The Marriage Blog

Monday, September 28, 2015

Right or righteous...

Years ago, I was teaching a Bible class, and a gentleman in the class gave a rather pointed answer to a question. His wife apparently did not agree with his answer, and after some discussion, in frustration said, “You always think you’re right don’t you.” He replied, “Why would I waste my time being wrong?”

There is a definitive difference between being right and being righteous. It is a good thing to be right, to know the facts, to be certain of what you believe, to have conviction and surety. Being right gives us a sense of clarity, and order, and direction.

The problem is, the quest to be right can easily spiral into a too-narrowly-focused, selfish, self-centered existence, which causes one to quickly lose sight of others. Being right can actually blind us spiritually and emotionally, and our pride can cause us to justify wounding others to prove our own superior understanding.

In John 8:2-11, the Pharisees bring before Jesus a woman who was caught in adultery. They are one hundred percent right that she committed the act. They are undeniably right that the Law of Moses commands that such women were to be stoned to death. They were right in so many regards, and Jesus did not contradict the true facts they proclaimed. But in their zeal to be right (and to discredit someone else in the process), they failed miserably at being righteous. Jesus was both right and righteous. He did not compromise the truth (“Go now and leave your life of sin.”), but at the same time he didn’t forget that the woman was a daughter of God who needed mercy and compassion (“Then neither do I condemn you.”).

Truth and integrity are absolutely necessary for a healthy marriage, for a meaningful life, for forgiveness and reconciliation to be possible, and for real intimacy. But “being right” can become a destructive, self-righteousness that drives a deep wedge between spouses. So what is the balance between “right” that harms a marriage, and “righteousness” that blesses a marriage? Before you try to convince your spouse that you are right, consider the following:

You cannot behave in a way that is contrary to God’s call for all Christians, and particular for a covenant spouse, and still be right. Our righteousness is proven by our actions, not just the “rightness” of our words. How you communicate truth matters. Is your focus on bettering the marriage, or is your satisfaction in being right and proving your mate wrong?
Context always matters. You and your mate do not have the same background, the same life experiences, or the same feelings, so you will see some things differently. It is entirely possible for two people to see the exact same set of facts and interpret them in different ways, and both perspectives be correct.
Life is interpreted through a lens, and if your lens is the Christian faith, then the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control) will always guide your interactions as you share your convictions.

In John 8:32, Jesus undeniable says, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” Sadly, too many spouses have used this to beat each other up with “being right.” Don’t forget this statement was preceded with “If you hold to my teachings, you are really my disciples, THEN, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” You can be right and still not be a disciple of Jesus. You can be right and not be righteous, but righteousness always demands truth, integrity, and a love that honors your mate. So next time you and your spouse have a disagreement, it’s okay to be right, but it’s far better to be righteous.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Deferred maintenance...

“There was a significant amount of deferred maintenance present throughout the property and exterior grounds at the time of the inspection, and this property probably needs significant renovation, remodeling, refurbishment, or rehabilitation.”

That was the opening statement on the inspector’s reports for the home my wife and I were considering buying. The location was where we wanted. The yard was what we wanted. Buying this house would eliminate 6 to 8 hours of drive time per week for us. It even had a pool (of course the above mentioned “deferred maintenance” also extended to the pool, which had a small tree or two growing in it).

For most people, a house like this one is the perfect invitation to look elsewhere. I’m not a do-it-yourself guy who loves this kind of thing. We’re not house flippers. And, the reality is the investment of time and energy, not to mention money, can seem overwhelming. But we still bought it. Why? Because we saw what it could be. Yes, it had been neglected and had fallen into serious disrepair, but we knew what was once a nice house could be a nice house again.

In pastoral and clinical counseling sessions, I’ve worked with a lot of couples who have allowed their marriages to fall into disrepair because of “a significant amount of deferred maintenance.” At first, they talked freely, but over time it became easier to just not talk at all. For a while, husband and wife always saw the best in each other, but eventually all they could see was animosity in the relationship. Responsibility and accountability were a cornerstone of security in the relationship, but eventually blame and a victim mentality eroded the foundation. Lovers used to be able to come home to intimacy, but less and less physical contact led to a non-existent emotional connection. Patience and forgiveness were freely given and received, but eventually only broken promises and grudges tarnished the landscape. Slowly, what was once a beautiful, Christ-centered, haven of goodness and blessing became a gloomy eyesore that only brought anxiety and pain.

