Ground Hog's Day and Marriage...

    Well, Punxsutawney Phil, the nation’s unofficial official groundhog, has made his appearance for 2019. The ultimate question that he has to answer every year is, “Is winter almost over, or is there more bad weather to come?”  Now, if you live in a climate that is warm year round, then you probably don’t care.  But if you live in a place that has been slammed by snow and ice, you’re probably looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.  You’ve survived, but you are tired, isolated, and ready for something better.

     Have you ever been at that point in your marriage?  Marriage is always a challenge, because you are bringing together two imperfect people who will make mistakes from time to time.  Any marriage will have times of joy, excitement, and life, but it will also have times of sadness, stress, and lifeless broken-heartedness.  When we are walking through the dark valleys of pain and loneliness, we want to know when it will finally be over and we will see the sun again.  “The car repair will cost how much?”  “Are you sure that is the diagnosis?”  “Our child was caught doing what?”  “My job is being ‘phased out’ how soon?”  “How much longer does my sister have?”  “Why is our church in such an uproar?”  “Where will we find the time to take care of that?”

     When the days come, and your marriage feels the strain of your seemingly never ending "winter of discontent," here are a few things that can make the long nights easier.

     First, do your best to maintain a healthy environment for your marriage.  Encourage each other.  Show gratitude.  Give compliments. As you are able, take on tasks the other one normally does.  Speak your love and show your love, even if the emotion is not present at the moment.  This is not always easy, especially if you feel like lately all you do is argue, but it is so important during these times to do everything you can to cultivate a good environment.

     Second, pray together often.  Pray during times of conflict.  Pray honestly.  Pray humbly.  Give God thanks as much as you pray for things you need.  Pray for each other.  Especially pray with each other.

     Third, don’t isolate yourself.  It is easy to feel alone during stressful times.  Sometimes a spouse doesn’t know what to say to his/her mate, but the mistake we make is withdrawing if we don’t know what to say.  If you mate is hurting, just be present for him/her.  One of the greatest blessings of marriage is that you have someone to walk with you through the dark valley. 

     Fourth, forgive.  Your spouse will make mistakes, but you will too.  If you both keep score of offenses, you will be locked in a downward spiral.  Failure to forgive is poison to a marriage relationship.

     Fifth, find hope.  During stressful times, it is easy to see everything through a dark filter.  Celebrate every victory, no matter how seemingly insignificant, and keep your hope alive.  If a dark shadow is hovering over your relationship, look for any place that a sunbeam can break through.  Our perception becomes our reality, and hope creates a positive perspective that will help a couple survive.

     In case you didn’t hear, Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow this morning.  If you believe large rodents can predict the weather, we are in for an early spring.  Spring is coming! Even if the shadows of your current circumstances mean prolonged or even permanent changes in your relationship, find your hope in God and your strength in each other.  Spring is just around the corner.

A Valentine's Day gift the keeps on giving...

     Valentine’s Day is fast approaching.  I want to share a suggestion for a gift for your spouse that won’t cost you much and can keep on giving for weeks, months, and even years beyond the holiday.  (This isn’t just tied to Valentine’s Day.  It can be done anytime of the year.)

     First, make a list of one hundred things you love about your spouse.  Yes, one hundred.  They can be big things, little things, daily things, special things, intimate things, ways your spouse blesses your life—whatever you can think of.  Just be specific so that there's no question about what you're referring to and why that reason makes you love your spouse more.

     Then, buy 100 blank business cards and a business card holder that can hold 100 cards.  You can get these supplies at Wal-Mart, Target, or any office supply store, and your total investment should be about $20 or less.

     Next, print the reasons you love your spouse on the cards, one reason per card, and be sure to number the cards 1 of 100, 2 of 100, etc.

     Then, hide all of the cards (except the first one) around the house in places that match the reason you’re stating for loving your spouse.  For instance, if you have a card that says, “I love you because you always fix great meals,” you could put that card in the pantry.

If you have a card that says, “I love you because you’re a great kisser,” you might place that card where she keeps her lipstick

If you have a card that says, “I love you because I always have clean clothes,” you could leave that one with the laundry supplies.

Or if you have a card that says, “I love you because you always pray with me,” you might tuck that card in his Bible. 

And where you hide the cards can be as creative as under the pillow, to your mate's underwear drawer, to the steering wheel of his/her car, to the bathroom mirror, to taping it to the ceiling above your spouse's spot in the bed.  You get the idea.

     Finally, give your spouse the card holder with the first card already in it.  Let your spouse know you really love him/her and that over the next several days or weeks (or however long it takes) he/she will be reminded of those reasons as new cards are discovered.  (The “x of 100” numbering on the cards will let your spouse know how many total cards he/she is looking for, and help track how many cards are still out there to be discovered.)  Eventually, your mate will have a card holder full of expressions of your love for him/her.  This will be something your spouse can continually go back to, to remind him/her of your adoration and your commitment to your marriage covenant. 

