Turn off the commentary...

     You don’t have to say everything you think.  I am certainly not advocating keeping secrets or not sharing your feelings with your spouse.  But in our world of instantaneous communication, soundbites, and rapid-fire social media, we have been trained to believe that we have the right to comment on everything.  Some people are even under the delusion that it is not only their right, but it is their obligation to tell other people what they think...about everything!

     In marriage, there is an important balance.  Without communication, a relationship will die.  So it is critical that husbands and wives share what they are thinking and feeling with each other.  But does that mean that we have to verbally express every thought? 

     Here are some thoughts on how to determine if you are participating in conversation or just providing commentary:

• If you have an incessant need to get the last word.  Sometimes conversations don’t end because one spouse feels unheard, and is trying desperately to get the other’s attention.  But sometimes the desire for the last word is born from a self-centered, self-importance that assumes you deserve to have the final authority on all matters.
• You operate under the false assumption that the only way someone hears you is if they agree with you.  Spouses can (and at times should) disagree.  Having our beliefs and worldviews challenged is how we grow and mature.  Noisy commentary comes when we feel threatened by a different perspective, so we keep pounding the same points over and over.
• While humor is important in any relationship, an unending stream of sarcasm or flippant comments can indicate that the commentary needs to be muted.  This is particularly true if the commentary is beginning to hurt your spouse’s feelings, or make him/her feel unappreciated or demeaned in any way.

     Conversation is necessary, but not all commentary is beneficial.  To achieve the balance, acknowledge to each other how you best communicate.  In many relationships, one spouse may be more verbal than the other.  There are also some people who process decisions and circumstances by talking through it out loud.  If you mate knows how you communicate, it is easier to understand each other and discern between information that gives life and health to the relationship and noisy chatter.

     And most importantly, make sure your communication is speaking blessing into each other’s lives, and centering you and your relationship on Christ.

     Remember, without communication a relationship will die.  But sometimes we can say so much more, by saying less.

The positives list

     One of the most important things a couple can do is to keep a running list of positive interactions with their spouse and positive behaviors that they see in their spouse.  I’m not necessarily talking about monumental things like “We won the lottery,” or “We just had five straight days of mind-blowing sex,” (although those should both make the list).  Rather, I am referring to the daily things that make life good; the things that remind you of God’s presence in your covenant marriage relationship.  It might be things like “He put a sweet note in my lunch bag,” or “She saw that I was stressed and knew just what to say,” or “He prayed with me today,” or “She kept me laughing all night long.”

     You see, there is an inescapable principle in marriage.  Your perception will always become your reality.  If you see your marriage as a place of tension, or frustration, or sadness, you will look for things that reinforce that perception, and that perception will become the reality of your day-to-day life.  But if you see your marriage as a place of safety, and blessing, and goodness, and love, then you will notice the things that reinforce that perception, and that perception will become your daily reality.

     Our perceptions are always fueled by the messages we tell ourselves internally, and that we receive externally.  When you regularly speak blessings, and encouragement, and gratitude into your mate’s life, you shape his/her perception of the entire marriage.  And, the more positive the external messages from one’s spouse, the more likely that person is to tell herself/ himself positive messages internally about the relationship.  Hence, the power of a positives list.

     When keeping a positives list, write it down.  Whether pen-to-paper or typed into your phone, it becomes so much more concrete when you write it down, than if you try to keep up with a list in your head.

     Then, sit down with your spouse without distractions at least once a week and share the good you’ve seen in each other.  The positives list doesn’t mean much if it’s not shared with the one you love.  (Remember though, it is not a competition.  If she comes up with twenty-five things, but he only comes up with seven, that’s okay.  Appreciate the goodness you are speaking into each other’s lives.)

     If you and your spouse make a positives list a regular part of your week, you will see two powerful things happen.  First, when conflict does occur, you will have an anchor point to come back to, to keep your marriage rooted in the positive interactions.  And second, you will be able to more easily separate a negative incident from who you truly are as a couple.  An argument is something that happened, but the positive things you see in each other is who you are.

     Take the challenge, and for the next month, keep a positives list.  See how those messages shape your perception and shape your reality as husband and wife.

A dozen ways to bless your mate...

