A lifetime of sexual intimacy

     In my last post (which you can read here), I talked about how one’s spouse can provide the best instructions for how he/she can best be pleased sexually, and if you want good sex, you need to take the time to follow the directions.  But just because a couple is having good sex physically, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are building a fulfilling, God-honoring, sexual intimacy.  It’s certainly a good first step, but along with communication, listening, and seeing your sex life as something holy (see the previous post for more on this), here are some critical steps to putting together a lifetime of sexual intimacy that will bless you and your spouse:

• Know the biology—While knowing about biology is not wholly the same as knowing about sexual intimacy, it certainly is an important ingredient.  Where did you learn about male and female sexuality?  From your parents?  Peers?  The media?  Was your source reliable?  Do you really understand what causes arousal?  Physical connection?  Emotional connection?  And not just what causes these things in general, but specifically with your lover?
• Communicate— I said it in the last post, but it needs to be said again.  It’s okay to talk about sex.  In fact, you and your mate need to talk about sex because what brings pleasure to one person might not to another.  Never forget, God created us all to be unique.  Nothing can give your mate better information on how to connect with you sexually than you can.  But also, talk about more than sex so that you can…
• …build up other areas of intimacy too—Physical intimacy is an important part of connecting with your spouse.  But so are emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, social intimacy, and spiritual intimacy.  It’s hard to want to be with someone physically who treats you as if your stupid, or doesn’t care about your feelings, or you view of the world, or someone who makes you feel guilty or worthless before God, or who doesn’t want to be a part of your world.  Building and nurturing intimacy in other areas allows sexual intimacy to take on a whole new meaning.
• Expect changes to occur—What you enjoyed as a newlywed will probably be very different from what you will enjoy as a senior citizen.  How you make love post-children can be different than how you made love before children.  Body changes, physical demands and physical health, time constraints, age—so many things factor into how a couple shares sexual intimacy.  And sometimes the changes are permanent, while other times the changes are just for a season.  If your sex life is just the physical act, your marriage will suffer when changes occur.  If you build sexual intimacy rather than just having sex, the relationship will be more important than any single act, and quality will supersede quantity.
• Keep it private—God created sex, and sex is good, but it is a wonderful, mysterious relationship meant to be enjoyed between a man and a woman alone.  We live in a sex-saturated society, and there are outside influences constantly trying to pry into your sex life.  Whether it’s through media, pornography, flirting, overly inquisitive friends—and whether those influences are let in intentionally or inadvertently—an intrusive presence can destroy a husband and wife’s lifelong sexual intimacy.
• If you’ve put it together wrong, start the process of rebuilding—No one wants to admit they don’t know how to relate to their mate sexually, or their sex life may not be what it could be.  But because too many couples started building their sexual life from the wrong foundation (or wrong information), didn’t communicated often and fully, didn’t invest in other aspects of intimacy, and didn’t anticipate and adapt to changes in their relationship, the sexual relationship has suffered. It’s never too late to move from settling for what you have to together creating something better.

     Obviously, no two couples are building the exact same relationship, and how you and your spouse build a lasting sexual intimacy should be unique to you.  It is easy to think other couples have it better than you and your spouse, or to live in fantasy worlds influenced by the media.  But, if you talk, listen, follow the directions, and see sex as a holy, gift from God, you can build a lifetime of great sexual intimacy.

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Looking for a fun, practical, Biblically-based, couples' study that can be used with individual couples, in small groups, or in a Bible class?  Check out Marriage: A Blessed Promise.  It's less than four bucks and available now from 21st Century Christian.  Order online here.

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Directions please...

     When you get a new piece of furniture with “some assembly required,” do you normally follow the directions, or do you just wing it and follow your intuition?  If you’re the type who improvises, in end you might still wind up with a good, solid piece of furniture that is aesthetically pleasing and functional.  Or, you might end up putting pieces together, only to have to take them apart and start over because you skipped a necessary step, or you might have something that looks good on the outside, but you’re not getting the full value out of it because it wasn’t put together quite right.  There’s a real difference in going from something that just looks good to something that is also solid, long-lasting, and can hold up when it is tested.