     Encouragement is a powerful tool for keeping a marriage strong and keeping intimacy alive.  For just a couple of hours of time and effort, you can say something positive to your mate for years to come.

Fight the Fizzle...

Something interesting happens at the YMCA for the first couple of weeks of January every year.  Every year in January, a whole bunch of new faces show up at the Y; people who’ve made it their new year’s resolution to lose weight, or get fit, or whatever.  These folks come in gung ho, ready to change their lives for the better.

     And then, it gets to about this time in January.  At the end of the month, the majority of those new faces are gone.  The determination has waned, the sacrifice necessary for change has proved too painful, or too inconvenient, or too costly.  So, they quit.  They fizzle out.

     Many promise themselves they will start up again soon.  They may even show up for an hour every couple of weeks, and then every month, and then every three months, and then…nothing.  For whatever reason, the end result that they dreamed of obtaining is no longer worth the journey it will take to get there.

     Did you and your spouse make resolutions together for your marriage for the new year (and together is the key word here!)?  Did you decide on things that you can do to bring you closer to each other as you draw nearer to God?  Did you talk about what your joint ministry and mission will be for 2019?  Did you talk about what you need to do as a couple to bring hope and encouragement to each other, to make each other feel safe, to bless each other’s lives, and to center your marriage in Christ?  If not, start those conversations now.

     If you have started doing these things, be on your guard against fizzling out.  There will always be excuses to not do something.

“There’s not enough time.”

“I’m too tired.”

“Is my spouse really noticing anyway?”

“I’m not really seeing any benefit in doing this.”

“It’s just a little break.  I'm sure I'll get back to it soon.” 

The devil will provide ample excuses to quit.  Don’t let him draw you away from your resolve to use your marriage to bless each other and to work together in the Kingdom of God.  We all get tired.  We all ask questions.  We all have set backs.  And from time to time, we all want to quit.  But when those times come, fight through the fizzle.

     You might not always be able to see it in the moment, but the end result is worth the cost of the journey.

Shout it from the mountaintops!

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

     Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” 

     So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 

     In this brief passage from Luke 2:8-18, the single most important announcement in history is delivered—in the person of Jesus Christ, God has come into the world!  The shepherds receive the good news and are told specifically what signs to look for as they search out God among us.

     Although we are not heavenly beings like the angels on high, in Christian marriage, we are called by God to carry the same commission—to announce the presence of God in the world.  While we do not announce the birth of a baby, we do announce the presence of a King.  And just as the angels told the shepherds what to look for, there are definitive signs that will validate our announcement.

     When you love your spouse, when you seek his/her well-being above your own, when you forgive, when you speak words of blessing and encouragement into your mate’s life, when you provide a place of safety and goodness, when grace and mercy flow freely, when God reigns in your hearts and in your home, when you live out your faith first-and-foremost with your spouse—in those moments, you loudly and powerfully proclaim that Jesus Christ, the Lord and Messiah, has come into this world and is living among us.

     Please, let your marriage “shout it from the mountaintops” —the good news that will cause great joy for all the people—Jesus is here.

Change is coming! The 10th Axiom of Marriage

     Aren’t you glad that you and your spouse are exactly like you were when you married.  Isn’t it great that you still both look exactly the same, think exactly the same, act and react exactly the same, and that life hasn’t thrown you any circumstances that have radically reoriented your marriage relationship.  I sure am glad that is the case for Lisa and me.

     Obviously, I’m being a bit facetious and sarcastic.  Whether you’ve been married less than a month or over 60 years, as you and your covenant lover go through life together, the only guarantee that you have is the 10^th Axiom of Marriage: In marriage, THINGS WILL CHANGE, and your relationship will be dependent on how you and your spouse navigate changes.  Everything—physical health, communication, intimacy, family relationships, (possibly) mental health, social relationships, spirituality—will change.  Sometimes change comes slowly and sometimes change comes quickly.  However it happens, you have to expect change.

