HE
GAVE HER DOG BISCUITS
How many different meanings can you discern from those five words? Did he serve
her a traditional dog treat for supper (either as a joke or perhaps out of
anger), or did he love her dog so much that he gave her dog a present he knew
the dog would love? If he gave biscuits to her dog, were they regular dog
biscuits, or biscuits like you might get at Cracker Barrel? Or, is it an
incomplete sentence? What if the dog's name is Biscuits? Then we're left
wondering what he gave to Biscuits.
Granted this is a silly little
exercise, but it does illustrate a point. Even in the best of circumstances,
communication is a difficult process.
In every communication, three things
happen:
·
First, there is what is said. What are the actual words that are
formed and spoken out loud?
·
Second, there is what is heard. What did you understand to be the
actual words your mate spoke? Have you ever thought your spouse just said the
craziest thing? "What do you mean there's a ninja monkey in the
front yard?" Sometimes we simply do not correctly understand the words
spoken.
·
Third, there is what is interpreted. What did your spouse mean to convey?
Are you accurately understanding his/her intention? What does the tone of voice
and body language communicate?
Communication
is essential to any relationship. Without communication, a relationship
will die. There is no way around it. Let me say it again. Without
communication a relationship will die.
As you and your mate talk, are you
talking with each other or are you
talking at each other? Below are some
tips for healthy communication. As you
read through them, consider honestly and carefully how you are talking with
your spouse.
Reminder Tips for Clear, Healthy
Communication
·
Listen—Most people are
tempted to zero in on one specific point brought up in conversation, rush to
defend an action or position, or begin to formulate what he/she will say
next. Listen to your mate fully and
carefully.
·
Speak up—Say what you
think. If you mate says something you
agree with, let him/her know, but also speak up if you disagree with something
your spouse says. You and your mate
cannot read each other’s minds, and silence can be incorrectly interpreted as
agreement or disagreement. So, don’t
leave it open for your mate to assume you mean, think, or feel something that
you do not. But remember, when you speak
up, always speak in love (and always be mindful of your tone of voice).
·
Speak for yourself
only—Don’t
presume you can answer for your mate.
Resist the temptation to say things like, “Oh, I know how you’ll answer
that question,” or “It’s obvious that you think…” Speak for yourself only.
·
Be specific—If you only talk in
generalities, you will tend to have lots of good intentions, but no real
direction or solutions. Also, avoid
simple “yes” and “no” answers, or short answers that don’t really tell your
mate anything.
·
Ask clarifying questions—Take the time to ask
if you don’t fully understand something your mate has shared with you. Again, you cannot read your spouse’s mind, so
make sure you truly understand what he/she is trying to communicate to you.
·
Resist the impulse to
lecture or give unwanted advice—Some people communicate from a “fix it”
stand point (that is, they want to be problem solvers for their mate) and
others communicate from a “vent it” stand point (that is, they know what to do,
but they just want to share with their spouse).
Too much “fix it” can shut down communication, and too much “vent it”
never leads to positive, marriage-improving action. Share and find workable goals and solutions
together.
·
Remember you are one
flesh, not competitors—If some of your conversations involve different points
of view, remember that you are covenant marriage partners, not bitter
rivals. Regrettably, in communication,
some spouses are more determined to win the argument than they are to do what
is best for the marriage. Make sure you
see your conversations as cooperative not competitive.
Don’t assume motivation—Unless it is clearly stated, you
cannot presume to know someone’s motivation, or his/her thought process that
led him/her to make a specific statement.
Above
all else, remember to practice your Christian life first and foremost at home
with your spouse. “Do not let any unwholesome talk
come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up
according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
(Ephesians 4:29) Remember, without communication, a relationship will die.
MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT RETREAT WEEKEND
AUGUST 31-SEPTEMBER 2, 2012
FALL CREEK FALLS STATE PARK
Email dfcamp@gmail.com for more information
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