     When you got married, did you and your mate discuss directions for your sex life?  “D’uh,” you might be thinking, “we know how it works.”  And yes, it’s not too difficult to figure out the basic biology of sex.  The problem is, too many people settle for less than they could have, less than God designed us to have, because they’ve been fooled into believing that knowing the biology is the same as building a solid, beautiful, intimate, godly, sex life.

     There is any number of reasons that people settle for too little rather than following the directions.  For some, sex may have been a taboo subject—either never discussed at all, or only discussed in a shame-based way (for more on how this can play out in a church context see this post).  For others, lack of education or inaccurate education may have played a part.  And some people have bought into the cultural lie that having sex is the same as being intimately connected (in marriage, sex is certainly a good and important part of intimacy, but intimacy is a multifaceted relationship that involves more than just the physical act).

     So, how does a couple have good sex that will bring pleasure to each spouse, and build true intimacy at the same time?  I believe there are boundaries that God has given us to help us have a fulfilling sex life (see this post for more).  Within the boundaries God gives us, we need to help our mates follow the directions so that you can build it right.  Okay, what are the directions?

• First, communicate.  Talk about sex.  Recognize that it’s okay to talk about sex.  In fact, you and your mate need to talk about sex.  Ask questions.  What gets you in the mood?  What environment do you want?  How do you like to be touched (pressure, movement, frequency, etc.)?  Where do you like to be touched?  What do you like to hear?  How can I best please you?  The media, peers, and any number of outside sources will tell you how to be a better lover, but what brings pleasure to one person might not to another.  The only way you can be a better lover to your mate, is to ask your mate how you can be a better lover.
• Second, listen.  Sexual activity can be a very selfish endeavor if your only focus is your pleasure and your desires, and you have no regard for your mate’s physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  Your objective is not just to say what you want, but to hear and understand what your spouse wants too.  When sex devolves into something that is selfishly motivated, it is reduced to a carnal act that is devoid of anything good for the marriage relationship.
• Third, see your sexual relationship as something holy.  God created sex, and sex is good.  Too many people want to separate the physical from the spiritual, but God created us as both.  If we follow the directions and please each other physically, it is a powerful place for couples to also grow together spiritually.

Never forget, God created us all to be unique.    So, nothing can give your mate better, more accurate information on how to please you and connect with you sexually than you can. Getting and giving directions with your mate doesn't make you incompetent or inadequate.  It makes you a better builder of a pleasing, wonderful, lasting sexual intimacy.  And whether you're a newly wed or have been married for 50+ years, it's never too early or too late to follow the directions—talk, listen, and cultivate a powerful sexual intimacy that is a gift from God.

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Looking for a fun, practical, Biblically-based, couples' study that can be used with individual couples, in small groups, or in a Bible class?  Check out Marriage: A Blessed Promise.  It's less than four bucks and available now from 21st Century Christian.  Order online at https://www.21stcc.com/.

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Porcelain blessings

     Some anniversaries get cool designations, like “silver” or “gold” or “diamond.”  The first and fifth anniversaries are notable, and even 10 years gets to be “tin.”  But 18 years is the big porcelain anniversary! (at least according to Wikipedia)  The porcelain anniversary doesn’t get the attention other anniversaries get.  You never hear someone say, “So how was that porcelain anniversary cruise?”  or “I saw in the church bulletin that you just celebrated your porcelain anniversary.  What a milestone!”  Even the designation, porcelain, is a bit problematic for me.  I’m sure there are some nice, beautiful things made out of porcelain, but I always think about those creepy dolls that usually wind up in scary movies.

     Well, today, September 7, 2014, is my and Lisa’s porcelain anniversary, and I want to redeem the porcelain anniversary by sharing 18 things that have made the last eighteen years a porcelain blessing.

