How should a church response to marital distress

“What do you think happened between them?”

 “Do you think he was having an affair?”

 “I’ll bet he tried to hold it together, but she just up and left.”

 “She probably just got tired of living with someone so mean.”

 “I’ve heard she was abusing him, but he was too ashamed to leave sooner.”

             If you’ve ever had a couple in your church family to split up, undoubtedly you have heard comments similar to those above, as well as many others.  Whether it was an obviously troubled couple or a couple that hid the depth of their marital distress from everyone, a failed marriage can rock a congregation to its core.

            When a marriage fails, the church family’s response is critical.  Regrettably, the response of many is often guided by wrong motives and demonstrated with inappropriate actions.  Ill-timed or just downright insensitive comments are made about and to the individuals involved.  Judgments are made, often based on gossip.  The result is that a brother and sister in Christ who are already hurting beyond belief are hurt yet again, and by their spiritual family no less.

Our human nature leads us to want to know what happened.  But for what purpose?  One can easily justify his or her quest for information with thoughts like, “I need to know what happened so that I can help,” or “As a member of this congregation, I have a right to know about things that go on.”  The reality is, many typically want to know to satisfy their own morbid curiosity, or to feel some sense of power from “being in the know.”  They want to be able to tell others (knowing of course whoever they tell will keep it in confidence).  They want to be able to make assumptions, devise scenarios in their heads, and use their “vast wisdom” to discern who is at fault, dispense advice, and determine on which side of the contention everyone should stand.

The way these things usually unfold is painful enough for the couple involved, but sometimes the church family makes it even more painful.    Sadly, some Christians will even lie or misrepresent their role in order to cajole “juicy information” out of others who might be more closely aware of a couple’s situation.

So, what do we do when we learn a couple in our congregation is in severe marital distress?  Obviously, every situation is unique and will demand prayerful discernment for how best to react in a given context.  That being said though, there are some good general guidelines we should consider.  First, remember that unless you are personally involved in the marital conflict, it is very likely that you do not know the full story about what is or was going on behind closed doors.  Some are quick to become emotionally involved, either siding with the spouse who is a closer friend or perhaps the spouse of the same sex, without really knowing what has transpired.

Second, we tend to forget that each of the spouses involved in the marital conflict are viewing the situation from a uniquely distinct perspective.  There are two sides to every story, and both sides are probably prejudiced in some way.  Women are typically cast as “the poor, pitiful victim” and men as “the mean, heartless aggressor.”  Sometimes this is true, and sometimes it is not, but immediately leaping to such conclusions can hinder your effectiveness in being able to accurately assess a situation.  Whether the partners vilify each other or just one becomes the public focus of blame, remember, the “obvious bad guy” is not always so obvious in many cases.

Third, often, we only see the explosion.  In most cases we do not see the lighting of the fuse or the slow burn that precedes the blow up.  A marriage can be in ever-increasing distress for years before the depth of problems finally comes to a head and becomes public knowledge.

When a couple splits up, here are some specific things we need to remember*:

• Our calling is to pray for healing and restoration for both parties involved.  It is NOT to try and dig up details or go on a hunt for information.

• Be willing to listen to the wounded party, but let the person involved lead the conversation.  If there is information the husband or wife involved wants you to have, he or she will tell you.  Otherwise, let it go.  Your job is not to be a private investigator.

• If you are talking to one party, don’t pass judgment or make disparaging remarks about the other party.  Remember, the one speaking to you is coming from a distinct point of view (that is likely currently hostile toward his/her spouse), and you likely do not know the full story.  And, you are still accountable before God for what you say, even if it is in “defense” of his/her situation.

• Finally, do not attempt to give advice or counseling that you are not qualified to give, whether it is pastoral, financial, legal, or spiritual.  A well-intended person, in the name of helping and protecting their friend, can heighten already raw emotions, propagate anger and hatred, and deepen the rift between spouses causing more damage than before you became involved.  When a marriage is in deep distress, it often takes a professional counselor or mediator to prevent it from further digressing into “he said, she said” and “Well if that’s the way he/she’s going to act, then here’s what you need to do” type of advice.  Elders, ministers, and church leaders should consider carefully whether they are properly trained to respond to a marital crisis within their congregation.  Such training from qualified sources should be regularly offered and updated.

Marital digression and failure is horrific.  It hurts the individuals involved, it hurts their families (especially the children), it hurts their friends, and it hurts the church family.  However, we must be on guard that as Christians and as a spiritual family we don’t increase the problem rather than help heal a couple’s pain.  If you feel called to offer help or comfort but you don’t know what to say, then don’t say anything.  Just let your presence, open ears, and a closed mouth (especially in “sharing” information with others) speak for you.  Be ready to refer the person to someone who is trained and equipped to help.

Eventually, judgments may have to be made and there may be a time for decisive action on the part of the church’s leaders.  This process should be informed by careful theology that incorporates your church’s theology of marriage, divorce, and remarriage, and forgiveness, grace, and redemption.  Church leaders must be as certain as possible that they are acting godly and from a heart of compassion for both parties involved.  Just as with the initial reaction, every step of the way should be well planned and carried out.  We cannot prevent marital conflict, but we can move from a reactive to a proactive stance in our church culture.

* Obviously, a different approach needs to be taken if there is suspicion or evidence of the threat of one party harming himself/herself, or of physical abuse by one or both parties toward the other.