And just like with the house, rather than remembering what was and seeing what it could be again, it became easier to look elsewhere. Sometimes it was with another person, either physically or emotionally. Sometimes it was through work or hobbies. Sometimes it was through alcohol, or drugs, or pornography, or other addictions. Sometimes it was through an overpowering apathy that caused one or both spouses to just become numb.

Our house didn’t go from a beautiful home to a fixer-upper overnight. It took a long time to get to the state of disrepair it was in when we bought it, and we knew it wouldn’t become what we knew it could be overnight. It was going to take a serious investment from us in every way. At times it has been frustrating. At times we have wanted to quit. Often, we’ve asked ourselves, “Is this really worth it?” But the thing that keeps us going is hope—hope that something so much better is coming, hope that we don’t have to live in…well…hopelessness. Every accomplishment, every freshly painted wall, every new piece of flooring, every time another room in the house is transformed, our hope is renewed and we press on, knowing we are making a house our home.

When a marriage falls into “a significant amount of deferred maintenance,” it did not happen overnight, and it will heal overnight. Trust will have to be restored. Intimacy will have to be rekindled. Couples will have to re-learn selfless love over selfish expectations. Healthy boundaries will have to be redrawn. Transparency will have to be renewed. But it can be done. And as the relationship is being rebuilt, celebrate victories (no matter how large or small), and above all else, hold on to hope—the hope that our God is a God of restoration, and he can restore your covenant marriage.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Change is coming: The 10th Axiom of Marriage

Aren’t you glad that you and your spouse are exactly like you were when you married. Isn’t it great that you still both look exactly the same, think exactly the same, act and react exactly the same, and that life hasn’t thrown you any circumstances that have radically reoriented your marriage relationship. I sure am glad that is the case for Lisa and me.

Obviously, I’m being a bit facetious and sarcastic. Whether you’ve been married less than a month or over 60 years, as you and your covenant lover go through life together, the only guarantee that you have is the 10^th Axiom of Marriage: In marriage, THINGS WILL CHANGE, and your relationship will be dependent on how you and your spouse navigate changes. Everything—physical health, communication, intimacy, family relationships, (possibly) mental health, social relationships, spirituality—will change. Sometimes change comes slowly and sometimes change comes quickly. However it happens, you have to expect change.

The key question is how will you respond when change happens? Remember, no matter what stage you are at in your marriage, Satan will always be working to destroy your covenant relationship, either through neglect or through more aggressive means. When your spouse doesn’t look like she used to, do you begin comparing her unfavorably to others? When your sex life changes, do you seek intimate connections elsewhere? When your mate’s spiritual beliefs change, do you condemn him or recognize that you are both on a spiritual journey and he may be at a different place? When age or illness causes physical disabilities, do you see helping her as a burden or as a blessing? When he has a hard time relating to your adult children, do you talk negatively about him in front of the kids, or help him through that difficult transition? Remember, Satan is always looking for changes in your marriage relationship that can be exploited to drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

Obviously, every couple is different and is living out their own unique story. However, here are some general thoughts for navigating change:

Keep your relationship anchored in Christ. It is always easy to let your marriage become directed by the world, but your love for God is always evidenced by how you love your spouse. Pray with each other always.
Remind yourself of your marriage covenant on a regular basis. Whether it’s re-watching your marriage video, renewing your vows, or just reflecting daily on the blessings your spouse brings to your life, continually reinforce a positive perspective of your marriage relationship.
Express your love both in word and in deed often. Your mate needs to hear and see your love on a regular basis so that there is never any doubt in his/her mind.
How you communicate might change, but don’t let communication die or the relationship will die with it. Without communication spouses become isolated and lose connection with each other. Healthy, regular communication is necessary for any relationship to work.
Consistently revisit your expectations (personally, for each other, and for the marriage). Do this especially when changes occur. When life takes you in a different direction, it is too easy to assume your mate will know what you think, feel, or need, and then to become upset or offended when he/she doesn’t respond accordingly.
Handle conflict in a timely manner. If conflict is not addressed, walls will build up between you and your spouse.
Practice forgiveness on an ongoing basis. Forgive your mate and forgive yourself. Don’t let the poisonous root of anger, resentment, and guilt kill your marriage.
Continually guard each other’s hearts and minds. Proverbs 4:23 reminds us that it is the well-spring of life; your own personal spiritual life and the life of your marriage.
How you express intimacy may have to change, but don’t let intimacy slip away. Showing intimacy—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and spiritually—is always necessary for a healthy connection.
Recognize the power and necessity of acceptance. Your spouse won’t always look the same. Your spouse may not always think about things exactly the same. You may face changes in your family structure. When changes occur, it is critical to let your spouse know that you accept him/her for who he/she is. To bemoan what you cannot change is hurtful to your spouse and negatively impacts your marriage.
Constantly check where you are spending your time and your resources because that is what you value. Your resources always flow to your priorities, so at every stage, with every significant change, verify what is really important to you.
Don’t wait until the elusive “later” to enjoy your time and do things with your mate. It is always easy to wait for “a more convenient time,” but tomorrow doesn’t always come. Live within your means, but don’t live with regrets over the simple pleasures in life that you were too busy to enjoy.
Play together and laugh together often. Few things can connect you to your mate as intimately and powerfully as playing together. And, when the uncertainty of change looms darkly on the horizon, shared play and laughter can alleviate anxiety and worry better than anything else.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. There is no shame in needing help. When different experiences of life present problems you’ve never encountered before, seek the counsel of other godly couples who have walked that road ahead of you.
And most importantly, use your marriage in God’s kingdom at every step. The list of ways you can use your marriage to serve God’s Kingdom is endless. And what you are able to do at one stage of life might be different from what you are able to do at another. Just be intentional to do something together to serve God’s Kingdom at every step of the way.

