Look what you made me do!

     “Ooh, look what you made me do.”  Sadly, this isn’t just the lyrics from a Taylor Swift song.  It is the mantra of our culture.  We live in a society that for the most part wants any unfavorable outcome to be someone else’s fault.  Isn’t it always easier to say, “Look what YOU made me do” than it is to be accountable, take responsibility for our own choices, and say “look what I chose to do.”

     Sadly, this same mentality permeates too many marriages.  But it’s not a new problem.  It goes all the way back to the beginning of time.

God:   Adam, did you eat from the tree that I told you not to eat from?
Adam:  Thanks a lot Eve.  Look what you made me do.  Oh, and thanks to you too God.  After all, you gave me this woman.  Look what you made me do.
God:  Eve, did you eat from the tree that I told you not to eat from?
Eve:  Don’t look at me.  It was the serpent.  Look what he made me do.

     The blame game continually invades marriages.  A person gives in to his/her selfishness, and immediately, there are accusations, rationalizations, and justifications for why a really bad choice, a choice that wreaks havoc in the marriage, was made.

“If you’d had sex with me more often, I wouldn’t be looking at porn all the time.  Look what you made me do.”

“If you would have listened, I wouldn’t have had to yell at you and call you all those awful names.  Look what you made me do.”

"If you had just given me what I wanted, I wouldn’t have had to open up that secret credit card.  Look what you made me do.”

     Whether mundane matters of life or more serious issues, and whether you use the actual words or not, if you catch yourself thinking any variation of the idea, “Look what you made me do,” it’s time to take a step back and examine yourself.  What is your motivation for saying such a thing?  What part of your own responsibility are you denying in the current situation?  How is blaming and belittling and disparaging your spouse going to affect your marriage?  What words and actions do you need to choose to successfully walk through a dark valley with your spouse, rather than isolating yourself by throwing your spouse under the bus?

     There are a lot of things in this world that we can’t control, but the one thing you can control is you.  No one, including your spouse, can make you do anything you don’t want to do.*  Rather than continually living in, “Look what you made me do,” what do you need to do to be honest with yourself and say, “Look what I did.  What do I need to do to heal, restore, and reconcile our relationship?”

*This post is intended to address normal marital conflict.  If there is physical coercion, intimidation, abuse, or other behaviors that represent a danger to your well-being, seek immediate protective help.