1. Never forget, your love for God is best evidenced by your love for your mate.
2. Pray with each other, not just for each other.
3. Listen attentively.
4. Laugh together often (and make sure you’re laughing with each other, not at each other).
5. The more you laugh together, the easier it is to get past disagreements.
6. Complement each other often.
7. Don’t get so caught up in the “big events” in life that you miss out on the daily joys your marriage brings.
8. Forgive freely.
9. The greatest gift we can give our children is to love each other.
10. Many things will try to get my attention, but none of them are more important than my spouse.
11. Tend to each other’s spiritual health.
12. Let home always be a safe refuge.
13. Serve your mate joyfully, even when the service is unpleasant.
14. Pleasant surprises are always nice.
15. Share frequently and freely in each other’s lives.
16. Try new things together.
17. Never underestimate “the power of play” in your marriage.
18. You can never say “I love you” too much.

Certainly there are a lot more things I've learned in 18 years, but if we tend to the basics, the rest usually falls in place.

     It’s great to celebrate the “big” anniversaries in a big way, but there is no such thing as a throw-away anniversary.  You don’t have to take a trip or buy expensive gifts to recognize the “porcelain blessings” that God gives you in marriage.

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Looking for a fun, practical, Biblically-based, couples' study that can be used with individual couples, in small groups, or in a Bible class?  Check out Marriage: A Blessed Promise.  It's less than four bucks and available now from 21st Century Christian.  Order online at https://www.21stcc.com/.

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When birds attack...

     It would be an understatement to say that we live in a sex-saturated society.  It would also be an understatement to say that we live in a culture that is at war with marriage.  Temptations abound all around us.  Whether it is sexual temptation, the temptation to be deceitful, the temptation to be selfish, or whatever else, Satan is constantly working to undermine and destroy marriage.

     Temptation takes an infinite number of forms.  It is ever present, and what is tempting for you might not be tempting for your spouse, or for another couple.  So, if a countless number of things are constantly flying around trying to attack our marriages, what can we do?

     A few years ago, a friend made the following observation: “You can’t stop the birds from flying overhead, but you can keep them from nesting in your hair.”  While I’m sure that saying is not original to him, the point is well-taken.  We can’t stop the temptations from arising.  There’s always going to be a Hooters billboard alongside the interstate, or a Victoria’s Secret commercial on TV, or access to things on the internet that will be harmful to a healthy marriage.  There will always be temptations to not tell the whole story and think, “what he/she doesn’t know won’t hurt,” when we know that it really will.  There will always be temptations to manipulate, coerce, or otherwise get our own way, even if it means putting self before our marriages.  But being surrounded by temptations is radically different from letting temptation take up residence in your heart and mind.

     You can’t stop the birds from flying overhead.  But there certainly are some warning signs when the birds are trying to build a nest in your hair.

• First, if it is something you feel compelled to keep a secret from your spouse, you are creating and facilitating an environment for temptation to live and grow.  “You don’t need to know my password for Facebook.”  “Please don’t tell my wife we had this lunch together.”
• Second, if you think through how you would explain/rationalize/justify the behavior, before you do something, then you are creating a path for temptation to find a home in your heart.  “If she comes in, I’ll say I accidentally hit a link that I didn’t mean to.”  “If he notices money missing from the bank account, I’ll blame it on a bank error, until I can figure out a way to explain it.”
• Third, if you spend inordinate amounts of time and energy to convince yourself that the behavior is not that bad, temptation is taking root.  “What’s her problem? Everybody does it.  What’s the big deal?”  “Why is he so upset?  I could be doing stuff a whole lot worse than this.”
• Fourth, if you become so comfortable with the temptation that you no longer even notice it, the birds have begun to build.  “I didn’t lie.  Why would you say that?”  “I’m not ‘being hateful.’  You just don’t care about me.”

You can’t stop the birds from flying overhead, but you can keep them from nesting in your hair.  Temptations won’t go away, but in a healthy, Christ-centered marriage, honesty, transparency, and authenticity are essential for husbands and wives to protect themselves and protect each other.  Keep shooing the birds away, and if any of them have already landed, then start combing the nests out of your hair immediately.

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Looking for a fun, practical, Biblically-based, couples' study that can be used with individual couples, in small groups, or in a Bible class?  Check out Marriage: A Blessed Promise.  It's less than four bucks and available now from 21st Century Christian.  Order online at https://www.21stcc.com/.