     The key question is how will you respond when change happens?  Remember, no matter what stage you are at in your marriage, Satan will always be working to destroy your covenant relationship, either through neglect or through more aggressive means.  When your spouse doesn’t look like she used to, do you begin comparing her unfavorably to others?  When your sex life changes, do you seek intimate connections elsewhere?  When your mate’s spiritual beliefs change, do you condemn him or recognize that you are both on a spiritual journey and he may be at a different place?  When age or illness causes physical disabilities, do you see helping her as a burden or as a blessing?  When he has a hard time relating to your adult children, do you talk negatively about him in front of the kids, or help him through that difficult transition?  Remember, Satan is always looking for changes in your marriage relationship that can be exploited to drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

     Obviously, every couple is different and is living out their own unique story.  However, here are some general thoughts for navigating change:

• Keep your relationship anchored in Christ.  It is always easy to let your marriage become directed by the world, but your love for God is always evidenced by how you love your spouse.  Pray with each other always.
• Remind yourself of your marriage covenant on a regular basis.  Whether it’s re-watching your marriage video, renewing your vows, or just reflecting daily on the blessings your spouse brings to your life, continually reinforce a positive perspective of your marriage relationship.
• Express your love both in word and in deed often.  Your mate needs to hear and see your love on a regular basis so that there is never any doubt in his/her mind.
• How you communicate might change, but don’t let communication die or the relationship will die with it.  Without communication spouses become isolated and lose connection with each other.  Healthy, regular communication is necessary for any relationship to work.
• Consistently revisit your expectations (personally, for each other, and for the marriage).  Do this especially when changes occur.  When life takes you in a different direction, it is too easy to assume your mate will know what you think, feel, or need, and then to become upset or offended when he/she doesn’t respond accordingly.
• Handle conflict in a timely manner.  If conflict is not addressed, walls will build up between you and your spouse.
•  Practice forgiveness on an ongoing basis.  Forgive your mate and forgive yourself.  Don’t let the poisonous root of anger, resentment, and guilt kill your marriage.
• Continually guard each other’s hearts and minds.  Proverbs 4:23 reminds us that it is the well-spring of life; your own personal spiritual life and the life of your marriage.
• How you express intimacy may have to change, but don’t let intimacy slip away.  Showing intimacy—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and spiritually—is always necessary for a healthy connection.
• Recognize the power and necessity of acceptance.  Your spouse won’t always look the same.  Your spouse may not always think about things exactly the same.  You may face changes in your family structure.  When changes occur, it is critical to let your spouse know that you accept him/her for who he/she is. To bemoan what you cannot change is hurtful to your spouse and negatively impacts your marriage.
• Constantly check where you are spending your time and your resources because that is what you value.  Your resources always flow to your priorities, so at every stage, with every significant change, verify what is really important to you.
• Don’t wait until the elusive “later” to enjoy your time and do things with your mate.  It is always easy to wait for “a more convenient time,” but tomorrow doesn’t always come.  Live within your means, but don’t live with regrets over the simple pleasures in life that you were too busy to enjoy.
• Play together and laugh together often.  Few things can connect you to your mate as intimately and powerfully as playing together.  And, when the uncertainty of change looms darkly on the horizon, shared play and laughter can alleviate anxiety and worry better than anything else.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  There is no shame in needing help.  When different experiences of life present problems you’ve never encountered before, seek the counsel of other godly couples who have walked that road ahead of you.
• And most importantly, use your marriage in God’s kingdom at every step.  The list of ways you can use your marriage to serve God’s Kingdom is endless.  And what you are able to do at one stage of life might be different from what you are able to do at another.  Just be intentional to do something together to serve God’s Kingdom at every step of the way.

     Change is often confusing and trying.  We are resistant to change because it is frequently accompanied by the unknown, and that can be scary.  The blessed promise of a Christ-centered marriage is that God has given us someone with whom we can face the challenges of life.  Whether we are singing praises to God on a mountain top or walking through the valley of the shadow of death, we know God is with us because our spouse is with us.

     Together, embrace the joys and blessings that come with each stage of life.  Together, love each other through the hardships and pain.  Together, use your marriage powerfully in God’s Kingdom.  Be the very presence of Christ for your mate in every way possible—in love, in forgiveness, in grace, in mercy, in selflessness, and in goodness.  When you do that, change will still happen…but it will be a whole lot less disorienting.

_________________________

To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 8^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 9^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

What's Really Important? The 9th Axiom of Marriage

     You can tell me all day long what is important to you and your spouse,  individually or as a couple.  But if I can see your checkbook register and your daily schedule, I’ll tell you what’s really important to you.  The 9^th Axiom of Marriage says, “Your resources always flow to your priorities.  Where you spend your time and your money indicates where your priorities lie within a marriage.”  This is an inescapable truth.  Your time and your money will always go to your priorities.  And in a marriage relationship, it will be the strongest mirror of what is important to each spouse individually, and the main indicator of whether or not you and your spouse are on the same page about what is really important to you as a couple.

     When a couple agrees on how to spend time and finances, you are bringing your priorities together.  All of your relational priorities—spiritual, emotional, social, intellectual, and intimate—are revealed in the physical realities of how you use your two greatest resources.  While you may not always be in 100% agreement, you and your spouse need equal input on how you manage your money and time.  In marriage you are one, not two living in the same household.    The way you use your time and money is a gauge—it is a gauge of your love, respect, and honor for your spouse.  Equal input builds up those qualities, while giving you a deeper understanding of what is important to each of you individually and what is really important to you together as a couple.