Change is often confusing and trying. We are resistant to change because it is frequently accompanied by the unknown, and that can be scary. The blessed promise of a Christ-centered marriage is that God has given us someone with whom we can face the challenges of life. Whether we are singing praises to God on a mountain top or walking through the valley of the shadow of death, we know God is with us because our spouse is with us.

Together, embrace the joys and blessings that come with each stage of life. Together, love each other through the hardships and pain. Together, use your marriage powerfully in God’s Kingdom. Be the very presence of Christ for your mate in every way possible—in love, in forgiveness, in grace, in mercy, in selflessness, and in goodness. When you do that, change will still happen…but it will be a whole lot less disorienting.

_________________________

To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 8^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 9^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

Monday, July 13, 2015

The 9th Axiom of Marriage: Time and Money Tell the Truth

You can tell me all day long what is important to you and your spouse, individually or as a couple. But if I can see your checkbook register and your daily schedule, I’ll tell you what’s really important to you. The 9^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Your resources always flow to your priorities. Where you spend your time and your money indicates where your priorities lie within a marriage.” This is an inescapable truth. Your time and your money will always go to your priorities. And in a marriage relationship, it will be the strongest mirror of what is important to each spouse individually, and the main indicator of whether or not you and your spouse are on the same page about what is really important to you as a couple.

When a couple agrees on how to spend time and finances, you are bringing your priorities together. All of your relational priorities—spiritual, emotional, social, intellectual, and intimate—are revealed in the physical realities of how you use your two greatest resources. While you may not always be in 100% agreement, you and your spouse need equal input on how you manage your money and time. In marriage you are one, not two living in the same household. The way you use your time and money is a gauge—it is a gauge of your love, respect, and honor for your spouse. Equal input builds up those qualities, while giving you a deeper understanding of what is important to each of you individually and what is really important to you together as a couple.

For some couples, there is a real temptation to say, “Our time and money don’t say much about our priorities, because we don’t have enough of either to say anything.” But the reality is, that is when it says the most about what you and your mate value. When hard choices and sacrifices have to be made, that is when our strongest priorities rise to the surface. It is in times of want that you best see you and your mate’s core convictions, desires, and drives.

Whether you are living in a time of plenty or a time of need, a busy season of life or a time of relaxation—I would challenge you to sit down with your spouse and take an honest look at where your money and time are going. Compare your calendars and see where you are spending time, both individually and together. Look at your finances. As your priorities come to light, ask yourself some questions.

"According to where we spend our time and money..."

...what do I value most?
...what does my spouse value most?
...how aware are we of each other’s priorities (actual priorities as reflected by the daily schedules and bank statements, not just what we wish for or proclaim)?
...are our values in line with each other, or in contrast to each other?
...do I try to hide or distract my mate from where I am spending time or money?
...what do our priorities say about marriage, children, family, and having appropriate boundaries?
...most importantly, what does the flow of our resources say about our spirituality and how we use our marriage within the Kingdom of God?

Honestly evaluating one’s self and together honestly evaluating the marriage relationship can be a sobering undertaking. But knowing your priorities, knowing your spouse’s priorities, and knowing where your priorities line up and where they diverge will open up new conversations—conversations that will lead to a healthier marriage and a better understanding of each other.