In the next post, we’ll begin
looking at specific disciplines.
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