1. Figure out one specific thing that he/she needs in order to
   
   feel like he/she is the priority in your life.
2. Send a card, or text, or make a call to an in-law to let your mate’s family know how much your mate blesses your life.
3. Share information about your day without having to be prodded or asked.
4. Give a sincere compliment.
5. Take care of a chore your spouse normally does.
6. Let your spouse hear you praying for something specific that is important to her/him.
7. Ask his/her opinion about something, and really listen.
8. Be still long enough to hold each other for a moment.
9. Share something funny.
10. Lay aside all technology for an evening focused solely on each other.
11. Initiate an activity your mate enjoys doing, even if you don’t.
12. Pray for God to change you, especially during times of conflict.

Basic training...

     Any good coach knows that in any sport you must master

the basics before you can move on to more advanced skills.  And it is not simply a matter of learning the fundamental skills once and then moving on.  The basic skills have to be practiced over and over until they are an automatic mental and physical response.  A coach also knows that even the most accomplished players have to constantly go back to the basics, reviewing and reminding themselves, because those basic skills are foundational to everything else that is built upon them.  If the basic skills begin to lapse, everything else will crumble around them.

     In marriage, the same thing applies. If we do not continually remind ourselves of the basic things that lead to healthy, godly relationships, then the relationship will suffer. Sometimes we just need to be reminded about:

• clear, encouraging communication
• constructive ways of handling conflict
• forgiveness
• the importance of being playful and having fun together
• being selfless rather than selfish toward our spouses
• the necessity of proactively avoiding temptations and being aware of the devil’s schemes to disrupt your marriage covenant
• building real, lasting intimacy
• and most importantly, making marriage a powerful witness to the goodness of God

Remember, if the basic components of a godly, healthy marriage are neglected, then the relationship can’t progress toward God’s calling for you and your spouse.

     What are some of the basics that you need to be revisiting to improve your relationship with your mate?

You can do it!

     In marriage, we often try to motivate our spouses. It doesn’t matter what the goal of the motivation is.  It could be anything from losing weight or paying better attention to physical health, to not giving up on a job search, to paying more attention to spiritual growth, to helping with household chores, to going back to school for a new job opportunity, to minding the way he/she communicates, or anything else.  The important question is, how do you try to motivate your spouse?  The way you try to motivate your mate says a lot about your relationship.  Respect, mutual submission, what you value, how you view your marriage covenant, and so much more comes into play.

     Sadly, many people try to motivate their spouse in negative ways. When you try to motivate your spouse, do you repeatedly point out her faults?  “I don’t have much hope that this will work because you never stick with anything you start.”  Do you compare him unfavorably to other husbands? “Leah’s husband helps around the house without her having to ask.  What’s wrong with you?”  Do you make her feel stupid or worthless with your comments? “Wow, if everyone thought about that like you do, we’d be in a real mess.”  Do you yell at him or try to shame him into a different way of behaving? “What kind of man are you!  A real man wouldn’t do that!”  Do you try to make her feel guilty?  “Fine, I’ve worked all day and I’m exhausted, but I’ll take care of it because obviously you aren’t going to do it.”  Typically, negative motivation yields negative results. Rather than making a change to escape the negative berating, many times a spouse will just dig in his/her heels and sink deeper into the undesirable behavior.

     Now and again, we do all need “a wake-up call” and more direct and straight-forward communication is required, but when you attempt to motivate your spouse, don’t forget three things:

• First, the primary calling lived out in marriage is to love God and to love your neighbor as yourself.  Since your spouse is your closest, most intimate neighbor, that is the place to start living out God’s love, graciousness, mercy, forgiveness, and kindness.
• Second, don’t forget you are one flesh.  Don’t say or do anything to your spouse that you wouldn’t want said or done to you.  Words and actions carry an impact, so carefully guard how you choose to motivate your spouse.  What you say and do in anger or frustration can have a lasting effect.
• And third, we all need motivation from time to time.  Marriage should be a place in which we are challenged; but make sure you are challenging your spouse in ways that will allow you to grow together toward holiness and Kingdom living.

     Next time you need to make changes in your life, I pray that your marriage will be a safe harbor of loving motivation.  Next time you want to motivate your spouse, I pray that you do it out of a selfless desire to better your relationship in Christ, not a selfish desire to make your spouse conform to your wishes.  I pray that we never allow anger, shame, guilt, frustration, or selfishness to become our driving force in helping our mates change for the better.