     For some couples, there is a real temptation to say, “Our time and money don’t say much about our priorities, because we don’t have enough of either to say anything.”  But the reality is, that is when it says the most about what you and your mate value.  When hard choices and sacrifices have to be made, that is when our strongest priorities rise to the surface.  It is in times of want that you best see you and your mate’s core convictions, desires, and drives.

     Whether you are living in a time of plenty or a time of need, a busy season of life or a time of relaxation—I would challenge you to sit down with your spouse and take an honest look at where your money and time are going.  Compare your calendars and see where you are spending time, both individually and together.  Look at your finances.  As your priorities come to light, ask yourself some questions.

"According to where we spend our time and money..."

• ...what do I value most?
• ...what does my spouse value most?
• ...how aware are we of each other’s priorities (actual priorities as reflected by the daily schedules and bank statements, not just what we wish for or proclaim)?
• ...are our values in line with each other, or in contrast to each other?
• ...do I try to hide or distract my mate from where I am spending time or money?
• ...what do our priorities say about marriage, children, family, and having appropriate boundaries?
• ...most importantly, what does the flow of our resources say about our spirituality and how we use our marriage within the Kingdom of God?

     Honestly evaluating one’s self and together honestly evaluating the marriage relationship can be a sobering undertaking.  But knowing your priorities, knowing your spouse’s priorities, and knowing where your priorities line up and where they diverge will open up new conversations—conversations that will lead to a healthier marriage and a better understanding of each other.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 8^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

God created sex, and sex is good! The 8th Axiom of Marriage

     When was the last time you thanked God for your sex life?  When was the last time you and your spouse together thanked God for your sex life?  For some people, this is a really, really weird question.  After many years of premarital counseling, I’ve noticed that often couples who grew up with a strong church background are the ones most reluctant to embrace sex as a spiritual blessing.  The 8^th Axiom of Marriage says, “God created sex and sex is good, but it is only a part of a holistic intimacy (that includes other forms of physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, social intimacy, and spiritual intimacy)”

     God created sex, and sex is good.  I certainly don’t mean that in a flippant way.  Scripture tells us that everything God made is good, and Genesis 1:27-28 tells us that God made them male and female and God told them to reproduce (have sex) and fill the earth.  And God didn’t just create the act of sex.  He created humanity to be sexual beings, giving us marriage as a holy relationship for sexual expression.  In 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, Paul reminds couples to not just have sex, but to have sex often so that a husband and a wife can please each other in a holy and righteous way, and not be tempted to dishonor God through reckless, misplaced sexual behaviors.  The Song of Songs celebrates the sexual relationship.  Both the Lover and the Beloved describe sex as a delicacy they anxiously desire to share with each other.  “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue…Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere.  Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” (Song of Songs 4:11,16)

     God created sex, and sex is good.  Sex is meant to be a monogamous relationship between one man and one woman and kept within the context of marriage for the purpose of procreation and recreation.  But sex is also very powerful.  Sex, if abused and taken out of the context God intended, can harm a marriage and destroy any true sense of intimacy and goodness.  Sex can be used to coerce, demean, or belittle one’s mate as easily as it can be used to bring pleasure and intimate connection to a marriage.  Because sex is so powerful, God (who knows infinitely more than us) provides boundaries for sexual expression between a husband and wife.  Those boundaries protect us and enhance intimacy and spiritual growth (for more on the boundaries God gives us for sexual expression, click here).

     But you can’t base a marriage on sex alone.  While the sexual relationship should not be minimized or separated from your Christian life, if the sexual act is your only means of expressing intimacy it will eventually become a selfish, performance-driven act rather than an holy expression of joy and celebration that blesses you and your mate.  Using your physical presence to make your spouse feel safe, comforted, and connected, caring about what your mate thinks, truly hearing your lover’s heart in both joy and pain, connecting into your spouse’s world through his/her daily interactions, and protecting your covenant lover’s soul and spirit as you serve God’s Kingdom together—all of these are ways we connect intimately with our mates.  And when we deepen our intimate connections in all areas, it can’t help but to enhance and bless your sex life as well.

     Pay attention to your sexual relationship.  Enjoy this wonderful way of engaging each other that God has given to you and your spouse alone to enjoy and share together.  Connect intimately with your spouse in multiple ways.  Cherish the intimate connections you have with your spouse, knowing that God created sex, and sex is good.

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To see the 10 Axioms of Marriage, click here.

To read a more detailed explanation of

The 1^st Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 2^nd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 3^rd Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 4^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 5^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 6^th Axiom of Marriage, click here

The 7^th Axiom of Marriage, click here